Furtado Is A Big Dumb Bird

This is Nelly Furtado's entrance at the Juno Awards last night. What the hell are the Juno Awards you ask? Canada's equivalent of the Grammys apparently. With Nelly Furtado as host. And Perez Hilton was there as some kind of special correspondent for something called eTalk. God, that couldn't have been the least bit lame. Anyway, somebody thought it would be a great idea to dress Nelly up as a chicken and lower her onto the stage with wires. Honestly, I think it's a great look for her. I think she should run with it. As long as some guy with a hatchet doesn't mistake her for a real chicken and wack her head off. Uh...no, that would be terrible, wouldn't it? Poor, poor chickengirl.

Trump Shaves McMahon

Donald Trump had some kind of silly bet with wrestling mogul Vince McMahon, and last night at something called Wrestlemania 23 McMahon lost and Trump got to shave his head. But I don't care about that. What I do care about is the hot piece of man-meat helping Trump shear Vince. Can we get a little more of him please, and a little less of these two old freaks pretending to hate each other? Oh, and by the way - why does Trump look like Geraldine Ferraro in this picture? And why are they both wearing pink ties? Is that to prove how secure they are in their masculinity? What a couple of fruits.

Ashlee Simpson Accidentally Smiles

Ashlee Simpson went out to Parc last night - and oh my God, she actually looked up and smiled! This is the most stunning photograph since cameras finally caught the elusive Himalayan snow-leopard! Never in our lifetimes will we see this again, probably. Ew, but what's with the short-sleeved coat and the other sleeves sticking out like that? And that bag - my God, if I had enough of those I could make the perfect gay-man couch.



Here's Ashlee as we're used to seeing her - miserable and avoiding eye-contact. Or maybe she's just a big Mary Carlisle fan. Oh, and by the way, delicious irony - check out the star next down past Mary...


Yup, The Monkees. A bunch of fake musicians. I wonder if Ashlee will also have her own star one day?



She looks like a badly-dressed blind chick in this picture. Maybe she could star in a re-make of Wait Until Dark. Oh, I know, that's Audrey Hepburn - well Audrey Hepburn kind of sucked, I hate to break it to you. I don't care how much money she raised for UNICEF.

I Have Seen The Future, And It Is Sort Of Boring

The Kids' Choice Awards are great, cause we get to see things we normally wouldn't see - like Jamie Lynn Spears hanging out with Dakota Fanning and her sister Elle.

Okay, first of all, Elle - I know you're happy to be at a big awards show and all, but do you think you could knock it down just a notch or two? I don't really think anyone should be that glad to be anywhere. Plus if you hold that expression for another minute you're going to need new teeth. Second of all, Jamie Lynn - you are the luckiest chick on earth, aren't you? Cause you've got Britney Spears for a big sister. I mean, there's not a lick of pressure on you, is there? No matter what you do, you can't possibly screw your life up worse than she has - so it's smooth sailing for you from now on. Hey, maybe you'll even go to college and get a real job as an investment banker or something and actually live a real, fruitful life. Or possibly you will do lots of drugs and wind up giving blow-jobs behind a Jack In The Box.

Oh, and Dakota - no, I haven't forgotten about you honey. You adorable little cherub you. My goodness, aren't you growing up fast? Already you look like Goldie Hawn after a rough weekend. What's next for you I wonder? Pole-dancing lessons? A hot Saturday night with Wilmer Valderrama? A pierced clitoral hood? Sky's the limit for you, Dakota dear. Um, one piece of advice though - if Tom Cruise ever asks you out on a date? Kick him in the balls and run.

Mark Wahlberg Is A Natural Man

Mark Wahlberg is a manly man, far too butch and masculine for something as girlie and lame as plastic surgery. Face-lifts? Those are for swishy guys, and wacked-out broads like Courtney Love and Nicolette Sheridan. Nope, says Wahlberg, he will never succumb to the temptation of having his face fixed, not matter how bad he looks:

I wouldn't consider surgery. I can see how people get caught up in it and I hope to learn from their mistakes. Because their facial features are falling off and I don't want that. I wouldn't like to say who, but I think you know.

Yup, we know Mark. And we applaud you for your strength in the face of celebrity foolishness. You're a substantive individual, not some lame-o who's only obsessed with his appearance. Oh, and you look fabulous in your underwear:



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Mischa Barton "Too Busy For Men"

Mischa Barton has a good reason for not getting a new man since dumping Cisco "Hangy-Balls" Adler - she doesn't have time for them. Says Mischa:

I think I’m too busy for men. I’m a single girl right now.

Poor Mischa - her schedule is so hectic that she can't even squeeze a little loving in. I don't know, seems to me she should consider dropping a few things, make some time for a relationship. Perhaps on Tuesdays she could take a break from walking down the street while someone takes her picture. And maybe, instead of smiling on a red carpet somewhere every Friday night, she could make it every other Friday night. Oh, and all the promotional appearances - she definitely needs to cut those back. I mean, is it necessary to be photographed holding up shoes for five minutes at a time every three or four months? Once a year would be enough, you'd think.

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Britney A Bigger Fool Than Bush, Cheney

Britney Spears is the biggest fool in America, says a poll by Jeff Barge and the Opinion Research Group. The rehabbed former pop-singer overcame stiff competition from such illustrious dipshits as Paris Hilton, Michael Jackson, George W. Bush, O.J. Simpson, Dick Cheney and Mel Gibson in order to claim the prestigious title. Says Mr. Barge:

Going commando, mutilating your own head, bobbling your baby in public - they've all been done before by various contenders but never before in combination.

Yes, Britney is quite a fool. Of course, as far as we know, she has yet to send thousands of young Americans off to a foreign land to die in a senseless war, but whatever.

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