Update: Meltdown Alert! Britney Loses Kids For Real This Time.

It finally happened - Britney Spears has had her kids taken away. The order, issued today by L.A. County Superior Court judge Scott Gordon, says the kids' father Kevin Federline "is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court."

How will Britney react to this devastating news? Will she:

A. Shave her head
B. Declare herself the Antichrist
C. Marry Michael Jackson
D. Shoot Federline, grab the kids and run for Mexico
E. Shrug her shoulders and say, "I never wanted the little fuckers anyway."

(source)

Update: Chris Crocker is reportedly on suicide watch. Naw, I made that up - I think.

Update: TMZ quotes a "source connected to the case" as saying that Britney never bothered with the parenting classes she was ordered to take, and never did get drug tested per the judge's instructions. In other words, Britney never gave a damn whether they took the kids. In fact, she's probably relieved now.

Also, according to X17, Britney has already given the kids to Federline - even though she had until Wednesday to comply with the court order. She will be out partying tonight, no doubt.

(source)(source)

The Sexiest Woman In The World?

Angelina has achieved a Madonna-like level of grossness - and she doesn't even have the excuse of being old.

Britney's Driving Issues

Someone needs to familiarize Britney Spears with the old saying, "When you're already in a hole, stop digging." Or maybe they should just take the damn shovel away from her already and lock her up someplace nice and safe - like jail. I'm sure it would be rough on her at first, but once she got over the Red Bull withdrawal, she'd be fine. Seriously - did you hear the latest on this idiot? This weekend, the moron was seen driving around with her kids again - no big deal, except for the fact that she doesn't have a license, and is already facing hit-and-run charges. And don't for a second think Kevin Federline isn't on top of the situation - he is. In fact, Federline has already sent his lawyer in to discuss Britney's driving situation with the commissioner in charge of their case. Will this at last be the straw that breaks the camel's back? Or is California's family court situation so screwed up that Britney would actually have to murder someone in order to lose the kids?

(source)

Soon There Will Be No Straight Men Left

Thank you Tori Spelling. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Signed,

The Council To End The Shortage Of Gay Men In America

Kate Hudson Through With Dax Shepard Too. Shepard Suicide Attempt Imminent.

Rejoice those who are sickened by public displays of affection in canned goods aisles, for Kate Hudson has broken up with Dax Shepard.

All right, I admit - the source for this story is OK! Magazine, and they've got even less credibility than I do. But I'm hoping that, just this once, OK! got one right, and Kate really has given Dax the boot.

According to OK!, Kate recently decided she was tired of Dax, and started messing around with some billionaire named Ron Burkle instead. Of course, since Kate is a dirtbag, she didn't trouble herself to tell Dax about this, but let him find out from someone else. Said a source:

Dax got a phone call about it from a friend. He's upset that she didn't bother to say anything to him.

Jeez Kate - do you have any heart at all? Actually, we already know the answer to that one, don't we? You demonstrated just how much heart you have by making your affections for Dax as public as you did, knowing these images would eventually find their way in front of Owen Wilson's eyes. You wanted to torture poor Owen, didn't you - that was the whole reason for your relationship with Dax. You used Dax, a guy you didn't really care about, just to stick it to Owen. And look what happened, you evil hag - Owen tried to kill himself (kind of). But of course you didn't intend that, right? You were just trying to tweak him - it's not your fault the guy's unstable. And now Dax will probably slit his wrists too - but what the hell do you care? You've got a billionaire on your string now. Sick bitch.

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PETA's New Message - Fur Is Bad...Unless You're A Hot Chick

Dita Von Teese supports spaying and neutering your pet (especially if your pet is your husband and his name is Marilyn Manson). Another thing Dita supports is wearing fur, especially the vintage kind. Generally speaking, PETA is an organization that frowns upon the wearing of fur, since in order to get the fur you have to kill the animal it grew on, which would qualify as unethical treatment of said animal. Dita's enjoyment of fur does not, however, disqualify her as a spokeswoman for PETA, as the above ad attests. So how the hell did an avowed fur-lover end up being featured in an ad-campaign sponsored by the nation's most famous militant animal rights group? I'm not sure. Perhaps PETA spokesman Michael McGraw could shed some light on this?

PETA often works with a celebrity on an issue they feel comfortable supporting, whether it's supporting spaying and neutering, or speaking out against products that are tested on animals. So they may not be an animal rights activist, but their contribution to any of our campaigns is appreciated.

So PETA were willing to overlook Dita's fur-fetish because she's such an out-spoken and well-known advocate for animal birth control? Sure. That's what it was. Cause whenever I think of spaying and neutering, Dita's the first person who comes to mind. Obviously, PETA needed Dita on-board, or no one would've taken their campaign seriously. I'd venture to say that, without Dita and her ads, the entire country would've been flooded with unwanted animals. And then the PETA people would've been like, "Oh no! Now we've got all these animals flooding the shelters. If only we'd gotten past Dita's fur thing and let her do the campaign. Damn us all to hell!" So, yeah, it's a good thing PETA were willing to conveniently put their principles aside this one time. And of course, in no way would we ever suggest that PETA might occasionally shelve their ideals just because they want to be associated with someone who's considered hot. Cause PETA's not about the publicity or attention, or anything else self-serving - they're all about helping the poor suffering beasties.

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Mayer's New Chick

John Mayer's settled on a new bitch after the whole Jessica Simpson debacle. Minka Kelly I guess her name is. She's on some kind of show called Friday Night Lights. I have no opinion about her worthiness whatsoever. I do have an opinion about Mayer's shirt though - it's stupid. "Supreme?" What is that, the name of some new gay nightclub I haven't heard of?