Renee Zellweger Pays Some Dude to Pretend to Be Her Boyfriend

Renee Zellweger has a new man. Oh look - they're holding hands! And she looks so happy in that completely crazed way she has of looking happy...

Is that a gut? God, what a fat cow. And that hair...

Tyra Banks Has a Very Persistent, Terrifying Stalker. Is it Wrong of Me to Root for Him?

Tyra Banks may seem like a happy-go-lucky individual, but in truth, the half-witted TV host spends her days in a state of abject terror over the giant, relentless maniac who has been stalking her.

The nutcase, Brady Green, has reportedly been following Tyra all over the country for the past several months. He began bothering her in January, calling her and mailing her letters. Then he upped the ante by sending her flowers, and showing up at a TV studio in L.A. where she was working.

But Green didn't stop there. When Trya went back to New York to work on her talk show, the loon hopped a bus and went after her. He showed up in the lobby of the Chelsea studio with a duffel bag full of magazine clippings and notes. He was told to beat it, but didn't go far: witnesses saw him sitting in a McDonald's across the street.

Cops came to the restaurant to question Green, who despite claiming to be homeless was said to be dressed neatly and casually. The cops ended up arresting him on stalking, harassment and criminal trespass charges. He appeared in court the next morning, and the judge decided to release him on his own recognizance, but issued a protection order for Tyra.

The Chelsea studio where Tyra films her show is said to have meager security. Photos of Green have been handed out, so if he shows up again people will recognize him.

And what if Green manages to get through to Tyra, and kidnaps and tortures her before tearing her heart out and eating it?

Oh man...go Brady!

Bill Gates Stiffs Prince Charles' Charity

World overlord Bill Gates has ordered his devilish Microsoft minions to withdraw their agreement to donate $2 million bucks to Prince Charles' Prince's Trust charity.

Negotiations between Microsoft and the charity were reportedly called off after Gates heard what the money was to be earmarked for, and decided the project wasn't "tightly focused enough around technology."

Microsoft denies that Gates personally stymied the contribution, saying the decision was made "at the local level."

Another example of what a tyrannical, fiendish individual Bill Gates is. Really, someone needs to stop this guy before it's too la...

J.K. Rowling Once Contemplated Suicide. Instead She Wrote Harry Potter.

Gazillionaire Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling has admitted contemplating suicide while in the throes of a post-separation depression.

"Mid-twenties, my life circumstances were poor and I really plummeted," Rowling told an Edinburgh student newspaper. "The thing that made me go for help was probably my daughter.

"She was something that earthed me, grounded me, and I thought, this isn't right, she cannot grow up with me in this state."

Rowling underwent cognitive behavioural therapy to help get her life squared away. Then she went on to create the Harry Potter series and make more money than God.

The lesson: Don't kill yourself, because you might go on to write a bunch of crap books that become a craze among teenagers and mentally-impaired adults.

The Beauty of Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman's waxy shell fell off and now we can see her true self. Frizzy-haired hag.

Moron Pays $1350 for Single Cornflake

Just how much is a single cornflake worth? If it's shaped vaguely like Illinois, and the person buying it is an utter imbecile, then the answer is $1350.

Yes, $1350 - that's how much Monty Kerr of Austin, Texas paid for a cornflake two sisters from Virginia put up on eBay.

The cornflake, which is alleged to resemble the state of Illnois, will be put in a traveling show according to Mr. Kerr.

"We're starting a collection of pop culture and Americana items," said Mr. Kerr, owner of TriviaMania.com. "We thought this was a fantastic one."

Mr. Kerr is apparently some kind of cornflake freak, having previous attempted to buy the world's largest cornflake, only to the have the thing break into three pieces during delivery.

Kerr says he will send someone to Virginia to pick up the Illinois flake by hand. Can't be too careful with your flake.

Monty Kerr...you are officially the dumbest person ever from Texas. And that's saying a lot.

Who Wants Britney's Smelly Ho-Clothes?

The producers of How I Met Your Mother have come up with a brilliant idea to raise money for charity - they're going to auction off the clothes Britney Spears wore when she appeared on the show.

Each item of Britney's show-worn clothing will come with a special letter informing the purchaser how to properly care for the item. It reads:

Congratulations! You are the proud owner of an article of clothing worn by Britney Spears when she appeared on the CBS sitcom How I Met Your Mother. We hope you enjoy your historic garment. Here are a few tips to help you maintain your new treasured possession, so that you and your descendants may enjoy it for years to come.

1. DO NOT machine-wash your garment. Gentle hand-washing with soap will be adequate
2. DO immediately spray the garment down with the strongest insecticide you can get. You may have to go military grade. It's available on the black-market. Just email pablo123@stuffyoushouldnthave.com. This is for your own safety. Those little buggers bite.
3. DO NOT expose the garment to fire. Britney's residual oils will cause it to explode with the force of a half-megaton bomb.
4. DO store the garment in a safe, climate-controlled environment, away from moths, humidity and sick perverts who will try to steal it and sew it into their own skin.
5. DO NOT allow your kids to touch, smell, taste or even look at the garment. Otherwise THEY WILL DIE.
6. DO feel free to employ the garment as a poop-rag. Trust us...it already has been.
7. DO NOT make a flag out of the garment and fly it in your front lawn. People will think you're nuts.
8. DO brag to all your friends that you have a piece of Britney Spears' clothing. You hate them anyway, and it will be a great relief when they no longer want to speak to you.
9. DO NOT allow the garment to fall into enemy hands. The chemicals they could extract from it would allow them to create a weapon so terrible it would make the Death Star look like a pea-shooter.
10. DO get a grip on reality. I mean, I know it's for charity...but you just bought Britney Spears' shirt. Dude, you are laaaaame.