Aish-Abhi Arrives At Cannes

Newlyweds Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan arrive at Cannes (this actually happened yesterday but I was too lazy to post it). Lots of palm trees in Cannes. Hope Aishwarya's eyes don't start straying.

Aishwarya To Take Bachchan's Name, Live With In-Laws

The name Aishwarya Rai may be famous the world round, but you won't be hearing or seeing it very much longer. That's because Aishwarya, being a good traditional Indian girl, has decided to take on new husband Abhishek Bachchan's last name, and has even begun signing autographs as Aishwarya Bachchan.

But that's not the end of the changes in store for the former Miss World Aishwarya. According to reports, the erstwhile Miss Rai and her new hubby will, per tradition, now be moving in with Abhishek's parents, legendary Bollywood stars Amitabh and Jaya Bachchan. Aishwarya will not, however, be expected to give up her own career as a film star; her new in-laws have already given their blessing for her to continue her movie work.

May I now humbly and apologetically take back everything bad I ever said about India? You guys rock. Seriously - any country that knows how to put a woman in her place like that deserves nothing but the utmost respect. Here's someone - Aishwarya Rai I mean - who was wealthy and famous in her own respect, and spent her life jetting around the world, but the second she marries some guy that whole independent lifestyle goes out the window, and she immediately not only takes the guy's name, but happily acquiesces to living with his parents. Are they going to have her on her knees scrubbing floors too? Will they made her dress in tattered rags and order her around like a miserable servant? I hope so. Cause that is one uppity bitch, I'm thinking. All those years of living the high-life probably put a lot of notions in her brain - but somebody's got to beat those notions out of her now. Tear that little ego down, Bachchans. Everyone knows that if you have a vagina, you should automatically be disqualified from having any life of your own. In fact, I'm shocked they're even letting the bitch keep acting. Why? Don't you know that will just reinforce her old ideas of being an independent person? Best to cut that off entirely. No, if I were the Bachchans, I would lock Aishwarya up in a little room and feed her nothing but rancid water and grass until she gets over those free-thinking notions of hers. Then, just to make a little money off the bitch, I'd charge the local horndogs a couple rupees to squirm around on top of her in whatever parody of sex they were able to manage. Cut that high-class whore down a peg or two.

(source)

Rai And Bachchan Now Wed

Bollywood mega-stars Aishwarya Rai and Abhishek Bachchan wed today in Mumbai. The traditional Hindu ceremony featured Bachchan riding in on a white horse, and the couple taking their vows around a sacred fire. With their shoes off presumably. And there was no kissing or drinking either - otherwise the two would've gotten chucked in jail if not stoned to death.

(source)

Crazy Woman Slashes Wrist In Front Of Bachchan Residence

Bollywood hunk Abhishek Bachchan is getting ready to marry his sweetheart, Bollywood beauty Aishwarya Rai (who may or may not already be married to a tree). Apparently this is a cause for great celebration in India, where people have taken to the streets to dance and frolic and possibly burn Richard Gere in effigy. But not everyone in India is smiling at the impending Aish-Abhi nuptials. For one crazy broad named Jahnvi Kapoor, the wedding is a matter of terrific consternation - a fact she let Bachchan in on by driving up to his house and slashing her wrist, in full view of photographers.

Um, Jahnvi - I think you might be crazy hon. Of course, if you're a jilted lover of Bachchan's, then it makes perfect sense, right?

Oh, you were his lover? And he promised to marry you but reneged? You mean he'd rather get hitched to that gorgeous former beauty-queen Aishwarya Rai than your scraggly ass? What the hell's the matter with him anyway? You are one hot babe, Jahnvi. Seriously. Nothing says sexy like a chick with bugs in her hair, and big scars all up and down her arms. Just ask Brad Pitt.

I kid, Jahnvi. Actually, I'm quite concerned about you. You seem, well, crazy, and that makes me sort of sad. I think what you really need is a man - and not Abhishek, who's out of your league anyway. No, you need someone who can sympathize with you - who knows what it feels like to be jilted by someone beautiful and famous.

Hey, I've got it. The perfect person for you Jahnvi. Er, well, maybe not "person," but, since you're Indian, I don't think you'll mind (Aishwarya didn't)...



Apologies to Andy Warhol.

(source)

Bollywood Big-Shots To Marry

Bollywood heavyweights Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai are set to marry April 20 in a small private ceremony at Bachchan's home in suburban Mumbai. The couple, adorably referred to as Aish-Abhi by the Indian press, has long been rumored to be on the track toward marriage, but many speculated the nuptials would never take place because of the dark astrological clouds hovering over Rai, who is believed by some to be cursed. So concerned about this curse is Rai, in fact, that earlier this year she reportedly married a tree as part of some ancient Hindu ceremony, and was later sued because this ritual has long been banned for being "offensive to women." Rai of course denies being married to a tree - I mean, who the hell wouldn't deny that? I'd sooner admit to being married to Andy Dick than a tree. Um - actually, I take that back. I'd be less embarrassed to be married to a tree.

By the way, if Aishwarya is in fact married to a tree, and then she marries Bachchan, doesn't that make her a bigamist? What kind of penalties are there in India for bigamy? I'm guessing they must be pretty harsh. I mean, if you can be chucked in jail for three years for not taking your shoes off, what the hell happens to you if you marry a human while technically being the wife of a piece of vegetation? They probably stretch you on the rack for that or maybe bury you up to your neck and stone you to death. Oh no, I'm sorry - they don't do either of those things, do they? This is India. If you're a woman and you break the law, they just douse you with gasoline and flick matches at you till you go up. Cause that's how civilized people deal with things. They immolate women who are bigamists, whose first husband is a tree. Oh boy...

(source)