Think This Learned Him?

This is what's left of George Michael's Range Rover after he got bombed on some of the good stuff and had a head-on with a truck. I'm sure George has discovered a new appreciation for life after this harrowing experience and will endeavor to get his sorry existence on track. Yeah, I chuckled too. Fucker loves his drugs too much. He'll die horribly, probably taking several people with him. If you must pray, pray that the other vehicle is carrying Lily Allen, Keira Knightley, Sienna Miller, Gwyneth Paltrow and Avril Lavigne.

You Gotta Have Faith. And Some Self-Control Would Be Nice To Have, Too.

Former Wham singer George Michael is in trouble after getting hammered and crashing his Land Rover into a truck.

Michael's vehicle was reportedly "mangled" in the accident, which happened around 1 in the morning on Friday in London. "Michael seemed completely disoriented, like he had no idea what was going on," said the other driver. "He looked totally dazed and even tried to climb into the cab of my [truck]."

You should've let him climb in bro - free blow-jobs at 1 a.m. are great, especially when you're already jacked up on adrenaline from a head-on collision with a celebrity Land Rover.

Needless to say, Michael was arrested after the incident. He will however soon be released to continue his terror campaign against UK motorists.

Is He Just Pretending?

Sacha Baron Cohen really enjoys dressing up as Bruno, the gay character he plays in his upcoming movie. Really, really enjoys it. Almost enough to make one suspicious.

Hmmm...and then there was that whole bit with Eminem at the MTV Movie Awards. That was just for yuks? And Cohen's frolic with Ken Davitian in Borat. And that time I caught him humping George Michael in the bushes. And that other time I went over to Boy George's house and found Sacha handcuffed to a radiator with fresh bruises all over him. And that other time - I get around - when I went to take a leak and there was Sacha sprawled on the tiles getting well and truly fucked in the ass by John Mayer. It's enough to make a guy wonder.

You Gotta Have Faith - And Lots of Crack

George Michael looking like some kind of cracked-out spider monkey. No George, I do not want your sex.

Waste of Good Jail Space

Former singer George Michael was busted Friday for crack and marijuana possession. Guess where he was when he was arrested? Yup - a bathroom. The London cops decided to let Michael off with a warning and he has since apologized for the transgression. How many times has he been nailed for drugs and let off? I've lost count. Seems to me that, if this is all you're going to do with offenders, you might as well not bother having drug laws at all. Michael's probably pissed he didn't get thrown in prison. He's thinking of all the good ass-sex he could be having in there. I guess he'll just have to kill someone or spit at the Queen or something.