Maria Menounos - The Kevin Federline Of Awards Show Reporters

TV networks have this unfortunate propensity to hire people based on certain superficial factors like looks and outward personality while ignoring possibly more meaningful things like intellect and talent. That's how Anderson Cooper got his job. But that's the world of real TV journalism, where adequacy matters. Fluff journalism, you would think, could be practiced by anyone. Like, for example, being a backstage reporter at the Golden Globes. How much talent does it take to do that? Shouldn't take any, you'd think. But, apparently, interviewing America Ferreira (no fat jokes Dirty Disher, I promise) after she won an award requires at least a modicum of proficiency. Which is why it might have been a bad idea to hire former MTV hostess Maria Menounos for the job.

Menounos, a pretty lass to be sure, was apparently foisted on the Golden Globes' producers by NBC brass, who were looking to bring a fresh, hip, young face to the otherwise stodgy proceedings. The producers, however, were not thrilled with Menounos's performance. According to Page 6, Menounos's interviews inspired grumbling behind-the-scenes, and comments like, "She's just terrible." I personally didn't notice - I usually flip through the channels the second I see one of those dumb-ass interviews about to start. I honestly can't see how Menounos could be any worse than Nancy O'Dell, whom I saw bestowing her she-male presence upon the telecast. I mean, what sort of standards do you judge that kind of thing by anyway? She's better than Debbie Matenopoulos but not as good as Giuliana DePandi? They all suck. At least Menounos seems harmless, unlike Matenopoulos, whose voice makes kittens' hearts explode, and DePandi who is so stupid even Poshy Spice could outwit her.

And just for the record, NBC execs deny being dissatisfied with Menounos's performance. But of course TV executives are all liars.

More Golden Globes After-Party Pics

Crabbie's had enough of Brad and Angie, and the other legitimate stars who came out for the Golden Globes. Now it's time for some celebriskanks, damn it. Yeah. Like the Olsen Twins. There they are. God damn it, I can never remember which is which. They both look incredibly Aryan. And the fur. That's got to piss someone off, right? But when you're an Olsen Twin why should you care? You've got lots of money, and people make a big deal about you without even knowing why they should. And you get to be a gigantic freak.

Speaking of gigantic freaks...oh look, it's Paris. Aw, isn't she pretty when she gets all gussied up? Nice necklace too. Now that Paris has decided to become serious about acting, I'm sure we'll soon be seeing her name on the list of Golden Globe nominees. Helen Mirren, Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett, Kate Winslet and Paris Hilton. I wonder what role will be Paris's breakthrough. Maybe Scarlett in a re-make of Gone With the Wind. Or a new version of Of Human Bondage, with Paris as Mildred, the role Bette Davis made her own back in the '30s. Or maybe the Golden Globes will simply introduce a new category, Best Actress in a Grainy Sex Tape. Paris would win that hands-down. Unless Judi Dench got in. That randy old bitch would give Paris a run for her money, I reckon.

Wow. Somebody let Mischa Barton into one of the after-parties. Why? Were they trying to bring everyone else down? This bitch ruins a mood faster than a swarm of killer-bees. In this picture she looks a little...well, she looks like something may have crawled up her ass. Either that or she came out of a semi-coma at the exact moment the shot was taken, and was therefore shocked to suddenly see a camera. Or maybe she's having glandular problems. Or, maybe, she's just a certifiable fucking lunatic, and that's how lunatics look.

It just wouldn't be a rundown of celebriskank activity without Lindsay Lohan. In this picture, she appears to be caught in the glare of a prison searchlight. Something she probably should get used to. Another thing she might want to get accustomed to, given her inevitable jailbird future, is the feel of a broom-handle being roughly inserted into places where broom-handles were not meant to go. Not that Lindsay isn't used to having things stuck in those places. But in jail they don't have nice smooth glass dildos or plastic sex-toys. You get splinters in jail. And anal bleeding is a constant worry. And of course there's the danger of becoming the favorite of the 300-pound jailhouse dyke everyone calls Big Mama. It might seem like a great deal at first, having Big Mama to kick the ass of every girl who messes with you. But then that night comes when Big Mama has a little too much toilet-hooch, and rolls over on top of you in bed, and no matter how you struggle you can't wake her up. And as the air is slowly squeezed out of you, and the little sparklies start dancing in your vision, the only thing you can think is, "I'm going to die underneath a 300-pound dyke who smells like home-made whiskey. I never should've listened to Paris when she said, 'Let's go knock over that Walgreens.'"

More Golden Globes Pics

American Idol loser Kat McPhee attends the Warner Bros./In-Style after-party. This bitch sure gets a lot of attention for someone who came in second. I'm still waiting for the pics of her sloppy-drunk with her legs open and pair of underwear on her head.

Marilyn Manson's ex-squeeze Rose McGowan, also at the after-party. I have nothing to say about this broad, so I'll just make up something arbitrary and mean. Um...all right. Rose McGowan. I bet she smells like month-old cheese. Meh...

Evangeline Lilly of Lost, arriving for the ceremony. Lost lost in every category, didn't it? And Evangeline lost too. Maybe she'll speed up that retirement she keeps threatening. By the way, Evy. Debbie Matenopoulos was making fun of your dress. I think you should kill her. And I don't think you'd go to jail if you did. In fact, I think you would get a medal.

Alyssa Milano at the after-party. Hey, where's Tony Danza? You mean Danza doesn't get invited to Golden Globes parties? Oh, he got invited to the one in his living room. And his dog was the waiter. Well, that's nice for Tony (the poor, poor man).

Hayden Panettiere spreads good cheer at the NBC after-party. Is that kid her little brother? Cause if not, that is one happy kid.

Sacha Baron Cohen's fiance Isla Fisher. Who thinks she was acting when she played that crazy nympho chick in Wedding Crashers? No way. This chick is that nuts. And apparently she and Sacha like three-ways with Andy Dick. More on that later, though.

Wow, look. It's the Elephant Man. No wait, it's only Gillian Anderson.

Here's why Crabbie doesn't post so many pictures of men. Cause they're boring. I mean, what do you say about this? Nice tie Patrick. Hey, Patrick, lose your razor dude? The women are way more fun to make fun of.

Veronica Mars attends the WB/In-Style after-party. She looks very pale here. Also, her face annoys me. And her dress looks like something Angie Dickinson would've worn to the Golden Globes in about 1964.

Jessica Biel at the after-party. So what do you think? Does somebody have to walk around behind this chick directing traffic to keep her from walloping someone with that caboose of hers?

It's okay to like Katherine Heigl. She's very pretty, and seems harmless. Try as I might, I can't think of anything really bad to say about her. Thank goodness for people like Lindsay and Paris.

Golden Globes Coverage

It's Golden Globes night. Crabbie's going to chime in from time-to-time, because he has nothing better to do.

(By the way, if you're reading this after the fact - why are you reading this? Anyway, just go to the bottom and read up. It's more suspenseful that way, especially if you don't know who won (Babel).)

11:01 - Babel wins Best Picture. Of course it does. Because it's the arty movie about how we're all connected. That movie always wins. Whatever. My eyes hurt and I'm going to bed.

10:56 - Schwarzenegger's presenting Best Picture? Didn't he just break his leg? Are they going to wheel him out or something?

10:54 - Forest Whitaker. Jesus. I don't think even Idi Amin himself was this messed up (and he ate people).

10:46 - Helen Mirren again. What hasn't she won tonight? Apparently, all you need to be considered a great actress is a snotty British accent.

10:43 - Heroes robbed again. Fuck you Hollywood Foreign Press, and fuck your stupid ceremony. And fuck Grey's Anatomy and all the skanks on the show, and McStupid and McCreepy and whatever the hell.

10:38 - Dreamgirls won. Borat got skunked. I'm sure someone somewhere cares.

10:31 - Is Sacha Baron Cohen hot? Crabbie still hasn't gotten over that scene with him and Ken Davitian. It reminded him of too many old relationships. Ugh. Better not go into that.

Jennifer Lopez:


10:10 - This god damn Warren Beatty tribute is even longer and more boring than Reds.

Hey, let's have Annette Bening come up on stage and recite the alphabet.

Kate Winslet:


Reese Witherspoon (aka The Angry Midget):


Courteney Cox and David Arquette:


Naomi Watts (drunk):


Why look everybody, it's Cate Blanchett:


9:50 - America Ferreira wins for Ugly Betty. It's the night of the fat girl at the Golden Globes. Viva fat girls!


Cameron Diaz. Um, you look really good Cameron. Heh-heh:


Ali Larter of Heroes:

Hilary Swank. Who says Crabbie never posts pictures of men?:

Jennifer Garner. Nice mug, Jen:


9:37 - Clint Eastwood's Letters From Iwo Jima wins Best Foreign Language Film. Isn't it past Clint's bed-time?

9:32 - Ugly Betty wins. That's the most Hispanic people seen together at one time in the history of Beverly Hills.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus. As if anyone cares:


9:24 - What? No political rant from Baldwin? He's slipping.

You want to thank your daughter, Alec? Is that the one you and Kim Basinger keep fighting over? I can't wait until she starts pouring forth about you in therapy. Hell, she probably already has.

Beyonce:


9:20 - Who cares about writers? Let's see some drunk broads.

Salma Hayek and her giant boobs:


9:12 - Aw, I wanted Bening to win. Cause she's obviously totally loaded, and would probably have fallen down on the way to the stage.

9:01 - Eddie Murphy just won a Golden Globe. The Golden Globes officially have no credibility.

8:58 - Is there anything Helen Mirren isn't in? I think she may actually have played the bear in Borat.

Brad and Angie bestow their presence on the unwashed. They both look old and used up. And Brad looks like he's had work done:


8:46 - Great. Another award for Meryl Streep. Yawn.

I wanted Zellweger to win, so she could go up there and say something drunk and crazy.

8:41 - Charlie Sheen just called Emilio Estevez a genius. Everything I've heard about Bobby is that it's a piece of crap and the Foreign Press Association are idiots for nominating it.

By the way, Lindsay's in that movie. Is she there tonight? I haven't seen her. Damn, we need some Lindsay to jazz up this boring mess.

Vanessa Minnillo. Probably half in the tank already:


8:34 - Will Hugh Laurie never shut up?

Penelope Cruz:


Eva Longoria:


8:32 - Mohinder. Mmm. Yummy.

Drew Barrymore:


8:25 - Naomi Watts is drunk. She couldn't pronounce Inarritu's name, and she was in one of his movies.

Sienna Miller's arrival at the awards. That loud booing sound you hear is the entire city of Pittsburgh:


8:13 - Giving an award to Jeremy Irons. Gee, how original.

Hiro was robbed!

8:06 - Justin Timberlake is presenting an award? Don't you have to be able to read to do that?

8:04 - Jennifer Hudson wins Supporting Actress. Let's hear it for the fat black girl (Of course NBC cuts to America Ferreira. Hey, a fat girl won, let's get a fat-girl reaction.).

Beyonce is pretending to be happy for Jennifer. Just hold it all in, Beyonce. Hold it all in.

7:58 - Seacrest just said he's not into Patrick Dempsey. Right.

Cameron Diaz looks like a crackhead Cyndi Lauper.

Jessica Biel walks the red carpet. Sorry, no ass-shots:


7:48 - E! Spend some money and buy some decent audio equipment. Basic-cable slobs.

7:41 - Evangeline Lilly says she's going to quit acting one day. How about today, bitch?

7:37 - Ha! They totally cut off Jeremy Piven and his mother to go to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt! Piven is nothing. Hug that out, bitch.

God, Jolie is on drugs. She can't stop blinking. Pitt is doing his best to act like he doesn't want to deck Seacrest for asking stupid questions.

7:32 - Brad and Angie are here! Can't you just feel the heavenly glow permeating the air?

Get this stupid amateur bitch out of here. Hugh Laurie just wants to run away and hide.

7:23 - William H. Macy hates Ryan Seacrest. Oh Jesus. Will Ferrell looks like he should be on Welcome Back Kotter.

7:19 - Patrick Dempsey. What do they call him again? McSquirmy? McSquishy? McWhogivesafucky?

Hayden Panettiere of Heroes. Very natural color to her face:


7:14 - I want Giuliana DiPandi to die. She's all gushing about that stupid Blood Diamond movie and talking about how it changed her perspective on things. Please, bitch. You couldn't be any more of a feather-headed, slobbering twit. I hope you fall down a flight of stairs and break your ugly face.

7: 11 - They're treating DiCaprio like he's some kind of god. Now Seacrest is asking him about the orphan he's sponsoring. Why don't you just go down on him Ryan?

Here's a picture of Jennifer Love Hewitt and her bazooms:


7:01 - Jessica Biel seems medicated. I hope Seacrest doesn't accidentally jab her with his woody. Now he thinks she's a lesbian.

6:58 - Eva Longoria is actually kind of funny. She has a nice laugh. Seacrest should disclose to the audience that he's friends with her though. Journalistic ethics is what they call that.

6:52 - America Ferreira. Shouldn't this chick be working at Burger King?

6:48 - Penelope Cruz is a cackling witch. A minute ago they showed Chloe Sevigny. I hope Gallo's there some place. We need some action.

6:34 - It's the little fat girl from Little Miss Sunshine. I think she has a crush on Seacrest. Everyone has the stupid little purse with the mirror. Gosh.

6:26 - I just saw Sienna Miller. She looked like an Olsen twin. Hayden Panettiere is a ditz.

6:23 - Yay! Hiro! Keep your hands off him, Seacrest.

6:16 - The stuff running across the bottom of the screen on E! is the most insipid drivel I've read since the last time I was on Perez's site.

6:08 - John Stamos looks 22. Does he have another woman after being dumped by that model? OMG. Seacrest just hit on Stamos.

6:05 - Seacrest looks like a mental patient with that hair. He just called Debbie Matenopoulos talented. This fag just made a crack about Judi Dench being the new Paris Hilton. Please. Dench is way dirtier than Hilton will ever be.

6:03 - Red carpet. Giuliana DePandi is talking to Zach Braff. He's trying to be funny. He's not succeeding.