Not Rooting For A Fiery Crash Or Anything But...

I'm at the point now where I absolutely can't stand Will Smith and his family. Especially that Jaden kid. That little fucker clearly needs to be taken down several pegs. Now he's going to be a child-star I suppose and we'll be looking at his stupid face and stupid hair from now until the drug overdose. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a computer or a TV or even a radio or eyes. The one saving grace here is that the girl appears far too ugly to ever get into movies. Good. She can go to MIT or something and become a physicist. World needs those too.

Jada Wants Will to Take Some Time Off (From Sticking it to Charlize Theron)

Will Smith's wife Jada Pinkett Smith wants her superstar husband to take a break from work.

"I've been working a lot the last couple of years," Will said. "My wife has said we have to take the next five months off. I enjoy my job, I really enjoy working.

"She might need to be prepared to have lots of sex."

What kind of sex would that be Will? Wild "Back With the Wife After Fucking My Co-Star for Weeks on the Road" sex? The kind of sex that keeps her from going Lorena Bobbitt on your crank?

That's some job you have there Will...making movies, going on the road, hosing gorgeous Oscar-winners, getting paid gazillions. Yeah, you definitely need some downtime. Grab a spot on the Barcalounger, turn on the TV and just snooze.

Is Something Going On Between Charlize Theron and Will Smith?

Will Smith and Charlize Theron have spent the last week jetting around the world promoting their new big summer action-comedy Hancock...and many have noted how open the stars have been about demonstrating their affection for each other.

And Perez Hilton just had an item in which he claimed, via one of his sources (the same one who told him Mary-Kate Olsen was in the room when Heath Ledger died?), that Jada Pinkett Smith went ballistic on a red carpet when a reporter asked her about her husband's alleged carrying-on with Charlize.

It would be cool if Smith and Theron were fucking...cause the carnage when Pinkett found out would be crazy. She would make the Myanmar cyclone look like the breeze from a busted fan. She would kick Will out of the house for sure, and he would have to move in with Tom and Katie...which would make Tom very, very happy.

Victoria Beckham's Giant Birthday Bash

Victoria Beckham threw herself a birthday party over the weekend and invited every famous person she knows. A lot of them showed up...to fawn over David. They couldn't care less about her of course.

Posh's boobs will be celebrating their 6th birthday here soon as well I think.



Yes, Tom and Katie were there. Somebody tell Nicole Richie that Katie is stealing her look. Tom's mom did his hair for him again I see.

Katie made that dress herself...out of a shower curtain. She's very industrious. It's either that or succumb to the despair.



Will Smith came straight from the country club. Nothing gives you more street cred than headwear from the Ben Hogan collection. Is that Tom Green trying to get an autograph? Oh, poor Tom...he should've saved more money from when he was rubbing his butt against things.



Jada Pinkett, channeling Rihanna. Jada would need to grow about two feet to truly become Rihanna. A foot of that would be forehead of course.



Eva Longoria took a night off from pretending to love Tony Parker. How loud does this bitch get when she'd drunk I wonder? That laugh of hers could crack glaciers.


Kate Beckinsale took a night off from worshipping her own vagina. Pharoah's Tomb my ass. More like Grand Central Station.



Gwen Stefani and her lame-ass husband brought gifts. What, no Kingston? I thought he was sewn to Gwen's hip. I can't wait till the new one comes out. She should kidnap adopt a couple Asian kids too. Only selfish people restrict themselves to bio-kids.


Sean Combs was invited...you know, to class the joint up. Apparently Bobby Brown wasn't available.

Cruise Butts In Again

Tom Cruise is apparently stalking Will Smith. Or perhaps it's a coincidence that the midget religious freak keeps showing up at every big event Smith attends?

Tom was there again last night, as Smith and his half-Leprechaun wife Jada Pinkett celebrated the premiere of Smith's new atrocious-looking movie I Am Legend. Tom's own wife Katie Holmes did not show up at the event, which will doubtless spark a new round of "Katie has been artificially inseminated using Tom's specially formulated alien sperm" rumors.

I'm sorry, but there's no way Will Smith can be happy about Tom deciding to glom onto him like this. I don't want to hear about how they're good buddies either - Will is a smart guy, and knows perfectly well that Tom is radioactive right now from a box-office standpoint. Tom ruins the publicity campaigns for his own movies by acting nuts, so no one with any sense wants him around when they're trying to promote theirs. But, Will probably just can't get rid of him. So when he sees Tom coming he just grits his teeth, mutters, "Here comes the dwarf Jesus again," and rolls with it as best he can.

As to Tom's reasons for attaching himself to Smith...obviously, Tom thinks Will is considered cool, and believes that by being seen with him some of that coolness will rub off, and help him re-establish his own reputation as someone who is not a dork (he was considered fairly hip for five minutes back in the mid-'80s as I recall). Problem is, I don't think Smith is all that cool anymore. He was back in the Men in Black days, but now he's sort of like a younger, less-funny Bill Cosby. If Tom really wanted to be seen as cool he'd latch onto Michael Cera or Seth Rogen or someone like that. But Tom probably hasn't even heard of those people. I honestly don't think Tom had heard of Katie either, until her audition tape came in. Then he was all like, "Who's this charming Holmes lass? Is she popular among the younger set? If I create the impression that I'm having sex with her, will people then consider me 'with it' as I believe the expression goes?"

Calculating little bastard.

(source)

A Party For Posh And Becks

No press was allowed inside L.A.'s Museum of Contemporary Art for Tom and Katie's big welcome to America party for Victoria and David Beckham, but the stars were gracious enough to pose for a few pictures outside. This group pic is one for the scrapbook, eh? Of course, there is one thing that strikes us right away - Tom is the only one who's shorter than his wife. But at least he's taller than that knick-knack Jada.



"Raise your hand if you're a closet fag religious fanatic with a Napoleonic complex..."



David's a narcoleptic. Poshy looks like a yellow spider died on her head. Yeah, wish I'd been there.

Jada Pinkett Smith Makes Up Some Crap About Tom And Katie

First it was nutty Jenna Elfman publicly taking up for embattled friends Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, and now it's Will Smith's squirrely little midget wife Jada Pinkett Smith. In an interview with People magazine, Jada, who is not officially a Scientologist as far as I know, says the public's perception of Tom and Katie's marriage is dead wrong, that Katie is not the shrinking violet everyone assumes her to be, and that Tom has by no means shoved Scientology down his Catholic wife's throat.

Pull the other one Jada!

All right, I'll give Jada her chance. Here's what she had to say about the real Katie - whom she describes as a tigress - and the metamorphosis she underwent after becoming Tom's wife:

I think everybody has this image: Poor little Kate, she doesn't have the strength to take care of herself. People don't know that behind all that grace is a tiger. I've witnessed it! I've had conversations with Kate personally where the tigress comes out of her, that fight.
There was one incident when I turned to Will – we were in their dining room, just the four of us, we were sitting and talking – Kate made a comment, and that was the moment I was like, "You know what? I can ride with her." She made it very clear she wasn't standing for people messing with her family. She is extremely protective. But at the same time she's so graceful.

I can see how people wouldn't see this, but when you look at Kate now [compared to] when she first met Tom, she's more confident and more knowing who she is than ever before. You can see it in her pictures. She looks more beautiful and more confident and more assured. I've watched that metamorphosis – how Kate has blossomed into this woman. Because her life changed very quickly, she moved from one person into another.

First of all Jada, I don't know if anyone ever suggested that Katie was some kind of pitiful little piece of jello who didn't know how to take care of herself. I always thought of Katie as just being a tad naive - not some kind of pathetic wretch but, you know, young and not exactly MENSA material. And a guy like Tom Cruise with all his money and his fame and power, and the selling job he knows how to do after years of working in Hollywood - how could a girl in Katie's position really deal with that? Tom comes on stronger than almost anyone. He obviously decided that Katie would make an ideal wife, because she was beautiful and young and above all pliant. Not empty - just suggestible. And she probably got overwhelmed by him. Swept away. She really seemed kind of bewildered there at first. Maybe she's not anymore, but still, do you really think Tom, a guy who subscribes to a religion that is demonstrably sexist, is actually going to allow any wife of his that much freedom if he can help it?

But here's what Jada says about the idea of Katie as a "prisoner":

It burns my soul – I see her in the house with Tom; he doesn't have that on her! It kills me. "Tom's this monster and he's got her chained up in the basement and he's forcing Scientology down her throat" – it's bullshit. Let me tell you: Kate ain't no little wimpy kitty cat. It's not that ballgame. For real.

I see how protective she is over her family and her husband. She very much carries the idea that people better not [mess] with my family. She gets fired up. When she gets to that mode, it makes me step back. I was like, "Okay!" And Tom looks at me and goes, "See? See? Did you see that?" And I go, "Yeah, I saw that – hell yeah." It amazes me.

She's got a quiet thunder. When she walks into a room, or you see her in a magazine – it's a thunder that people are attracted to. It's quiet and it's very subtle, but it's extremely powerful. What's great about Kate is that she doesn't wear who she is on her sleeve, and that makes people so interested in her. That in itself is quite a power, and she knows it. Kate is smart, let me just put it like that.

It burns Jada's soul! Katie has a quiet thunder! Katie ain't no wimpy little kitty cat! Who the fuck talks like that?!

Honestly, Jada - you have a lot of exchanges with people that go: "Okay!" And Tom looks at me and goes, "See? See? Did you see that?" And I go, "Yeah, I saw that – hell yeah." What, were you observing the intricate mating dance of the whooping crane?

I think it's interesting that Jada consistently fails to give any specific examples of Katie standing up to Tom, or Katie showing this quiet thunder tigress don't-fuck-with-her thing. All she can do is throw out these nebulous remarks about "the one time this happened" or "this other time when I was over at Tom and Katie's for a barbecue." Jeez Jada, if you're going to make up some shit, do you think you could at least do a good job of it?

I weary of Jada and her Oprah-like "you go girl" ejaculations. But I must run this last bit of her bullshit, where she attempts the truly absurd feat of convincing us that not only is Katie not a wimp, but she actually runs the household:

Tom don't run nothin' in that house! It is Katie's house. It's her world! The devotion that Tom has to his wife, and the places he'll go to make her happy – spiritually, where he will go as a man for his woman.

He's taking time off to just be with [Katie] on her routine. [Holmes is filming Mad Money in Louisiana.] It's nice when our husbands take the time to come with us to work. I saw him the other day, he had Suri by himself. He had Suri for like four days. By himself. He's a family guy as well as this larger-than-life individual. He knows, more than anything, that for him to be happy, he's got to have a happy home and a happy family.

Oh Jada, you are hilarious. "He's taking time off to just be with [Katie] on her routine." Right. He's down there in Louisiana while she's filming that movie because he wants to "be there for her." It has nothing to do with him being a jealous, controlling nut-bag. And I love that other line: "It's nice when our husbands take the time to come with us to work." Really Jada? And I wonder, if Katie were say a waitress, would it be nice for Tom to hang around the restaurant where she was working? Would people think he was being supportive or smothering and insane? The truth, Jada, is that Tom's afraid if he takes his eye off Katie too long, she'll start to stray (as she may already be doing). And why is he afraid of this? Because Katie isn't a shrinking violet; because she does have a will of her own, and Tom knows this. And that's why he has to exert his "manly authority," which springs from insecurity and probably latent homosexuality.

No Jada - nobody buys your little "Katie really wears the pants" deal - everyone knows that Tom wears the pants. Any religion that features, right in the wedding vows, such nonsense as the man promising to give the woman a pot and a comb and a cat, and the woman promising to understand if her man should need to stray - that religion was created by a misogynist for misogynists, and no man who believes that stuff is going to marry somebody and then not be in charge. Seriously Jada - the next time you set out to defend your pals Tom and Katie, try a little less hard, okay? I mean, I swear, I thought that next you were going to insist it was actually Katie who had the penis, and Tom who carried the baby in his womb. Actually, that I might believe...

(source)

(thanks to Crabbie-fan Felicia Singh for the tip)