The Family That Fake-Smiles Together...

The Seinfelds are an attractive bunch. But, um, what's up with the one kid in the green shirt? Too good to fake-smile like the rest of his family? What is he, the rebel Seinfeld? The one who's gonna grow up to be in a biker gang and ride around harassing old men and seducing good girls in bobby sox who dream of escaping their dreary small town existence on the back of a hog?

Boring Chumps

Madonna and her little baseball-playing Dick of the Month Club winner Alex Rodriguez are all over the New York media for flying out to Jerry Seinfeld's place in the Hamptons on helicopters. They allegedly stayed there four hours before leaving. What did they do with the Seinfelds for four hours at the Seinfelds' house before flying off in helicopters like characters in some dumb-ass Tom Clancy novel? Perhaps we don't want to know. I wonder if this Rodriguez character is smart enough to realize he's being used by Madonna as a means of getting back at her husband Guy Ritchie for whatever she thinks Ritchie did to her. Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he just wants his place on that rather long list of people who've fucked Madonna. Maybe he thinks when he gets to the end this will earn him a special place in whatever afterlife he believes in. "Oh, you did Madonna. There's a special VIP room for people like you. It's currently the size of North America but we're thinking of knocking out a wall."

Jerry Seinfeld Rolls His Car, Lives

Comedian Jerry Seinfeld should probably be dead or badly hurt right now, considering what happened to him while he was driving around in the Hamptons Saturday.

According to East Hampton police, Seinfeld was driving his vintage Fiat, alone, when the brakes failed, forcing the Bee Movie star to deliberately swerve off the road to avoid running through an intersection.

The maneuver caused Seinfeld's car to roll, coming to rest only yards away from other vehicles.

"His actions probably avoided a very serious accident," said East Hampton police chief Todd Sarris. "I think he was a little shaken up, with justification."

Police rushed to the scene (it was a Fiat so of course they did), and were amazed to discover that Jerry required no medical attention.

The comedian of course tried making humor out of his near-disaster.

"Because I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit of."

Obviously Larry David didn't write that for him.