Who Was The Matchmaker? Satan?

I go to sleep all innocent as a lamb then wake up to discover that Russell Brand is chasing Katy Perry all over Europe. Now I may never sleep again!

No, it's not a joke - Brand says he is in love with Perry and has even sent her a love poem. The Daily Mail says Katy replied to the poem with a photograph of her tits that had the word "poem" written on it.

Because she couldn't think of a poem, you see? Because she is stupid. Because every time she is lost for words she resorts to showing her tits. Which is all the time.

And why am I so disturbed by this? Because Russell Brand and Katy Perry are the two most insufferable people in the world and the thought of them together is almost more than I can take. I would sooner have Mischa Barton hook up with Michael Lohan. I would rather endure the thought of Maggie Gyllenhaal fucking Mike Huckabee.

Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean double-teaming Glenn Beck (he wishes) would be less irritating than Brand putting his brand on that brainless cow Perry. Ugh, I'm going to be sick.

Tyra Banks Hangs With Mike Huckabee, Shits Herself

Okay...I realize that headline is a bit misleading. No, Tyra Banks did not shit herself when she hung with Mike Huckabee. It was Huckabee who shit himself. He was like, "God damn, I knew there were some dumb fuckers in this world, but this bitch ought to get a medal."

How dumb is Tyra Banks? Dumb enough to vote for Mike Huckabee.

But now onto the shitting part. Apparently, Tyra is prone to accidents of the ill-timed bowel-voiding type. An account from some reporter for Paper Magazine:

I arranged to do [the interview] backstage at the tents in the w suite. Just when I start getting comfortable and ready, a group of madmen and madwomen storm in and take possession of the suite because... ready?... Tyra Banks messed herself and needed to change. Now, let's break this down: messing oneself should not happen if you are older that 5 or younger than 90. if it happens and in fact you are older than 5 or younger that 90, then it should be one, single, very unfortunate episode which will bound you to be made fun of forever and you can't complain about it. Now I would like to bring to your attention that Tyra's people carried a change of clothes for her at NYC fashion week. Hmmmh... could it be that Tyra messed herself before? or just that her entourage is so organized that in case tyra would ever, maybe, possibly mess herself that one time, they have a change of clothes? I don't know...

Look, here's the deal - Tyra Banks is a TV personality. And everyone knows, TV personalities are the most important people on the face of the earth. They're so important that they can't really be expected to bother with little things like shitting in toilets. So I don't know what the big deal is. If Tyra wants to spread a hot steaming mess through her panties, she's Tyra. She's got assistants to take care of it, doesn't she? Okay then.

(source)

Huckabee, Obama Win

Mike Huckabee and Barack Obama are the winners of the Iowa caucuses. No shock since both have been the favorites there for days. The fact that so many people supported a lunatic like Huckabee only demonstrates again that Iowa is full of nuts.

Huckabee Keeps Pulling The Chuck Norris Lever

Further proof that Mike Huckabee thinks people are idiots who will vote for him not because he's qualified to be president, but because they think he's a "regular guy" like them (via CBN.com):

Mike Huckabee just released his schedule of New Hampshire events and here's the part that is very interesting: Every single one of them is with actor Chuck Norris.

This seems to be a smart marketing move by Huckabee. Follow me here on this. Let's say Huckabee wins Iowa. The media goes ga-ga and Huckabee becomes the feel good story, the miracle worker right?

Then here he comes to New Hampshire with tough as nails Chuck Norris. Huckabee claims the underdog won in Iowa and he's ready for a fight. Enter Chuck Norris who knows a thing or two about a good fight. They go on the trail together as "Huck and Chuck" and gives Huckabee the "cool factor." It makes sense.

"See, I'm just like you. I think Chuck Norris is cool. I remember when I saw Missing in Action at the drive-in, and I thought, 'Wow. Chuck Norris represents everything that's great about America. He doesn't just sit there on his couch while his buddies are still in prison back in 'Nam - he goes and kicks some gook ass and gets them out.' These are values all us regular guys who aren't being the least bit ironic and don't even know what irony is can relate to."

Huckabee is one shrewd fucker. Of course dragging Chuck to New Hampshire won't help him with all the elitist B&B types up there, but Huckabee knows good and well that the cable channels take bits from those rallies and put them on TV, so it's still worth it to him.

(source)

Mike Huckabee: A Big Enough Pretend Fool To Be President?

Mike Huckabee has demonstrated himself eminently qualified to be president of the United States, not by evincing any great knowledge or proficiency or depth of thought, but for showing exactly the opposite.

Yes, here is a man with a capacity for calculated dopiness that may exceed that of even Ronald Reagan himself. Yesterday, in an interview with an Iowa newspaper, Huckabee put the full range of his fake doofosity on display for all to see. The former Arkansas governor was challenged by a reporter over his apparent utter lack of foreign policy knowledge, and specifically his ignorance of the recent National Intelligence Estimate on Iran. The candidate's response:

The point I’m trying to make is that, on the campaign trail, nobody’s going to be able, if they’ve been campaigning as hard as we have been, to keep up with every single thing, from what happened to Britney last night to who won “Dancing with the Stars."

Read between the lines of Huckabee's absurd statement and you get to the crux of his whole campaign strategy. It becomes clearer still when you remember the candidate's remarks about Jamie Lynn Spears's pregnancy - not the actual substance of the remarks, but the fact that he made them at all. Here, basically, is what Huckabee is telling the American people:

"I, Mike Huckabee, am like you. I don't give a damn about all that complicated stuff like the National Intelligence Estimate. Iran? We'll just bomb those fuckers if the time comes. No, America - I, like you, am a completely frivolous person. I know more about what's going on in the life of Britney Spears's sister than I do about what's happening in the world's problem areas. So, if you vote for me, you won't be voting for some smart guy in a suit who's going to confuse you with big words or scare you with ideas you can't grasp. You'll be voting for your good pal Mike who has to watch what he eats or else he'll become a big fat-ass again (and who doesn't know what that feels like); who doesn't believe in evolution; who thinks homos are evil and that you can get AIDS just by shaking hands with one; who has no question that he is loved by Jesus and who not only knows what "Dancing With the Stars" is but watches it and thinks it's a great show."

This is a terrifying man. And he may just win.

(source)

Huckabee Co-Opts Jamie Lynn

Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee thinks Jamie Lynn Spears is doing the right thing by having her baby. The bible-thumping former fat-ass said:

It's a tragedy when a 16-year-old who is not really prepared for all the responsibilities of adult life is going to be now faced with all the responsibilities of honest-to-goodness adult life.

Apparently, she's going to have the child and I think that is the right decision, a good decision, and I respect that and appreciate it. I hope it is not an encouragement to other 16-year-olds who think that is the best course of action.

But at the same time I'm not going to condemn her. I just hope that she will make another right decision and that's to give that child all the love and kindness and care that she can.

Yeah, okay Huckabee. And if she was your 16-year-old daughter and you were running for office, what would you think then about her decision to have the baby? Would it even be up to her in that situation, or would you have her drugged and spirited away to the nearest back-door abortion clinic to save you the shame of having to explain the whole thing?

Here's a suggestion Schmuckabee - just don't say anything about it at all. We know, the whole pro-life thing is part of your right-wing holy-roller kick, but please - it's insulting when people like you try to co-opt everything you think can help you make your case. If somebody shoots up a mall, it's an opportunity to drag out the old "rock music is evil" routine. If some little harlot gets knocked up, it's an opportunity to remind your base how much you "value human life." Do us all a favor sir, and shove it in your used-to-be-gigantic ass.

(source)

Mike Huckabee Makes Me Ill

Take your holiday and shove it, Christ-boy.