Her Favorite

Not sure why, but I always get the impression that Maddox is Angie's favorite. Of course we know she hates the blob. She probably hates the twins because they are also blobs, though she has been careful not to call them that. Zahara is basically Brad's. And Pax...he's just along for the ride.

When Angie dies, Maddox will get everything. The black wardrobe. The whips and handcuffs. The knives. All of it. And James Haven will be devastated.

Jolie-Pitt Brood Dental Update

Global warming. Recession. Swine flu. Teabaggers killing census workers. Who cares about all that shit. Pax and Shiloh both lost a tooth! Aw, aren't they adorable?

Get Used To It Kid

Photogs have been falling all over themselves trying to get a decent picture of Madonna's new adopted daughter Mercy. Here it finally is. The kid looks mildly upset but not on the verge of a psychotic episode like Suri or Pax.

Mercy will have many new experiences like this in the days and weeks to come. By now I'm sure she's already been introduced to Western food, which is nothing like the food in Malawi in that it actually exists. And Western water, which lacks that extra just-shit-into taste. And Western mosquitoes, which only take little bites, rather than tearing off your entire arm.

Oh, and of course she's gotten to hang out with David and Lourdes. The first thing she did was grab one of Lourdes' eyebrows, to see if it was real. Abe Vigoda gets that all the time too.

There's No Love Like Brad's Love

Angie opened her big yap for Australia's Herald Sun and this nugget came flopping out, concerning Brad's love for the new twins:

He’s just so happy and having twins is something neither of us ever expected and I think that makes it all the more special for us both. When I see how much love is in Brad’s eyes for the twins and for all our children — it’s a very moving experience for me. I never wanted to become pregnant and have children that way unless I had come to know Brad and see how loving he was with Maddox and Pax. So that was a big step for me.

It's a stab at Jon Voight. "I never wanted to become pregnant and have children that way unless I had come to know Brad and see how loving he was with Maddox and Pax." Yes, Angie has witnessed the horrors of an unloving father. Now she doesn't have to worry about her kids being deprived of affection and proper cars for showing off to the other kids in high school. Angie's terrible childhood conditioned her to understand the suffering of all those poor people out there in all those icky countries with "stan" at the ends of their names. That fucker Voight probably wouldn't even give her a credit card of her own! So of course she knows what it's like for people who eat a handful of maggoty rice once a month, drink water from rivers full of rotting corpses and have to sell their newborn daughters to Gary Glitter just to go on living. She cares! Have you gotten the message yet?

Ragamuffins

Angelina dresses the kids like little ragamuffins - check out Pax especially - but the whole thing reeks of over-studied phoniness. If they were real ragamuffins they wouldn't be nearly so color-coordinated. And the way Shiloh's pants are rolled up. Trying too hard.

Brad Pax Maddox

The Venice Film Festival is about to start I guess - or maybe already has started, how the hell should I know. Anyway Brad is there with Maddox and Pax. Brad has that new Coen Brothers movie coming out, Burn After Reading, where he plays a hapless guy who flails his limbs around a lot. The only thing worse than Brad serious is Brad wacky. Remember 12 Monkeys? He got an Oscar nomination for that - cause he went cross-eyed and flipped everyone the bird for 2 hours. A kid with Down Syndrome could've given the exact same performance. But the Academy loves it when pretty people play ugly or dirty or crazy. They call this "playing against type." Even though the pretty people are all ugly, dirty maniacs underneath.

Brad Ducks Out on Angie

Brad took a break from waiting at the hospital to hang out with Bono and Robert De Niro at Bono's house. There's no truth to the rumor that Bono and De Niro have begun merging into the same hideously annoying, old, washed-up person. As you can see from the top pic, Brad took Pax along. I had an older brother who thought it was funny to hang me upside down like that when I was a wee lad. He now sings soprano.

Brad is Trying to Kill Maddox

Brad is reportedly teaching Maddox how to do jumps on a little a pint-sized motorcycle. This has Angie in a state of nervous anxiety.

"When I watch them having real strong father/son time or even when Mad tells me, 'This is a boy thing, Mum!', it's just really beautiful to see," Angie said.

"Brad's got him doing jumps on his mini-motorcycle, and I couldn't do that without being so nervous I'd pass out.

"Brad is a great teacher, but the first time Mad went on the motorcycle, I could hardly watch."

Clearly, Brad is trying to kill Maddox. Not consciously maybe...but still, he wants Maddox dead. And when he's done with the first Asian he'll move on to Pax and then Zahara. And then there will only be the blobs and Angelina and him...the way he secretly wants it.

Brad and Angelina's Adopto-Kids are Confused About the Whole Pregnancy Thing

Brad and Angie's adopto-kids have developed some curious notions about what's going on inside their pregnant faux-mommy's womb right now.

"The kids are excited and they are starting to understand about me being pregnant," Angelina explained. "We’ve had it before with Shiloh so they know what’s going on."

Their understanding would, however, appear to be incomplete. Angie says:

"Zahara pretends she’s pregnant too and says she has an animal in her tummy. She says the piggy is making her eat all the chocolate brownies! And Pax says he’s got a baby monkey inside him! So it’s really fun in our house at the moment."

That's fun? Those kids sound disturbed.

Zahara is clearly messed up about being the only black kid in the Rainbow Brood (hence her belief that the "piggy" is eating chocolate brownies), and Pax is obviously repressing some awful memory of being attacked by a monkey back when he lived in his Southeast Asian shithole home before being rescued by the big crazy white lady with the alien arms.

And God only knows what sick shit is in Shiloh's head. Probably nightmares about Steve McQueen movies.

Brad and Angie Go Boating (With Pax and Maddox)

The French adventure continues for Brad, Angelina and the Rainbow Brood. Here Pax and Maddox are treated to a boat ride. Maddox looks like he's about to hurl. And Angie's pregnant but she's not wearing a life-jacket! Weeooweeooweeooo! Unborn child endangerment alert! Somebody call unborn child services! Angelina is putting her unborn blob at risk! Weeooweeooweoo!!!!

Brad and Angie in France

Brad and Angie have hauled the kiddies to France again. Here we see them enjoying a wonderful rocky French beach over the weekend. They've decided to let Pax's hair grow so that he looks like one of those skateboard punks you're always afraid is going to try to mug you as you're going in from your car to pay for gas. Sometimes they ask me to buy them cigarettes. "Sure kid, I'll buy you a pack of cigs...if you blow me." No...they're minors and I would never actually say that. I think it though.

Brad and Angie are cool, so they hang out with The Edge from U2. Okay...U2 hasn't been cool since 1990. That's okay though. Brad hasn't been cool since about '95, and Angie...was she ever cool? Maybe for a week there. Now they're all just lame people dragging their kids over rocks. "Oh, isn't this fun kids? Look at all the geology."

Brad's really hauling on her arm in that second pic. I'd be afraid of snapping it in two.

James Haven to Meet With Senators

Angelina's freaky brother James Haven is also on the save-the-world kick.

Today, the child molesterish James will meet with Senators Dick Lugar, Barbara Boxer and others about the problems of AIDS and malaria in Africa.

If James wants to stop AIDS in Africa, he should stop fucking Africans.

Okay, that was bad. Anyway...since James is in Washington doing good deeds, Angelina has to be there too. Angie was actually spotted in town yesterday, with Maddox and Pax, at the Air and Space Museum.

I wonder if Angie and James were able to make time for themselves. You know, put the kids to sleep, head into the bedroom for a little hanky-panky...

I just made myself barf.

Brad And Pax Have Some, Um, Fun

"Dearest father, could you please stop the all-terrain vehicle upon which we are experiencing so much merriment? A large insect has gone into my mouth and lodged itself behind my uvula."

Zahara Can Walk

Apparently Zahara can walk after all.

Angie Still Hates Shiloh

Angelina Jolie obviously learned nothing from the infamous "blob" interview, cause she's still going around saying inexplicable, silly things about her bio-kid Shiloh.

Angie's latest outrage against her genuine white spawn was perpetrated during a talk with Look Magazine, when the dim-witted humanitarian said:

[Shiloh] looks like Brad. It’s funny because she’s almost going to be the outcast in the family because she’s blonde and blue-eyed.

I felt so much more for Madd, Zahara and Pax because they were survivors.

Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born.

But I’m conscious that I have to make sure I don’t ignore her needs, just because I think the others are more vulnerable.

A question for Angie: By your logic, shouldn't Zahara also be an outcast in the family, since she's the only black one? Or is the distinction not between white, Asian and African, but between white and non-white? White equaling privileged and non-vulnerable, and non-white equaling victimized and underprivileged and therefore more deserving of nurturing and love.

And what does it say about you Angie that you have to remind yourself to take care of Shiloh's needs? And how exactly does that work anyway? You wake up in the morning, walk out into the kitchen, go to get your orange juice from the fridge and...oh dear, what does this post-it say? "You have a daughter named Shiloh. She is locked in a pet-carrier in the gardener's shed. Don't forget to feed her sometime this week." Oh yeah, you'll teach that little blob all about being vulnerable, won't you Angie?

Shiloh, I daresay, is destined to hate Angelina as much as Angie hates her own father Jon Voight, whom she clearly blames for whatever bad stuff she thinks happened to her when she was a kid. That's the way these things always work, isn't it? Patterns of neglect. Voight made Angie feel worthless by not loving her enough, so now she's doing the same thing - and she's got the rationalizations down too. She says it's about Shiloh being too privileged and not vulnerable enough, but it's really all about her projecting a bunch of bullshit onto the kid. Her belief that only victims are truly worthy of love, which is like her brother James Haven's nonsense about feeling bad for widows. The irony of course is that Shiloh is a victim now too - Angie has made her one. Later in life Shiloh will suffer the same feelings of neglect and worthlessness, cause she has a mother who has better things to do than pay attention to her, just as Voight had better things to do than pay attention to poor miserable Angie and James.

And what if everything I just said is only bullshit, and Angie really is a loving mother? There's still no reason for her to keep saying the stuff she says. It makes people mad - a fact that Angie is apparently oblivious to. I suppose in her little world she never makes a mistake anyway though. She cares about the poor and the starving, so anything else she says or does is excusable. That's how people like Angie always think. They believe that, the more they display their beneficence, the more the world should allow them to get away with other stuff. And what the hell - even if Angie does fuck up, she never has to hear any questions about it, cause she'll just tell her people to screen out any press folks who might bring up anything negative. People like Angie think they should have laurels heaped upon them, but never have to answer for their mess-ups. It's a little like being a member of the Bush Administration, except I think George Bush and his cronies actually love their kids.

(source)

Angie, Brad and Kids Hit The High Seas

Brad and Angie took time out from walking the red carpet in Venice to take the kiddies on a boat-ride. Pax looks like he's enjoying Western junk-food, eh? He's gonna be fatter than Sandler's kid at this rate. Let's see, looking for other things in the picture to criticize. Call Shiloh retarded again? Nah, that's played. Zahara doesn't look that mean here either. No sign of Maddox anywhere. Maybe they finally had to send him to pre-school anger-management. Could Pax's face be swollen from Maddox beating the crap out of it? Or maybe all the fat that's draining off Angie's body is mysteriously going into Pax. All right, I've made fun of these people too much - I can't think of anything else to say. I'm sure they're fine. Angie can't be as bad as people make her out to be. They're probably very happy.

Haaaa! Of course they're not happy! They're miserable fuckers and Angie is a soul-sucking whore! It's all a god damn sham!

We Finally Found Something That Makes Zahara Smile...

Being carried by Brad. Yup, that would do it.



Brad looks like he's enjoying himself.



Pax is grinning from ear-to-ear.

Where's Angelina?

How come they all look so happy when she's not there?