Couldn't Have Happened To A Nicer Rabid Midget

No, it's not Peaches Geldof or a 50-year-old gym teacher reliving her '80s Madonna phase - it's Avril Lavigne.

And I thought Mischa Barton was the only useless celebutwat afflicted with occasional bouts of inexplicable bloat.

Dear Avril: Rolling around on the carpet isn't great for your hair. Drinking isn't great for your skin, body or disposition.

I am so tickled right now, I can't even say. I sincerely hope this is the beginning of a long, painful meltdown, ending in premature, agonizing death.

WTF Mischa?

No that is not Peaches Geldof on the right...it is Mischa Barton. Something has gone horribly wrong with her lately...I mean wronger than things are usually going for her, which is pretty wrong.

Mischa claims that her bloated face is the result of having a wisdom tooth yanked out. Yeah okay but what about the hat and the make-up? Since when does dental work turn you into a droog? Start planning the memorial service.

If A Someone Pulls A Publicity Stunt And No One Gives A Shit, Does It Make A Sound?

Musician Max Drummey has admitted that his quickie Vegas wedding to Peaches Geldof was nothing but a publicity stunt, one he claims worked wonders for his band Chester French.

"It was totally a publicity stunt. 100 per cent," the guitarist said. "I have her [Peaches] on retainer. Not as my PR, as my friend. On my personal payroll. She's my friend for money. She also orchestrates publicity stunts for me."

So it's like in school when I used to give kids candy and blow-jobs so they'd hang out with me? No, it's nothing like that. It's infinitely more pathetic. Because at least I was just a child who knew no better. Max Drummey...

Yeah, you're right, it's just about the same thing. Sad that, despite this wildly successful publicity stunt, I still had never heard of Chester French until reading this story. And if Peaches thinks she's some kind of media manipulating wiz-kid...guess again. Britney Spears pulled that same one long ago, and she's dumber than a squashed grape.

Peaches OD

Bob Geldof's wayward daughter Peaches nearly died of an overdose in her crib in North London Sunday night. "Peaches could not breathe for several minutes after suffering a respiratory arrest," a source told the Sun. "If she had not received [mouth-to-mouth] she could have died or she could have suffered brain damage."

Peaches' friend administered the life-saving mouth-to-mouth after finding her passed out on the floor. Good thing the friend acted so quickly...it would've been a shame for the world to be deprived of such a productive individual. The hard-partying spawn of celebrities are our most vital natural resource.

Mischa And Peaches - Partners In Uselessness

Mischa Barton and Peaches Geldof at the Viper Awards. What the hell are the Viper Awards? Mischa and Peaches should win some kind of award for being useless. Seriously - they could release a full-on lesbian sex tape and no one would give a shit. Except maybe Heather Mills, who would mistake them for a pair of abused animals.

Peaches Gets The Boot

Peaches Geldof is only a big deal to Peaches Geldof. Maybe someone should take the girl aside and explain this - otherwise more unpleasantness is sure to occur, of the type that went down when she raided the trailer of a band performing at the Glastonbury Festival this weekend.

The band is called The Enemy - and they are not big fans of Peaches Geldof. Said the group's lead-singer of Peaches's insufferable antics:

She kept coming into our trailer all high and mighty nicking all our food. We were pissed off with her for that, but then she started taking the piss singing our song ‘Away From Here’ and that was that. ... I told her to fuck off, that she was a nobody and should stop acting like a slag all the time. She muttered something like don’t talk to me like that, but I didn’t give a shit and booted her out. ... If someone talks to me like a cunt, then I treat them like one. And that Peaches nobody is exactly that. ... She’s a rich posh kid who’s just the daughter of Bob Geldof. Most bands couldn’t give a fuck about her. Just what is the point of her being backstage? It’s really embarrassing. Just who is she exactly?

There's nothing like a profanity-laced Brit tirade, is there? Just imagine all of that in a thick accent with a bit of druggy slur - music to the ears.

And by the way, Peaches - that dude's got you pegged. You are nothing but a useless slag. You wouldn't think so highly of yourself if you had been taught decently by an engaged parent. But your daddy Bob doesn't give a fuck about you - so he let you run around doing anything you pleased. And the result? You are an insufferable little twat like him.

(source)

Peaches Hippie Girl

Peaches Geldof opts for hippie-hair and rubber boots at the Glastonbury Music Festival. She's lame, but the guy she's talking to appears delish. And Crabbie's got a pair of boots just like that. He'd be happy to take a picture of himself wearing them - and nothing else - and send it to Peaches's friend.

Peaches Lays Into Paris

Peaches Geldof rocks. Seriously - she is the coolest chick on the face of the earth (with the possible exception of Cory Kennedy). Kelly Osbourne tries really hard to be the smart-aleck rock star daughter, but she's a fake - Peaches is the real deal. She'll say anything about anyone at any time. Like Paris Hilton. Peaches doesn't really care for Paris. And she really doesn't care for being compared to Paris:

Paris is thick and sometimes looks like a transvestite, even though she’s better looking than me. Also, she’s a socialite and I’m not.

Ha ha - Peaches called Paris a transvestite. I love this broad.

(source)

Peaches Dissed By Smelly Rocker

When you're a Geldof girl, you're used to getting what you want. It doesn't matter what it is - clothes, drugs, a man; you kick and scream enough and you always get your way. So, it must've come as something of a shock to Peaches Geldof, 17-year-old daughter of Bob, to be rebuffed by the man she sought to hang with at last night's Shockwaves NME Awards.

That object of Peaches's desire was none other than Donny Tourette of the band Towers of London. Reportedly, Peaches was heard outside a restroom at the Hammersmith Palais, site of the awards, screaming to a friend that she had to have Donny before the night was over. To Peaches's great delight, Donny did begin showing her some attention, prompting her to ditch her date for the evening, Fred Les. But, Peaches would not be in Donny's company when the show came to an end. That privilege would go to a pair of ladies - an unnamed one, and, to Peaches's great dismay, her very own 15-year-old sister Pixie.

Peaches dissed in favor of Pixie? Damn, poor Peaches - it must suck to be washed-up at 17. But, that's how it goes in the ultra-competitive world of adolescent skankery. There's always a younger, more eager ho ready to step in there and take your men away. Of course, for that ho to be your own sister, whom you mentored so lovingly in the ways of sluttiness - that has to sting. I hope poor Peaches gets over this humiliation soon. We wouldn't want to see her give up such a promising career as a waste of oxygen over such a small set-back.

Peaches Gives It To Madonna

I can't get enough of Peaches Geldof. This chick totally rocks. Every time she opens her mouth, something incredibly brilliant comes out of it. She is truly a leading light of her generation - especially when she's trashing people of previous generations, who, just because they've become old, are no longer relevant. Like Madonna, whom Peaches went off on after the aged star was named Style Icon (some kind of lifetime achievement deal) at yesterday's Elle Style Awards (an honor Madonna was not present to accept, by the way). Quoth Peaches:

In the Eighties Madonna was a style icon but now she's rehashing everything that's been done already. ... I am definitely not a fan - she looks like mutton dressed as lamb. She is just not relevant now. She's up there on a pedestal and that's why people are honouring her, but it's not right.

I couldn't agree with Peaches more. Madonna is definitely over. And it's about time someone had the nerve to come out and say it. I mean, how long are we going to have to go on kowtowing to the wrinkled hag? At some point, we have to pass the torch to the new generation, and put the has-beens out to pasture where they belong. According to Peaches, there are plenty of young style mavens capable of taking up Madonna's mantle. Mischa Barton and Chloe Sevigny, for instance. Says Peaches of them:

They're the real people we should be celebrating tonight. They are the people that young girls look at today and they really influence us - not like Madonna. Elle Style need to step it up and choose someone more relevant next year.

Again, Peaches is right on the money. I mean, just look at the amazing contributions Mischa and Chloe have already made:


These girls ooze style. In fact, if I had a daughter, I would want them to be just like Mischa and Chloe. And Peaches, whose wisdom is sorely needed in these troubling times.

Crabbie's New Favorite: Peaches Geldof

There's nothing like a young, drunken, over-privileged skank with diarrhea of the mouth. They are just so damn entertaining. So full of bullshit, and so lacking in anything resembling restraint, or even a basic sense of decorum.

These broads will do or say just about anything at any moment for any reason, and that's why we love them. They make the world so much more interesting. Yes, it's true, not one of them has anything of actual value to contribute, either through word or deed. But that's just the point - it's their sheer worthlessness that makes them so marvelous.

It's hard to imagine anyone being more irrelevant than Peaches Geldof, the daughter of famed British humanitarian Bob Geldof. But irrelevance is what it's all about. And saying silly things that no one cares about, and being catty, and engaging in the sort of antics that used to get people put in the looney bin.

Peaches, a young woman whose very appearance screams "dipshit," has seen fit to inject herself into the discussion about Poshy Beckham and her dubious fashion sense. Why? Cause Peaches felt like it. And she's famous so people tend to record or write down whatever she says without bothering to wonder whether anyone cares. Here's what Peaches had to say about Poshy:

She [Poshy] dresses really badly - it's too scary. It looks like she makes such an effort, it's embarrassing. ... You have to be free with the way you look. She tries too hard to be "fashion." ... And the fact that she's too skinny... that's also scary.

I couldn't have said it better myself, Peaches. We'll be looking out for more of your fashion critiques.