Damage Control, Big Time

Jon Gosselin must feel like he's losing the image war with Kate. That would explain why, on Tuesday, he visited cancer kids at a hospital in New York.

Must've been a real thrill for those poor cancer-stricken little wretches, seeing Jon Gosselin walk in. "Hey kids look, it's the guy on TV with all the healthy kids who get to run around and eat junk food and live past 13 unless their mom goes crazy and poisons them all!"

I don't know about you, but if I were a cancer kid, and the hospital people told me we were getting a special visitor, and I lay awake all night thinking I was going to meet Johnny Depp or Derek Jeter, and then the moment came and Jon Gosselin strolled through the door? I'd feel a tiny bit gypped.

Of course it could've been worse. It could've been Heidi and Spencer.

Perez Hilton Is A Liar

The truth is coming out about Perez Hilton's alleged scrum with Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas. First of all, it turns out Will.I.Am wasn't the one who punched Perez - it was the Black Eyed Peas' general manager Polo Molina, who frankly looks like the kind of person who would punch a homosexual in the face at a hotel in Toronto in the middle of a night. Molina has already turned himself in to the police, who have charged him with assault. Meanwhile, Perez continues running around playing the victim, even posting a tearful, over-acted video on his site.

I would love to buy into Perez's righteous indignation and appeal for non-violence on behalf of himself and all the oppressed masses of the earth (including, I'm assuming, the Iran protesters) but I can't because, well, he lied. He said in his tweets that Will.I.Am punched him, but Will.I.Am didn't punch him, someone in Will.I.Am's posse punched him. Clearly, Perez wanted to play his misfortune for publicity, and thought tweeting "Will.I.Am punched me" would have more impact than "Will.I.Am's thuggish general manager punched me." Will.I.Am should sue Perez for defamation.

Actually, my favorite outcome for this would be for Will.I.Am and Perez to get locked inside Spencer and Heidi's torture hut for a few days, but I never get my wishes, especially when they involve people I hate dying. God hates me. But not as much as He hates Perez's face.

Maybe Al Roker Should Moderate Presidential Debates From Now On

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Forget about Brian Williams, Charlie Gibson, David Gregory and all those other allegedly hard-hitting journalists: Al Roker is the only guy with the cojones to really take on the big newsmakers of the day. He proved that on the Today Show this morning by totally frying Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag. Those two frauds thought they were going to sit there and get softballs lobbed at them, but instead, Big Al came at them like a freight train. And all Heidi and Spencer could do was stand there like a couple of winos frozen on the tracks.

It was such a horrible grilling that, afterward, Montag even suggested she felt physically threatened. "I was shocked at how rude he was - I was crying afterwards because I couldn't believe I felt personally attacked," the dumb bitch told that other dumb bitch Ryan Seacrest. "I wanted to say to him, do you feel proud of how you're talking to me right now? I'm just a young woman and you're coming at me so aggressively and meanly and mean-spirited. I really would advise women especially to be careful around him because I feel like he definitely came and attacked me and I did not appreciate that at all."

Oh please Heidi...the only things that need to feel threatened around Al Roker are pastries. If you're a bearclaw and you see Al coming, might as well kiss your tasty ass goodbye. What Al did to you was not abusive or in the least bit out-of-line, but was simply a matter of course. You and that douchebag husband of yours spend your lives spreading bullshit around; okay, so, now someone called you on your bullshit. It will happen from time-to-time. If you don't like it, then stay out of the fucking spotlight. Seriously bitch, if you can't handle a little hammering from Al Roker, what the hell can you handle?

Lying Scumsuckers

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are lying about being tortured by producers of the NBC show I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here, according to people on the set.

"Any accusations that Spencer and Heidi were harmed are untrue," said a source. The idiot couple had been claiming they were kept in a small, locked room without food or water for several days, and that Heidi developed an ulcer as a result of this ill-treatment. Sources say they were actually locked away for something like 14 hours, all as part of the show, and that they were provided with rations.

Spencer and Heidi are now going to sue NBC for abusing them. I really hope the NBC people have learned a lesson from all this, namely, don't go into business with scummy people like Spencer Pratt. Clearly, Spencer has been playing this thing for his and his revolting wife's own publicity purposes from the beginning, with the whole leaving and returning charade, and now this farce.

It's all quite sickening, but something good can still come out of it: if corporate assholes band together to blacklist Spencer and Heidi, ensuring they will never have a major media outlet for their nonsense again. I want to see them reduced to producing YouTube videos. I am not optimistic.

Is It Okay To Pray For Someone To Die?

When news broke Saturday night that Heidi Montag had come down with some kind of infection on location with I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here and been rushed to a Costa Rican hospital, I'm sure I was not the only one whose first thought was, "Die bitch die!" And then of course I felt remorseful. Not at wishing Heidi Montag dead, but at insulting bitches. What did bitches ever do to me that I should lump them in with Heidi Montag? I apologize to bitches everywhere.

Of course, in the world of reality TV whores, nothing is ever allowed to be what it actually is, but must be embellished and misrepresented until it no longer resembles anything that could credibly be compared to "reality." Such is the case with Ms. Montag's apparent illness. Within minutes of the news coming out, Montag's sister-in-law Stephanie Pratt was on Twitter making outlandish claims against NBC, the network responsible for the abortion known as I Am a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here (should be called You're a Fake Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here). Pratt tweeted:

Im really saddened to hear that nbc felt it was ok to punish speidi so harshly-and torture them as if they were criminals-that Heidi was...

Rushed to the hospital and has an IV in her arm after being locked in a dark room for 3 days w no food or water. Pls pray she will be ok

In case you haven't been following the Spencer/Heidi v. NBC saga - and if you're lucky, you haven't - the two reality whores made an idiot spectacle of themselves last week by walking off I'm a Celebrity, then agreeing to return to the show. If you've never seen the show, it involves Z-listers sitting around in the jungle pretending they're suffering; it's like Survivor, only infinitely stupider and less compelling.

Just why NBC would risk massive legal fallout by locking a woman in a room for three days with no food and water is something Ms. Pratt fails to address on Twitter. I'm guessing that allegation is a gross distortion, or possibly even a complete fabrication. I'm sure we'll presently get clarification on it from Spencer. He was probably working on his statement all Saturday, even before Montag's alleged health emergency. He fancies himself some kind of master media manipulator, hence the fake drama about quitting the show, and hence this little no-doubt manufactured episode.

Heidi, I'm sad to say, is probably fine, was probably never sick. Well, not sick in body, anyway.