Smiling Tara

Tara Reid is happy...happy she's not Mischa Barton. We all need someone to look down on.

Kanye Off The Hook

If Kanye West were female and talentless, he would be Mischa Barton or Lindsay Lohan. But because Kanye is male and a genius, his meltdown comes with awesomely bizarre short films.

It's official: The Taylor Swift thing was a cry for help.

All Fixed Up

Mischa Barton is not sweating the cancellation of her show The Beautiful Life. You know why? Because she is really high on drugs. If someone didn't come around and dress her and put her in the limo and point her to the red carpet, she would be completely fucked.

Who Was The Matchmaker? Satan?

I go to sleep all innocent as a lamb then wake up to discover that Russell Brand is chasing Katy Perry all over Europe. Now I may never sleep again!

No, it's not a joke - Brand says he is in love with Perry and has even sent her a love poem. The Daily Mail says Katy replied to the poem with a photograph of her tits that had the word "poem" written on it.

Because she couldn't think of a poem, you see? Because she is stupid. Because every time she is lost for words she resorts to showing her tits. Which is all the time.

And why am I so disturbed by this? Because Russell Brand and Katy Perry are the two most insufferable people in the world and the thought of them together is almost more than I can take. I would sooner have Mischa Barton hook up with Michael Lohan. I would rather endure the thought of Maggie Gyllenhaal fucking Mike Huckabee.

Sarah Palin and Carrie Prejean double-teaming Glenn Beck (he wishes) would be less irritating than Brand putting his brand on that brainless cow Perry. Ugh, I'm going to be sick.

This Could Finish Her

The CW has canceled Mischa Barton's show The Beautiful Life after two episodes. Evidently, no one wanted to watch a show about New York models executive produced by Ashton Kutcher. It might've done better without Mischa who is a worse jinx than Lindsay Lohan.

I'm sure Mischa will land on her feet after this. She's the resilient sort. Not at all the type to go into a huge tailspin and wind up selling embryos for crack.

Couldn't Have Happened To A Nicer Rabid Midget

No, it's not Peaches Geldof or a 50-year-old gym teacher reliving her '80s Madonna phase - it's Avril Lavigne.

And I thought Mischa Barton was the only useless celebutwat afflicted with occasional bouts of inexplicable bloat.

Dear Avril: Rolling around on the carpet isn't great for your hair. Drinking isn't great for your skin, body or disposition.

I am so tickled right now, I can't even say. I sincerely hope this is the beginning of a long, painful meltdown, ending in premature, agonizing death.

Still Alive

Mischa Barton is still alive, and that freaky facial bloating seems to have eased off. But now Mischa has acquired a creepy stare. If that ain't the face of someone who's on the edge, I don't know what is.

Not Okay

Mischa Barton is jealous of Helena Bonham Carter's cottage cheese thighs. Cottage cheese? Try turkey wattle.

All Fixed Up

Mischa looks much better. And all it took was an army of Hollywood make-up, hair and wardrobe people. The dog is trained to bark loudly if Mischa tries to enter a bar, dark alley or crackhouse.

She Look Okay To You?

Everyone keeps telling us that Mischa Barton is okay. But I don't think Mischa Barton is okay. I think Mischa Barton is heading for a flameout the likes of which we've not seen since Anna Nicole Smith. I think Mischa has climbed on the Crazy Train and doesn't want to get off. I think Mischa will be a corpse by this time next year.

Still Not Right

They let Mischa Barton out of the hospital, but clearly, she is still not all right. She's still bloated-looking, which is odd for an anorexic. Now she's supposedly going back to work on her TV show? Wow. I had no idea she'd scored an actual acting gig. Yet she still tried to kill herself? Girl's a human Tunguska event.

WTF Mischa?

No that is not Peaches Geldof on the right...it is Mischa Barton. Something has gone horribly wrong with her lately...I mean wronger than things are usually going for her, which is pretty wrong.

Mischa claims that her bloated face is the result of having a wisdom tooth yanked out. Yeah okay but what about the hat and the make-up? Since when does dental work turn you into a droog? Start planning the memorial service.

It Worked For Lohan...

If Mischa Barton thinks she can make herself relevant by going lesbo...sorry honey, but forget it. Nothing could ever make you relevant. Besides, it's pretty obvious by the closed-mouth kiss that you ain't into chicks. It's dick all the way for you.

Barely Holding It Together

I'm very concerned about Mischa Barton. No, really. This is not a bit. This girl is in very serious trouble and someone needs to help her. If you're reading this and you know Mischa...get in touch with her family or something, okay? Someone needs to get to her before she hurts herself. This is not a joke! We have to save Mischa before...eh, fuck it.

Lock Up The Sharp Objects

Mischa Barton is looking depressed again. I smell suicide attempt. Oh Mischa, it's all just a cry for help. By the way whatever happened to your cute little sister with the really bad pill problem? What the hell was her name again? Hania? It's tough being a Barton.

Just When You Thought Mischa Barton Couldn't Get Anymore Tedious...

No one gives a shit about Mischa Barton but that isn't stopping the bitch from blogging about herself. The sneaker pitchwoman and frequent suicide hotline caller revealed in one of her recent posts that she's been in India and has been learning to play the sitar. Bitch said:

So guys India has been amazing. A little frenetic, as they do things a little different here! So it's been tough with the long shoot days to check in much! But the people are amazing, so eager to please and I've learned so much from them.

I've been having an amazing spiritual exploration visiting Hindu temples and learning about Buddhism, both beautiful religions. Hyderabad where we're filming is a real inspiration in the fact that Christians, Muslims and Hindus all get along so harmoniously. I must admit I used to make fun of people who were all into yoga and chai tea thinking it was another ridiculous health fad. But now I'm that person! First of all Masala Chai tea, the traditional way with milk and sugar is delicious, and this is coming from a brit who only likes my breakfast tea!

I must say my goal coming here was to learn to play the sitar and it's coming along real slow as apparently it's not that easy to procure a great sitar teacher here, I guess it not late 60's with Ravi Shankar and George Harrison roaming around unfortunately!!!!

Goa was my christmas break, and it was stunning, I actually went to South Goa (which isn't the party side of town) thats the North bit, but I'll post tons of footage for you guys out there. If only technology didn't hate me and I was decent with electronics! But I went parasailing, jet skiing and swimming in the ocean for ages every day. The colors, fabrics, food will blow your mind....so stay tuned to see me on my vacation and what I got up to.

I've always been grateful I wasn't young in the sixties, because I never had to pretend to give a shit about sitar music, the most mind-numbingly boring form of music this side of the noises you hear when you have tinnitus. You have to be completely bombed out of your mind on drugs to even endure sitar music. Shit just goes on and on forever and it's the same god damn thing over and over...kind of like Mischa Barton's life, actually. Hmm...now I know why she's so keen on it.

Camilla Belle is a Nasty Slut

New reports say Twilight star Robert Pattinson is dating obscure actress Camilla Belle. Yes, that would be the same Camilla Belle who, five minutes ago, was fucking Joe Jonas. There were even pictures of Camilla and Joe in Mexico. There were reports that Joe had broken Taylor Swift's heart by choosing Camilla over her. And now? Camilla thinks Joe is yesterday's news and has moved on to Robert. Yeah - what a fucking headline-whore. Whichever little sub-25 hot piece of male-tail is most in the news, that's who Camilla is all over. Not that she's the first little tart to ever fuck for press run, but damn...she's taking it to a whole new slutty, shameless level. Even Mischa Barton isn't this bad.

Starlet Relapse Part 1, The Mild Version

This picture of Mischa Barton trying to exit a store with a case of Bud Light wouldn't be so bad if not for that little guilty look on her face. Yes, it's fine - it's only a case of Bud Light. She's just having a little party. People can have those if they want, even starlets who've been to rehab after getting nailed for DUI. It's not like she was going to drink the whole case herself. Still, why the guilty look Mischa? My God - you were going to drink the whole thing yourself.

Match Made in Heaven

Mischa Barton and Josh Hartnett allegedly hooked up after running into each other at London's Bungalow 8 club last night. "The OC star spent a good hour writhing in front of Josh at the bar...and must have made an impression as they both headed back to his hotel at the end of the night," says The Daily Mail. Mischa held her piss for an hour so she could let go in Josh's face. She's cool like that. These two are perfect for each other if you ask me. Neither of them is the least bit interesting and neither has done anything worthwhile as an actor. They should get married and have lots of boring, untalented babies.

She Had a Boyfriend?

Mischa Barton has broken up with her boyfriend Taylor Locke, the guitarist from the band Rooney. "It just didn't work out," a source explained. Didn't work out for Locke, who got sick of his friends making fun of him for going out with Mischa Barton.