Maggie the Cat?

Rumors are circulating that Maggie Gyllenhaal will be brought back for Batman 3 as Catwoman (those who've seen Dark Knight realize the twist this represents). The rumor is based on a report that both Maggie and Aaron Eckhart signed for two Batman films, meaning each would return for the third installment (Eckhart's return would also require some serious 'splaining). Maggie, if the rumor is true, would usurp Angelina Jolie, whom the fanboys apparently favor as the next Catwoman. I still like Amy Winehouse for the part but the chances of getting insurance on her are pretty much nil. Maybe Shia could do it? An eight-fingered drag-queen Catwoman...it would be different anyway.

Dark Knight Premiere

The Dark Knight is being rolled out with all the usual ceremony. How nice of Maggie to lower herself and hang out with mere actors for a little while. We all know she prefers the company of other academics like herself (snigger). Aaron Eckhart needs to be tied up in my closet now! Bale? Too spooky and intense. Plus his teeth annoy me.

Jason Lewis Denies Knowing Jennifer Aniston

Contrary to rumor, Jason Lewis is not fucking Jennifer Aniston. And this is coming directly from Jason Lewis, who says he has never even met Jennifer.

"That's a big rumour," Lewis says. "I imagine she's a lovely woman. I never met her.

"[The rumor source is] probably one of my friends crank-calling somebody."

No Jason - the rumor source is Jennifer. She called some friend of hers at some magazine and had them start it. But now you've debunked it, so she'll have to start a new rumor about someone else.

Oh wait, she already has - Aaron Eckhart. Sure Jen, you're screwing him now. And next you'll be riding Viggo Mortensen. This woman is a pathetic pathological liar who will never get over being dumped by Brad. She will wind up as some sad old nursing-home lady in a threadbare sweater who spends her days playing checkers with herself.