He Done Warned You

Somebody took Kanye's picture again. Don't they know he doesn't like that?

There need to be signs erected wherever Kanye is: Do not take Kanye's picture. Like, "Do not feed the animals," or, "Do not give Andy Dick liquor." I'm trying to make the world a safer place here.

Confused Young Man

Chris Brown has flip-flopped on his remark to Larry King that he didn't remember beating the hell out of Rihanna.

"There have been reports on the Internet that I didn't remember what happened that night with Rihanna," Brown says in a new statement. "I want to try and set things straight.

"That 30 seconds of the interview they used of me was taken from a one hour interview during which that same question was asked something like four or five times -- and when you look at the entire interview you will see it is not representative of what I said.

"The first four times – or how ever many times it was - I gave the same answer -- which was that I didn't think it was appropriate for me to talk about what happened that night. I said it was not right for me and it really wasn't fair to Rihanna. The fifth time – or whatever it was – I just misspoke. I was asked, 'Do you remember doing it?' and I said, 'No.'

"Of course I remember what happened. Several times during the interview, my mother said that I came to her right afterwards and told her everything. But it was and still is a blur. And yes, I still can't believe it happened because it is not me or who I am or is what happened like anything I have ever done before."

Oh, why don't you admit it Chris - you fell into a psychotic rage and totally blacked out. That's why you don't remember. Hey, it happens to all of us. Next time, just try not to beat up someone famous and female. Find a stray dog or a homeless guy. Or Andy Dick.

It Might Really Be Over This Time

Sean Penn and Robin Wright are once again divorcing. Reports say Robin filed papers on August 12, stating that both parties have already agreed on custody issues and division of property.

Now all that remains is the drunken 3 AM reconciliation scene, followed immediately by Sean going off to celebrate said reconciliation by getting drunk and nailing a couple of hos.

These two treat marriage like Andy Dick treats crack.

Worst Jobs In The World

1. Janitor
2. Trapeze operator at Amy Winehouse's favorite trapeze place
3. Andy Dick's agent

He Thinks It's Johnny Cash

"Hey look everybody - it's that old white guy who did the song about prison and fucked the chick with the autoharp. I knew you were dead but I didn't know you looked like shit. Would you like some of the vodka I endorse? It's made from grapes. Also, would you please suck my big black dick? It hasn't been sucked in five whole minutes and it's starting to feel lonely. You know you should really do something about that smell. I been around plenty of dead people in my day, most of them people I made dead myself, and you stink worse than all of them put together plus Andy Dick's ballsack plus Tom Cruise's dick after it came out of Will Smith's ass plus Courtney Love's cunt-juice plus Tupac after I dug him up and gave him a couple more pops just for kicks."

Cry Me A River, Bitch

Oh no! Angelina Jolie has jet-lag from flying all over the world on her vital missions of publicity mercy! "I woke up at 3 in the morning with four kids with jet lag and two babies," Jolie sobbed after a recent appearance. "I put myself together for a few hours and go out. And then I go home. This is my job." Oh, so it's your "job" to accumulate kids like Andy Dick rings up misdemeanor charges. Gosh Angie, you're so committed. A round of applause for Angie the most dedicated, caring individual in the world. I'm starting to tear up here. By the way, Angie - have you seen Shiloh lately? Oh my God! She's probably being sold to a sex-slave ring even as we speak!
Somebody stake out Gary Glitter's place. And keep an eye on Donald Trump too - I don't trust that purse-lipped fucker.

Dick Out

Andy Dick has posted $5,000 bail and is out. The comedian was arrested yesterday after allegedly groping a 17-year-old girl and lifting her shirt. Someone needs to be a hero and accidentally on-purpose run this guy over with their truck or sic their pitbull on him or shove him off a cliff.

The Happiest Day in Human History?

Societal menace Andy Dick has finally been arrested. The alleged comedian was nailed by cops in the parking lot of a Buffalo Wild Wings in Murrieta, CA at 1:15 this morning after he allegedly groped a 17-year-old girl's breasts and pulled her top down. Police found pot and a Xanax in his possession after the arrest (check his rectum for the rest of it). The initial call was made after someone, probably Dick, caused a disturbance in the parking lot by urinating. He is being held on $5,000 bail, charged with drug possession and sexual battery.

What Dick did isn't enough to get him sent to the pen forever, but nevertheless, I am happy. I have been wishing for this day for many years and at last it has come. This is so many times better than Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie being sent to jail...those bitches are mere annoyances, but Andy Dick is so irritating he is actually destructive. I believe that Dick's very presence on earth has eroded our sanity to the point where we're about to go extinct. Hopefully, he will now do us all the favor of killing himself. Then the balance will be restored.

A Night Out With Andy Dick

Andy Dick and his "friend" fail to gain entry to Hyde, and so spend their evening staggering randomly about the city, accosting people and calling strange women whores.

Andy's "friend" finally gets fed up with the photogs and goes after them. Lots of shouting and threatening ensues but little in the way of actual manly violence.

And people wonder why I hate Andy Dick.

Andy Dick Snorts Coke

This is a picture of "comedian" Andy Dick snorting coke. I wonder what Andy is like when he's totally coked-up. Actually, I take that back - I wonder what he's like when he's not coked-up. Cause I honestly don't think I've ever seen him any other way.

Sacha Baron Cohen, Isla Fisher and Andy Dick In A Three-Way?

Sacha Baron Cohen is a funny man. He's also a tall man. And a British man. And when we look at him, we kind of get the sneaking suspicion that he's a man who likes it a little on the freaky side. How freaky, we can't say. Midget-porn freaky? Perhaps. Ten women wearing flowing robes and Bozo the Clown masks freaky? Maybe. Allowing Andy Dick to hop in the sack with him and his hot-blooded fiance Isla Fisher freaky? I would've said that was going a bit far. Until I read this story (under the heading "Threes Company").

All right, so there's no actual proof offered here. There's no tape of Andy Dick lubing up and giving it to Sacha in the ass while Sacha sticks his English sausage in saucy Isla. Thank God there's no tape of it. But there is rumor and speculation. Witnesses at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. say they saw Cohen, Fisher and Dick heading upstairs together after attending a pre-Golden Globes party. One person even says they were about to get in the elevator with them, but was "afraid to," and waited for the next car. Afraid to get in the elevator with them? Why? Was Andy already trying to get his tongue up Cohen's rectum? Can't that randy little son of a bitch even wait until they're in the room? And what about Isla? Is she really into this stuff, or is she just doing it for Sacha? And as for Sacha - that scene in Borat with Ken Davitian wasn't acting, was it? That was just a regular night for Sacha. Rolling around with a naked fat man. Hey, that sounds like a normal night for Crabbie. Except Crabbie would be the fat man. I wonder if Sacha would like to roll around...nah, never happen. He's too big now. Besides, I have a personal rule: If Andy Dick's been there, I ain't going.