Look Out Brad And Angie

Matthew McConaughey has knocked up his girlfriend Camila Alves for a second time, the actor announced on his website.

"We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father's Day that [will] make this time next year double the fun," Matthew wrote. "Levi is going to be a big brother... Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time, Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows.... just keep livin, Matthew and Camila."

Parking your dick in some broad's cooch and thinking about Lance Armstrong until you squirt is a great miracle?

Dear Sports-Loving Male Celebs...

Your women do not enjoy being dragged out to all these basketball games and baseball games and football games and hockey games and whatever the hell else. They only pretend to enjoy it because, well, they like having access to your money. But trust me...each time you haul them out to some asinine athletic exhibition, a little part of their soul dies, just like when you hear a Michael Bolton song or catch a few minutes of an Adam Sandler movie by accident.

Hetero Training

Matthew and Camila took little baby Whatever to his/her first football game. What's next? First tractor-pull? First animal murdering expedition? First bar fight? Love you smelly white heteros. Where would the world be without you? A lot quieter and less reeking of petroleum products.

Buff

Wow...Matthew got his body back fast after the baby, didn't he? Dude's a freak of nature.

Matthew Sells Out

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves have sold pictures of their darling baby Levi to OK! Magazine for $3 million. There are two problems with this. One: $3 million for McConaughey's baby pictures? What the fuck? And, Two: OK! Magazine? Matthew, how lame are you?

No, I'm not the only one who thinks Matthew selling out to OK! is bad for his image...his own publicist Alan Nierob reportedly begged him not to make the deal. Not "advised" him, mind you..."begged" him.

Nierob knows what's what...if you're going to sell baby pictures you sell them to People. If you can't make that deal, you sell them to Us. And if you can't get Us to buy them, you don't bother selling them. Whatever money you might get from OK! is not worth the blow to your reputation. OK! is where Jamie Lynn Spears sells her baby pictures. Matthew McConaughey is supposed to be a big star...but selling out to OK! makes him look bush league.

Never mind the fact that selling baby pictures is vile to begin with.

Biblical Matthew

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves have named their son Levi. Not Wrangler? Toughskin?

Matthew explains the derivation of the name:

Levi was another name for the apostle Matthew in The Bible. They were, in fact, two names for the same person. Our son was born at 6:22 pm, and this particular time represents my favourite verse in the book of Matthew in The Bible: "If thy eye be single, thy whole body will be full of light."

Yeah, okay, whatever you say. More like, "If thy bong be present, thy whole body will be full of stonedness." Shouldn't it be "thine?" I don't do the Bible-speak.

McConaughey is a Dad

Matthew McConaughey's current fuck Camila Alves gave birth Monday night to a son. The kid was born in L.A. (not on a beach in Costa Rica with the bongos playing and the reefer reefing?) and weighed 7 lbs., 4 oz..

Sorry Matthew, but your kid came too fast after Nicole Kidman's. She's much bigger than you to begin with, and then you timed it bad. And everyone's still waiting for Angelina. You got totally overshadowed. And when will you be dumping Camilla?

Camila Alves Hasn't Kicked Matthew McConaughey Out Yet

Matthew McConaughey and Camila Alves are apparently still together, even after reports of Matthew's insane weekend in Nicaragua where he tried to hit on every woman in the entire country (even the old ones with the long saggy tits). This relationship has no chance - Matthew is totally going to Tom Brady Camila. Is he starting to get a paunch?

Matthew McConaughey's Nicaraguan Crazy Attack

Bongo-playing apeman Matthew McConaughey has a baby on the way with Camila Alves, and is supposed to be winding his wild-man days down in anticipation of a life of domestic bliss. Unfortunately, Matthew doesn't seem to have gotten that particular memo.

Matthew showed just how unprepared he is to take on the responsibilities of non-insane adulthood by reportedly going on a crazy drunken spree in San Juan Del Sur, Nicaragua. Witnesses say McConaughey, who was in the country for a surfing trip, spent two straight nights at the The Iguana Bar swilling booze and hitting on everything with tits.

"He was so drunk he did stuff only a drunk guy would do," one witness reported. "He was acting like an 18 year old."

The first night, Matthew reportedly staggered out of the tavern and passed out in a ditch. The second night, he had to be carried out by some of his fellow bar-goers.

One victim of Matthew's amorous advances, a chick named Amber, tells of the lunacy that ensued when the actor misplaced his footwear.

"He stood on a table, screaming in drunk, broken Spanish, 'I've lost my flip-flops.'"

One woman tried taking a picture of him while he was on the table, and he grabbed her camera and tried to break it.

Apparently, Matthew was unsuccessful in getting any of the Iguana Bar's classy female patrons to fall for his charms.

"He was dancing with a ton of women but he was too drunk to go home with any of them," a witness said.

McConaughey's antics ultimately left a negative impression on many who witnessed them.

"He was on his own, which impressed everyone at first, but the guy drank everything and by the time he was carried out on Saturday night, everyone had lost respect for him," said one of the locals.

Sounds like someone's suffering a little pre-baby anxiety. I'm sure this will go down well with Camila Alves when she hears about it. I personally couldn't be more tickled. Matthew McConaughey remains the male Tara Reid...always and forever!