Peekaboo, I Wish I Didn't See You

The name "Queen Latifah" on a movie pretty much guarantees that it's going to suck. She is to today's Hollywood what Demi Moore was to Hollywood of the '90s. She is what Sandy Dennis was back in the day. She is the female Steve Guttenberg.

Family Night Out

Fashion innovator Rumer Willis took some crumpled old aluminum foil from under the stove burners and fashioned a dress out of it. Then she dyed her hair with carrot juice and went out with mommy and step-daddy to get their picture taken. Rumer likes getting her picture taken, even though she is a butt-ugly freak. I guess she figures if she gets her picture taken 1,000,000 times, she's got to look good in one of the fuckers.

Move Over Madonna Bush Picture, Here Comes Demi Moore Bush Picture

Hey everybody who's been Googling "Demi Moore Bush Picture" at the behest of that TV idiot. Welcome to Crabbie's Hollywood. Look around a bit, see if there's something you like. Hope you enjoy your stay. Don't forget to bookmark me. Tell all your friends. Have a good weekend!

Old Lesbian

Robert Redford - you were once hot, now you look like an old lesbian. Demi would probably still fuck you though, for the history if nothing else. Maybe if you made some kind of, what's the term I'm looking for, indecent proposal?

Among The Lifted?

Page 6 dropped this blind item today:

Which still-sexy actress, who has a daughter now getting ingenue roles, is facing reality? She finally had her first face-lift last week.

Let's hope Demi didn't go to the same person who did Nicole Kidman. Scary scary stuff.

Ashton Goes Older

Demi Moore wasn't old enough for Ashton Kutcher...he's traded her in for semi-fossilized political hustler Arianna Huffington. It was Ashton's lifelong dream to fuck someone who'd been fucked by Marshal Tito.

Rumer Willis, the Eye's Mortal Enemy, Will Now Begin Her Assault on the Ear

It isn't enough for Rumer Willis to punish our eyes with her hideous deformed looks...now the stupid bitch wants to assault our ears too, by launching a music career.

Music industry insiders are reportedly interested in Rumer after hearing a tape of her singing along with Dusty Springfield while prepping for a photoshoot.

"She can definitely hold a good tune — keep in mind her mother, Demi, has a sultry, raspy voice, and father, Bruce, likens himself as being a blues artist," one insider said. "With the right production and material, she could put out something solid and already people are talking."

That's ironclad logic right there: Her mom has a raspy speaking voice and her father is a white guy who plays fake blues, so she must be a great singer.

Now we know how Scarlett Johansson got a record deal.

Do I need to whip out the Feist video again to remind these assholes what real music sounds like? No more dumb-ass celebs with their little vanity projects. If you want to find singers, go to some clubs and sign some. Then get them some decent material, put some money behind promoting them and watch their careers take off.

Honestly, this thing in the music industry of trying to make pop-stars out of established names...it's so fucking gutless. In this de-nutted climate, the Beatles never would've gotten out of those leathery dive bars in Hamburg.

Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher Bury the Hatchet (Not in Each Other's Heads)

What the hell...I thought Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher were feuding. Cameron was mad because Kutcher let slip that she was getting medical attention in the wake of her father's untimely death. Guess they patched things up.

Oh wait...they're promoting a movie. So it's a fake, studio-enforced burying of the hatchet. As soon as they're no longer required to pretend to like each other, Cameron will go back to wanting to deep-fry Ashton's balls.

She'll have to get them from Demi first. Actually, I think Demi has one and Rumer now has the other.

Demi Moore Uses Leeches to Detoxify

Demi Moore told David Letterman last night that her health regimen includes periodic trips to Austria to undergo "leech detoxification therapy," a technique that literally uses leeches to mysteriously cleanse the blood. Demi talks about this nonsense at about 3:35 of the above video. A transcript of her attempted explanation:

I’m always…looking for the cutting edge on things that are for optimizing health and healing. Just a week ago I was in Austria doing a cleanse and part of the treatments was leech therapy. These aren’t just like swamp leeches, we’re talking about highly trained medical leeches…

[Thousands of year ago] bleeding was a very common thing… it detoxifies your blood and they have a little enzyme that when they’re biting down gets released into your blood, and generally you bleed for quite a bit, and your health is optimized. It detoxifies the blood. I’m feeling very detoxified right now.

Um, Demi dear...how do the leeches detoxify your blood if they're sucking it all out? Do the "therapists" then take the cleansed blood from the leeches and inject it back into you?

Yes, Demi, clearly the medieval quack surgeons were onto something when they bled people to remove the bad humors. All the folks who died from being over-bled by those butchers...that was just an unfortunate side-effect. You know, like the occasional blindness that can come from using Viagra.

Demi ain't the brightest bulb in the strand, folks.

Ashton Kutcher And Bruce Willis Like Each Other Too Much

I used to think it was cute the way Ashton Kutcher and Bruce Willis got along so well despite the fact that Ashton was fucking Bruce's ex. But now I don't know. It's starting to creep me out a little. I think there's more going on here than we know about. Like, Demi and the kids are not the real reason Bruce keeps hanging around.

"Hey Ash, wanna go to a ballgame?"

"I don't know Bruce. It's not going to end up with more butt-sex in the restroom is it?"

"No. I swear. I only want a hand-job this time."

"Okay, cool. Cause I got a rash the last time, and explaining that shit to Demi..."

"I hear you man. Let's go."

"I'll get my mitt!"

"Heh-heh..."

The Three Fugskateers

Oh look, it's Maggie, Hilary and Demi all hanging out together at Fashion Week. Notice that Hilary and Demi interact while Maggie just sits there glowing with self-satisfaction. Oh she's so trendy and with-it. And braless. Nice saggy tits Maggie - fresh from being sucked on by your little brat I'll bet. Jesus, I can't decide what's more revolting - her circus freak burn victim face or her drooping National Geographic Special boobs. I never thought I'd see a picture where Hilary Swank actually appeared attractive, but compared to that wildebeest Maggie, she looks like fucking Greta Garbo.

Demi And Ashton Hit Posh/Becks Party

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher attend the party for David and Victoria Beckham. This picture is boring, except for the workers in the background, whose expressions I found kind of funny:



This guy's thinking, "I'm the same age as Ashton Kutcher. I have the same amount of talent he does. And here I stand in my little vest and tie while he walks into a star-studded gala on the arm of Demi Moore. And my mom said I could be anything I wanted. Lying bitch..."



"Wow, Ashton Kutcher. He is so hot. I wonder if he likes sweaty dudes who look like Tobey Maguire's retarded little brother..."



"I never should've eaten that cheese with the little green spot on it. Oh damn it..."

Demi Shows Boob

Gratuitous attention-grabbing displays are not only for the young. Way to go Demi - you almost made it look accidental.

One Big Happy Wack Family

Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher and Tallulah Belle Willis attend the premiere of Demi's new movie Mr. Brooks. Tallulah Belle? I wouldn't blame little Tallulah one bit if she crept into Demi's room some night and blew the bitch's head off. "That's for naming me Tallulah. And that's for Striptease. And that's for St. Elmo's Fire you fucking hag."

By the way, caught a preview of Mr. Brooks on the tube. Kevin Costner as some kind of mad-dog killer? Oh yeah, he really projects menace. I've seen crippled schnauzers that were more terrifying than this bald old fuck.

Bruce, Demi And Ashton Like To Hang Out

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore are not like a lot of divorced couples - they actually still dig hanging out together. Witness this photograph of Demi and current hubby Ashton Kutcher getting cuddlesome on a boat while Bruce amuses himself trying to snag a fish. The scene took place while Bruce, Demi, Ashton and their shared kids Rumer, Scout and Tallulah were vacationing at Bruce's home in the Turks and Caicos Islands. Oh, and famed photographer Annie Leibovitz happened to be there too - hence the staged-looking picture. But, though the picture may have been staged, there's nothing fake about the warm relationship Bruce still has with Demi. Said Bruce to Vanity Fair:

It's hard to understand, but we go on holidays together. We still raise our kids together - we still have that bond. ... Demi is the mother of my children and Ashton is the stepfather of my children. I'm thrilled that Ashton turned out to be such a great guy. ... I love Demi, and I know she loves me.

There, kids, is a man who's secure in himself. And, frankly, given all the shit that goes on between divorced people - most of which ends up wrecking their kids' lives - it's refreshing to see a former couple like Bruce and Demi actually acting like grown-ups, and putting their differences behind them for the sake of the younguns.

(I do think they need to have a chat with Rumer about the clubbing, though. This chick is going to become the Chinzilla version of Lindsay Lohan soon.)

(source)

Ashton, Demi And Bruce - Together At Last

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore and Bruce Willis pose for a picture at the Super Bowl. Aw, ain't that cute - Demi posing with two of the hundreds of men she's had sex with. And look, Ashton's scrunching down so Bruce won't look like such a midget. Who says you can't be friends with your woman's hairless geriatric ex?

Ashton Kutcher Doesn't Like Bill Clinton

Studly "actor" Ashton Kutcher would prefer Bill Clinton stay away from his wife Demi Moore.

Kutcher's irritation at the snatch-happy ex-president stems from a recent dinner party, where Clinton spent most of the evening talking up Demi while ignoring Ashton.

"Bill was so engrossed by Demi," the apparently insecure Ashton told Jay Leno on The Tonight Show. "...I've never met a president before, but he didn't say a word to me the entire evening. I was like the guy who wasn't there."

Question: Is Ashton upset because he thinks Bill Clinton wants to fuck his wife, or is he upset because he himself wasn't the center of attention?

If Ashton really wants to be drooled on by someone in politics, perhaps he should get into the Congressional page program (don't you love it when I get all topical?).