Back Away Slowly

Somebody's off their meds. That's right Bruce, just keep smiling. Eventually she'll let go of your sack.

Rumer Willis, the Eye's Mortal Enemy, Will Now Begin Her Assault on the Ear

It isn't enough for Rumer Willis to punish our eyes with her hideous deformed looks...now the stupid bitch wants to assault our ears too, by launching a music career.

Music industry insiders are reportedly interested in Rumer after hearing a tape of her singing along with Dusty Springfield while prepping for a photoshoot.

"She can definitely hold a good tune — keep in mind her mother, Demi, has a sultry, raspy voice, and father, Bruce, likens himself as being a blues artist," one insider said. "With the right production and material, she could put out something solid and already people are talking."

That's ironclad logic right there: Her mom has a raspy speaking voice and her father is a white guy who plays fake blues, so she must be a great singer.

Now we know how Scarlett Johansson got a record deal.

Do I need to whip out the Feist video again to remind these assholes what real music sounds like? No more dumb-ass celebs with their little vanity projects. If you want to find singers, go to some clubs and sign some. Then get them some decent material, put some money behind promoting them and watch their careers take off.

Honestly, this thing in the music industry of trying to make pop-stars out of established names...it's so fucking gutless. In this de-nutted climate, the Beatles never would've gotten out of those leathery dive bars in Hamburg.

Ashton Kutcher And Bruce Willis Like Each Other Too Much

I used to think it was cute the way Ashton Kutcher and Bruce Willis got along so well despite the fact that Ashton was fucking Bruce's ex. But now I don't know. It's starting to creep me out a little. I think there's more going on here than we know about. Like, Demi and the kids are not the real reason Bruce keeps hanging around.

"Hey Ash, wanna go to a ballgame?"

"I don't know Bruce. It's not going to end up with more butt-sex in the restroom is it?"

"No. I swear. I only want a hand-job this time."

"Okay, cool. Cause I got a rash the last time, and explaining that shit to Demi..."

"I hear you man. Let's go."

"I'll get my mitt!"

"Heh-heh..."

A Couple Old Bald Guys Hanging

"Say listen Bruce. I know she's my daughter and everything, but you know...we're buds. So if you happen to have a thing for albinos...let's just say I can put in a good word for you. Only thing is, don't get too rough with her. She bruises real easy, you know what I mean?"

Bruce Likes Them Young Too

Demi Moore isn't the only one who likes getting it on with people half her age - here's Demi's ex Bruce Willis having some fun in the pool with Playboy model Karen McDougal. Maybe Karen should get Bruce to help her out with her movie career - in her upcoming film Stiletto she's listed as "Latina Girlfriend #4." It's never a good sign when you have a "#" in your character name.

Bruce, Demi And Ashton Like To Hang Out

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore are not like a lot of divorced couples - they actually still dig hanging out together. Witness this photograph of Demi and current hubby Ashton Kutcher getting cuddlesome on a boat while Bruce amuses himself trying to snag a fish. The scene took place while Bruce, Demi, Ashton and their shared kids Rumer, Scout and Tallulah were vacationing at Bruce's home in the Turks and Caicos Islands. Oh, and famed photographer Annie Leibovitz happened to be there too - hence the staged-looking picture. But, though the picture may have been staged, there's nothing fake about the warm relationship Bruce still has with Demi. Said Bruce to Vanity Fair:

It's hard to understand, but we go on holidays together. We still raise our kids together - we still have that bond. ... Demi is the mother of my children and Ashton is the stepfather of my children. I'm thrilled that Ashton turned out to be such a great guy. ... I love Demi, and I know she loves me.

There, kids, is a man who's secure in himself. And, frankly, given all the shit that goes on between divorced people - most of which ends up wrecking their kids' lives - it's refreshing to see a former couple like Bruce and Demi actually acting like grown-ups, and putting their differences behind them for the sake of the younguns.

(I do think they need to have a chat with Rumer about the clubbing, though. This chick is going to become the Chinzilla version of Lindsay Lohan soon.)

(source)

Bruce Willis Swears On National TV

I've got a great idea - let's interview a drunken movie-star during a basketball game!



Bruce Willis sometimes rocks. Other times he is just a bald midget asshole.

Love And Willis Are A Couple, Sorta

Courtney Love and Bruce Willis are reported by Page 6's Cindy Adams to be "sort of seeing one another." This seems appropriate, since both of them are only "sort of human."

This new report comes a couple weeks after an earlier bit of gossip which had Love and Willis sharing a prolonged smooch at an Amy Winehouse concert. After that report, reps for the stars said they were "only friends." So, now they're having sex, which means they're not friends anymore. Seems like a terrible waste. At any rate, I guess this means Cialis really works as well as they say. Any man who wants to pleasure a well-excavated old whore like Love is going to need to last at least four hours at a go. But now Cialis will need a new warning-label: "If you experience an erection that lasts more than four hours, see a doctor. If you stuck your erect penis in any of Courtney Love's orifices, see a mortician."

(source)

Cringe-Worthy Coupling Of The Day - Bruce Willis And Courtney Love

Old, bald midget actor Bruce Willis and freakish alien husband-murderer Courtney Love were spotted making-out at an Amy Winehouse concert at the Roxy on Sunset Blvd. March 19. This is news for the simple fact that, for the first time in recorded history, Amy Winehouse's show was not the most revolting spectacle taking place at an Amy Winehouse show.

According to reps, the lip-lock session between Willis and Love was not a sign of anything more significant, but was merely a "quick hi." Really. That's how friends say hi now. By sucking on each other like a pair of horny teenagers. Did I ever mention that I was good friends with Brad Pitt? He doesn't know, but the next time I see him, I'm going to make sure to say hi to him - then he'll know.

(source)

Ashton, Demi And Bruce - Together At Last

Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore and Bruce Willis pose for a picture at the Super Bowl. Aw, ain't that cute - Demi posing with two of the hundreds of men she's had sex with. And look, Ashton's scrunching down so Bruce won't look like such a midget. Who says you can't be friends with your woman's hairless geriatric ex?

Two Short, Bald Guys Hangin'

Here's a riddle for you kiddies: What's the difference between Sly Stallone and Bruce Willis? Give up?

Willis admits he has no hair.

I slay me.

Crabbie's Quickies: Federline's Prospects; Stefani's Future Plans; Foxx's Anger; Willis and Zellweger's Budding Romance

Human punching bag Kevin Federline is reportedly in talks to appear on the next season of the reality show Celebrity Big Brother.

"Kevin is hugely entertaining," says an insider, "because he takes himself really seriously - even though no one else does. He’ll be great for the show because it’s all about larger-than-life characters."

And by "larger-than-life characters" of course we mean "complete self-absorbed assholes with learning deficiencies."

***

Pouting dipshit Gwen Stefani says she wants to give up her solo career and return to her band No Doubt.

"I don't think I will make another [solo album]," says Stefani. "I can't predict anything, but I don't plan on making one of these solo dance project records, I definitely feel myself going back to No Doubt after this to do a new album."

I definitely feel myself not ever caring.

***

Egomaniacal Miami Vice star Jamie Foxx is angry at racist has-been Michael Richards - so angry that he's threatened to physically harm the former Seinfeld comedian.

"When I see him, it's on," says an irate Foxx. "I'm not going to let him get away with it. ... If I'd have been in the audience he would've had to put his dukes up. He probably should go get a private island somewhere, cause if I see him..."

That Foxx, he's quite manly. For a blubbering pussy.

***

Aging bald dwarf Bruce Willis and skinny blonde loon Renee Zellweger are rumored to be an item. The two were seen having dinner together and "looking cozy" at the L.A. eatery Cut.

"They seemed really into each other," said a source. "Renee definitely left with Bruce."

Didn't we just hear the same thing about Renee and George Clooney? Jesus, that bitch has been around more times than a ferris wheel.