The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3

I vaguely remember the original Taking of Pelham One Two Three. It was one of those gritty '70s thrillers that flooded the world in the wake of The French Connection. It starred Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw. There was a subway train. Some guff about passengers being kidnapped for ransom. Walter Matthau wasn't being funny like in The Odd Couple.

Fast-forward to this year. Pelham One Two Three is once again being taken, but this time it's Pelham 1 2 3 (the fewer words people have to read, the better). Walter Matthau is Denzel Washington. Robert Shaw is John Travolta. There's still a subway. Same guff about people being kidnapped for ransom. Only now, instead of that character-centric '70s grit, there's a bunch of Tony Scott histrionics (complete with shoehorned-in car chase, for the big droolers in the crowd) and Travolta doing his me-so-bad-ass routine (which was already old in Face/Off). Thank goodness for Denzel Washington and his patented authenticity. And a script that has been thought about just enough to make you not feel entirely insulted. Except for the ending, which I won't get into.

Another upgrade from the days of Pelham One Two Three: there's lots more bright, blinky, flashy stuff. Computers. Cell phones. A subway control center modeled after the war room in Dr. Strangelove. What did criminals do before WiFi? Shoved heaters in people's guts and told them to put 'em up, I guess.

I Really Hope It's A Bit...

I sincerely hope that Kanye West was only playing with us when he, now infamously, virtually molested Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech at the VMAs, all because he thought Beyonce should've won instead. I do not want to believe that there is a grown man anywhere on this earth who takes the MTV Video Music Awards seriously enough to actually be burned about who wins and who doesn't.

Did anyone ever explain to Kanye that awards are meaningless, and awards given by MTV even more so?

Of course this is not the first time Kanye has flipped out in response to what he perceived as a snub to his race. He also got mad at George Bush, you recall, after the federal government's piss-poor response to Katrina, claiming on TV that Bush "hates black people."

Well, okay, I'll give him that one. But ruining darling little Taylor Swift's shining moment in the spotlight because he thinks all music awards should be given to black people, or at least people as close to black as Beyonce?

Honestly Kanye, hasn't your race gotten enough acknowledgement lately? Didn't we elect a half-negro to be our president? Don't millions of useless, fat, drunken white people shell out untold millions of dollars every year to watch black athletes perform in their little phony sporting events? Don't we all love Denzel Washington and...other African-American actors whose names will come to me in a second?

Can't we, occasionally, give some props to pale, pretty white girls with blonde hair who write their own lame songs and sing them in thin little voices while pretend-strumming their guitars?

Don Cheadle. That's another one. Everyone loves Don Cheadle.

No Kanye, what you did is not cool. It did not, despite your delusions, strike a blow for black people everywhere. And it definitely did not help you any. In fact, I'd say there are certain sections of this country where you are now persona non grata.

Piece of advice Kanye: If you're ever walking down the street and you see a pick-up full of rope-brandishing white people coming toward you? You better make a break for it. And hope your feets don't fail you.

Brad Pitt-ches A Fit Over Motorcycle

Here's some deliciousness...apparently, Brad Pitt got upset when he heard Tom Cruise was getting the first one of those new limited edition Ducati motorcycles all the famous small-dicked guys are sweet on. So, to prevent anyone else from getting one before him, Brad had emails sent out to various UPS terminals telling them to freeze shipments of the bikes. Denzel Washington and Michael Jordan both allegedly complained to UPS when they found out they had to wait for their new two-wheeled penises to be delivered.

This story is beyond terrific. Too bad there's no way it's true.

I mean, think about it people...Brad Pitt sends some emails to UPS and they stop shipments? Sorry, but there's no way Brad has that kind of pull.

I don't care that TMZ claims to have copies of these emails. This story is 100% grade-A bullshit.

I'm still going to pray it's true though. Cause if it is...it's the greatest story ever.

(source)

Christianity Must Be In Rough Shape

Some joint called BeliefNet.com has issued their list of the 10 most powerful Christians in Hollywood. Improbably, Mel Gibson is at the top of the chart. I say "improbably" because, about this time last year, we had all pretty much buried Gibson's career. But Mel has pulled a Jesus and resurrected himself - pretty much without actually doing anything, as a matter of fact. Here's the complete top 10:

1. Mel Gibson
2. Denzel Washington
3. Patricia Heaton
4. Tyler Perry
5. Ralph Winter
6. Angela Bassett
7. Martin Sheen
8. Martha Williamson
9. Kristin Chenoweth
10. Philip Anschultz

I don't know if I agree with that list. First of all, given recent box-office performance, shouldn't Tyler Perry be number 1? Those movies based on his plays pretty much always open big. I don't think Apocalypto was nearly as profitable as Diary of a Mad Black Woman. And Denzel Washington - we all love Denzel, but what was his last actual hit? I can't honestly remember. Of course, a couple of these people are only included because they're controversial. Like Patricia Heaton, who pretty much hates everyone who doesn't precisely agree with her views. And Martin Sheen who has demonstrated himself to be a total wacko. I don't know - seems to me that if Heaton and Sheen are considered "powerful Christians" in show-biz, then "powerful Christian in show-biz" is pretty much an oxymoron.

(source)