And Towelhead Baby Makes 7

Angelina and Brad recently took a trip to Syria to visit refugees displaced by the Iraq conflict. Angie evidently saw something she liked because it's being reported that she has begun the process of adopting one of the poor sunburned victims of George Bush's illegal oil war.

Ah, but this deal isn't going down as smoothly as the last few adoptions/births. Sources say Brad was against adding a 7th kid to the brood, and Angie went ahead without him. People with knowledge of the situation say only Angelina's name is on the adoption papers.

Numerous questions arise in the wake of this news. 1: What color is an Iraqi refugee baby officially and how does this affect the legendary balance? 2: How long before Brad putters off on his motorcycle to find a piece of ass who isn't a deranged baby hoarder? 3: At what point does Shiloh begin her bid to become legally emancipated? 4: How will Octomom react to this shocking news? For that matter, how will Balloon Boy react? 5: When will I stop repeating these silly, unfounded rumors as if they were fact?

I Really Hope It's A Bit...

I sincerely hope that Kanye West was only playing with us when he, now infamously, virtually molested Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech at the VMAs, all because he thought Beyonce should've won instead. I do not want to believe that there is a grown man anywhere on this earth who takes the MTV Video Music Awards seriously enough to actually be burned about who wins and who doesn't.

Did anyone ever explain to Kanye that awards are meaningless, and awards given by MTV even more so?

Of course this is not the first time Kanye has flipped out in response to what he perceived as a snub to his race. He also got mad at George Bush, you recall, after the federal government's piss-poor response to Katrina, claiming on TV that Bush "hates black people."

Well, okay, I'll give him that one. But ruining darling little Taylor Swift's shining moment in the spotlight because he thinks all music awards should be given to black people, or at least people as close to black as Beyonce?

Honestly Kanye, hasn't your race gotten enough acknowledgement lately? Didn't we elect a half-negro to be our president? Don't millions of useless, fat, drunken white people shell out untold millions of dollars every year to watch black athletes perform in their little phony sporting events? Don't we all love Denzel Washington and...other African-American actors whose names will come to me in a second?

Can't we, occasionally, give some props to pale, pretty white girls with blonde hair who write their own lame songs and sing them in thin little voices while pretend-strumming their guitars?

Don Cheadle. That's another one. Everyone loves Don Cheadle.

No Kanye, what you did is not cool. It did not, despite your delusions, strike a blow for black people everywhere. And it definitely did not help you any. In fact, I'd say there are certain sections of this country where you are now persona non grata.

Piece of advice Kanye: If you're ever walking down the street and you see a pick-up full of rope-brandishing white people coming toward you? You better make a break for it. And hope your feets don't fail you.

I'm Moving to Canada

I have no problem with this Funny or Die bit starring Paris Hilton - I guess it's sort of amusing; she reads her lines okay and looks fairly good in the bathing suit. What I do have a very very big problem with is this response to the video from John McCain's spokesperson Tucker Bounds:

Sounds like Paris is taking the "All of the Above" energy approach that John McCain has advocated -- both alternatives and drilling. Perhaps the reality is that Paris has a more substantive energy plan than Barack Obama.

It was unconscionably lame for McCain's people to put Paris and Britney in the Barack attack ad to begin with (the point's valid I guess...it was just a dumb way of making it). After it blew up in their face you'd think they'd be smart enough to just stay away from all that shit entirely. But no. They are not. They keep going back to the well. Because McCain's people know he's really old and has zero cred with young people - and they think sparring jokingly with Paris is somehow rectifying that. But it's not. It's only making the old man seem lamer. And it's only reconfirming my belief that our Democracy is irrevocably screwed up. This is what we spend our time talking about?

Barack nailed it the other night when he said McCain's people were focusing on the Britney-Paris stuff to deliberately distract everyone from the real shit. Republicans don't want us thinking issues because they know George Bush has fucked the country up and therefore they lose on issues. And the even sadder part? All they're doing by going frivolous is setting Barack up to win points by staying above the fray. Hillary did that time-and-again, and now the McCain people are falling into the same trap. They try to undercut him, and he shrugs and acts like the whole thing is so silly and beneath him. That's his bit. Politics is a slimy game that he won't play. Except he will play it...he just plays it cleverer. The McCain people look like amateurs when they go this route.

I'm so sick of this country right now that I'm thinking of fleeing to Canada. When does Greyhound leave? Er...okay, maybe I'll hitch.