Mulligan, Beautiful, Fantastic

Carey Mulligan is sure to get an Oscar nomination for her performance in An Education. She has all the old horndog movie critics drooling over her combination of talent and pixie sex appeal. She is fucking Shia LaBoof. She is just about the hottest thing right now in the world of movies you have to wait to see on DVD because the local Multiplex needs those screens for extra showings of whatever loud piece of shit Michael Bay has out.

And now she has landed a role in The Beautiful Fantastic alongside Tom Wilkinson.

ScreenDaily.com describes The Beautiful Fantastic as a modern fairy tale in the vein of Amelie. Since I hated Amelie with a passion that cannot be described with mere words, I think I will be skipping this.

Unless, when I finally see An Education, I become as entranced by Ms. Mulligan as everyone else.

Balthazar Getty Will Fuck Anything

The STDs Balthazar Getty got from Sienna Miller weren't strong enough to satisfy his cravings, so he has moved on to human petri dish Lindsay Lohan.

People says Balthazar, whose family hasn't been able to get hold of him in months, possibly years, snuck into a club with Lohan through a backdoor and was "all over her" for the rest of the night.

If I'd had any respect for Balthazar Getty to begin with, it would all be gone now. And I don't know what to say about Lindsay. She switches sexual persuasions faster than Megan Fox switches positions on Michael Bay. I think she may be confused. Like I was in high school.

Megan Fox Figures Out Which Side Her Bread Is Buttered On

Megan Fox would be just another tatted-up street walker if not for Transformers. I know that. You know that. And now, Megan knows that.

In a 180-degree reversal from her previous remarks - stuff about Michael Bay being Hitler - Megan admitted at the Spike TV Scream Awards that she owes everything to the CGI robots and the egomaniac director who brought them to life.

"I don't usually do this, but I wanted to say something," Megan blubbered. "There have been a lot of false reports about how I feel about this movie. I just want to be very clear that I've always felt I’m a very ordinary part of an extraordinary film.

"...the movie took me out of obscurity and gave me a career," the dumb twat added, "and I'm completely grateful to everyone involved with this franchise."

And if Michael Bay is in need of a good taint-licking, Megan is the girl for the job.

Preemptive Ass Covering

Michael Bay thinks Paramount isn't doing a good enough job promoting his new loud brainless summer extravaganza Transformers 2. "I have been waiting, and waiting for the anticipation of an 'event movie' to make it into the 'public zeitgeist,'" the director ranted in an email to studio chief Brad Grey. Bay specifically ripped the print campaign, calling it an "abject failure." And believe me, this guy knows from abject failures: he made The Island.

Of course this all reeks of preemptive ass covering. If the movie flops, then it will be the fault of the studio for not promoting it. And if Bay is already trying to plant this seed? It must mean he knows the film is doomed, a major league stink-bomb that will make even Land of the Lost look like a classic. That's scary badness right there. Maybe, for the next Transformers movie (if there is one), Bay should just get rid of the giant robots and Shia LaBoof, and have Megan Fox work the pole for 2 hours. At least then she'd finally be tackling a role she can handle.

Thank You, Bill, From The Bottom Of That Stone I Call A Heart

Terminator Salvation director McG has revealed to The Guardian that he was once headbutted on the set by a famous actor who starred in Scrooged and is not Carole Kane.

"I'm reintroducing the fist-fight to movie sets," McG explained. "I don't think there's been a film I've made where there hasn't been some kind of physical fight. I mean, I've been headbutted by an A-list star. Square in the head. An inch later and my nose would have been obliterated."

When pressed to name the star McG replied, "Nah, I probably shouldn't. But it was Bill Murray. Y'know, it's a passionate industry."

Oh yeah McG? Bill Murray once headbutted you? Now why would he go and do that? It couldn't have been because you go around calling yourself "McG" could it?

Take a hint from Bill's cranium and drop the stupid name. And while you're at it...quit making movies. You suck so bad, even Michael Bay laughs at you.

Michael Bay Saw Shia Crash Coming

Transformers director Michael Bay knew something bad was going to happen to Shia LaBeouf on the road...but thought it would involve a two-wheeled vehicle rather than a four. Said Bay:

We had a little heart to heart the week before [the accident] when he bought a brand new motorcycle and I [said], "Dude! You cannot ride that motorcycle! If you crash, you put 1,500 people out of work." He said, "Ok, I won't ride it, I won't ride it, I'll just drive my truck."

Throw in a fortune-telling novelty machine at a roadside diner and you've got a middling Twilight Zone episode. Just don't let Michael Bay direct it or it will suck scrotum.

Uwe Boll Responds to Go Away Uwe Petition

Uwe Boll may be a crap filmmaker, but he's damn entertaining. And he's right about Michael Bay and Eli Roth...they are retards.