You're Right Mariah, You Sucked

Mariah Carey has apologized for sounding like a big tub of warmed-over shit at Michael Jackson's cheesy, uncomfortable memorial service.

"Trying to sing today was basically impossible for me," the cow posted on Twitter. "I could barely keep myself from crying. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to pull it together and really do it right, but I was literally choked up when I saw him there in front of me."

Actually, what had Mariah upset was that she caught her husband Nick Cannon getting blown by Usher backstage...and he refused to share.

Don't worry though Mariah, you weren't the only one who sucked at the memorial. Every one did. Especially that fool Stevie Wonder with that cornball epic he hammered out. He's blind and I wished I were deaf.

And what about that Middle Eastern kid they dragged out for the affair? What was up with that? Pimping new talent at a memorial? Did Papa Joe Simpson plan the thing or what?

Just using up all the material I didn't get to during the live blog.

Couple Of The Year

I have it on good authority that Mariah has to pay Nick Cannon a thousand dollars, in advance, every time she touches him. This kind of semi-snuggle costs two-grand. A kiss? Five thousand. Sex? She doesn't have that much money.

Someone Douse Them, Quick

Mariah Carey and that dude she's pretending to be married to dressed up as firefighters. This had nothing to do with Halloween - they just like dressing up as things. Nick doesn't seem that into it, does he? He's thinking about his gay porn stash back at the creeb. The one Mariah still hasn't discovered. "What are you doing in there Nick? What's that funny squishing noise?"

Eggheads

I'm pretty sure this picture of Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon is just the result of some unintended photographic effect. Their heads can't really be that shape can they? They're not from France as far as I know. They're not known to chug down whole six-packs at a time.

The Sham Continues

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are about as married as me and Vladimir Putin. So why do they keep it up? Okay, I know why he does...cold hard cash. But her? What does she think she's getting out of it? What is it supposed to be doing for her image or her career? The bitch makes no sense whatsoever. Plus she's stupid. She probably thinks those are real mice.