You're Right Mariah, You Sucked

Mariah Carey has apologized for sounding like a big tub of warmed-over shit at Michael Jackson's cheesy, uncomfortable memorial service.

"Trying to sing today was basically impossible for me," the cow posted on Twitter. "I could barely keep myself from crying. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to pull it together and really do it right, but I was literally choked up when I saw him there in front of me."

Actually, what had Mariah upset was that she caught her husband Nick Cannon getting blown by Usher backstage...and he refused to share.

Don't worry though Mariah, you weren't the only one who sucked at the memorial. Every one did. Especially that fool Stevie Wonder with that cornball epic he hammered out. He's blind and I wished I were deaf.

And what about that Middle Eastern kid they dragged out for the affair? What was up with that? Pimping new talent at a memorial? Did Papa Joe Simpson plan the thing or what?

Just using up all the material I didn't get to during the live blog.

Talking Kook

Ah the saga of Stevie Wonder's L.A. home. Reports said it burned down and all Steve's stuff went with it. Then Stevie denied the story, saying his house was fine. Now Page 6 claims Stevie started the whole thing himself by telling people his house had burned down. Either Stevie has a weird sense of humor or the whole being blind thing doesn't get him all the sympathy he needs anymore.

Songs In The Key Of Why God, Why?

Stevie Wonder is said to be devastated after a wild fire burned down his Los Angeles-area home. "Everything was destroyed - all of Stevie's memorabilia, photos, musical instruments, history, clothing, furniture, everything," said a source. "It's all gone." Uh, I don't wanna be a jerk here but...why the hell would you keep all that precious stuff in a house in L.A. when you know that area is prone to fires, earthquakes and all other kinds of natural disasters? What, did Stevie figure God would protect him? I hate to break it to you Stevie, but God hasn't been very kind to you up till now. In fact, I'd say God pretty much has it in for you. On the good side...at least you're still alive, which is more than I can say for Ray Charles.

Stevie Wonder Falling Down Is Not Funny. Is It?

Stevie Wonder falls down at a Barack Obama rally. Don't laugh at this. It's wrong.