Boy George Claims Abuse

Singer Boy George, fresh off his well-publicized five-day community service stint, is making outrageous claims about his treatment while in lock-up. "...when I was arrested the police were really hideous to me," says the pop-sensation-turned-publicity-seeking-dopehead. "I just couldn't understand why they would be so bad - they wouldn't even give you water so I had to drink my own urine in the cells. Seriously. ... I thought, 'What have I done to deserve this? What happened to beyond reasonable doubt?''"

A very good question, Boy. What did happen to "beyond reasonable doubt?" Maybe it's gone to the same place as your sense of reality. And your taste in fashion. And your dignity. Seriously, you had to drink your own urine? What did it taste like exactly? I'm guessing it probably didn't taste like shame, since you don't have an ounce of it in your soft, mushy, pie-fed body. And as to another statement of yours: "All my life I've thought, 'I never want to get in trouble with the law in America.'" I find that statement amusing, considering the fact that you called the cops to your own apartment, and there just happened to be a bunch of cocaine sitting on the desk which they just happened to find. And you just happened to get arrested and chucked in jail, where they just happened to force you to drink your own urine. And then you happened to get sentenced to community service which put you on a sidewalk with a lot of cameras and reporters around. Hmm. Seems like a lot of accidental publicity has been coming your way lately Boy. And I'd guess a bit more of it is going to come now that you've revealed the way the New York cops so horribly mistreated you. Maybe, now that you've got everyone's attention (and we do love having people's attention, don't we Boy?), you can just go for broke, and reveal that your whole life you've been nothing but a pathetic no-talent drug-addict pathological liar. Ought to get at least a Larry King interview out of that.

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Osama Bin Laden Digs Crackho Whitney

Ever wonder what kind of woman turns a psychotic international terrorist's crank? Well, wonder no more kiddies; thanks to an alleged ex-sex slave of Osama Bin Laden, we now know exactly what kind of female brings woodage to the old Al Qaeda tentpole - the kind that makes a fortune in music and movies, then marries a has-been singer and turns into a drug-addled wash-out right before our very eyes. Yup, Whitney Houston. According to a book by Kola Boof, a Sudanese poet and recently-fired "Days of Our Lives" writer who claims to have once been a member of Bin Laden's harem, the America-hating, 9/11-planning lunatic has an obsession with Whitney Houston, and once told Boof he would like to get rid of her husband Bobby Brown and make her one of his wives. "[He would say] how beautiful she is," Boof writes, "what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband - Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women's husbands killed." Osama's thing for Whitney apparently runs counter to his general feelings about African women, however. "African women are only good for a man's lower pleasures," Boof quotes Bin Laden as saying. "What need do you have for a womb?"

If I were Whitney I'd be packing my bags right now and heading for Afghanistan. Bobby Brown? Crap, girl, he's an l-o-s-e-r loser. Osama Bin Laden? Guy's got millions. I mean, sure, you'll have to live in a cave, but think about the primo smoke, and all you have to do is shine the guy's tentpole every now and then. Okay, so maybe you run the risk of being beheaded for no reason, but what the hell, you ain't using that thing for anything anyway, right? Sorry Bobby, but I think this is a gots to go situation.

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Russian Mafia Threatens to Kidnap Madonna

The roll-call of people who are pissed off at Madonna for her blasphemous stage show, which features the menopausal singer "crucifying" herself on a giant bathroom-tile cross, now includes the Russian Mafia. And the Russian Mafia doesn't just denounce people the way the Vatican does; it threatens them. With kidnapping. And you definitely don't want to be kidnapped by the Russian Mafia. Take it from me. It's no picnic being kidnapped by the those guys.

Yes, it's true, I was once abducted by the Russian Mafia. Back in the early nineties when I was still running my dog-grooming business. A couple of Russian gangsters came into my shop, tied me up and dragged me off. It was terrible. That awful smell of aftershave, vodka-breath and old sneakers. Them playing Yakov Smirnoff videos over and over until I wanted to freaking kill myself. Thankfully I was only held for a couple of days; back then the Russian Mafia accepted toilet paper as ransom payment, so my good pal Vernon just showed up with a van full of Charmin and they let me go. I can only imagine how much Charmin it would take for Guy Ritchie to get Madonna back from the clutches of Russian gangsters now, what with inflation and all. He'd probably have to buy several of those giant packs from Costco.

So, if I were Madonna, I would be taking these threats very seriously. I would be adding more security. And just to be on the safe side, I might consider taking the crucifixion thing out of my stage-show. I mean, seriously Madonna, what point do you think you're making? "Ooh, look at me, I'm Madonna. I'm hanging myself from a cross. Aren't I being daring and sacrilegious?" Okay Madonna, we get it, you grew up a Catholic and it scarred you, and now you're getting back at all the nuns who cracked your knuckles with rulers. How much longer does this have to go on? When will you be satisfied? When the pope personally apologizes? Give it a rest, you old bag. You're not some new pop-music Messiah. You're a no-talent who got lucky and now doesn't have the sense to exit gracefully. Are you going to stick around until your tits are hanging below your knees? Is that how you want people to remember you?

Sad.

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