Kate Moss Dumps Pete Doherty? Who Will Be Our Favorite Wash-Out Couple Now?

It looks like the final bell has tolled for Kate Moss and Pete Doherty as a couple. Reports are coming out of England that Kate has finally become fed-up with her heroin-shooting, actor-murdering boyfriend and told him to get lost.

This is a tremendous blow to everyone who enjoys following the exploits of crazy junkie couples. I haven't felt this low since Whitney and Bobby broke up.

Hey. But there's always hope, isn't there? Especially now that Nicole Richie looks bent on joining the ranks of the self-destructive celebrity addicts. All we need now is a good druggie boyfriend for Richie. I know:


Nah. Too old. Plus I think he's gay.

All right then. How about this guy:

A possibility. As long as Nicole doesn't mind bedding Lindsay Lohan's cast-offs. Of course there's always the chance that Matthew has cleaned himself up, which sort of strikes him from the list.

Oh wait, I know:


This would seem a better choice. He's right about at Nicole's intellectual level, plus people think he's hip, which would help Nicole's image. The problem, of course, is that Paris already went there, and there could be tension. Wouldn't want a beautiful friendship being broken up over a man (especially not one as low-rent as Jason Mewes).

Hmm, this is tough. Looks like we might need to think outside the box on this one. Ooh, I've got it:

Why not? She's available (apparently). And isn't it about time we had a good lesbian junkie-couple, instead of another boring hetero one? Of course, it would be a bit strange for Kate Moss to be the fat one in the relationship. But hey - when they went to England, Nicole would be able to drive without even having to adjust to being on the left side. It's a match made in heaven, if you ask me.

Now We Know Why Sean Combs Keeps Changing His Nickname...

He keeps forgetting what it is!

Nick Carter Calls Paris a Pothead. Paris Says, "Who Now?"

Paris Hilton's ex, newly-minted reality star Nick Carter, says that Paris is a pothead - such a huge pothead that when she goes on trips she crams her teddy bear full of the stuff and smuggles it onto airplanes.

"If she was going overseas she'd cut a hole in her teddy and stuff it with cannabis," says the obviously bitter former Backstreet Boy. "She had to have her own private stash with her at all times regardless of the consequences."

Well, why shouldn't a girl be able to have a puff when she wants one? All these damn prudish laws. A girl like Paris, she can't be dragged down just because other people are a lot of fuddy-duddies.

By the way Nicky, what's the deal with you also telling tales about Paris's lovemaking issues?

She relied heavily on drugs and drink to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform.

I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out.

It never occurred to you, did it Nicky, that maybe Paris was only pretending to be passed out so she wouldn't have to endure having sex with you. Because having sex with you was such a chore that she couldn't deal with it any longer. Because getting squirted in the face before the guy even gets it in isn't really that fun after awhile.

George Michael Tokes Up On National TV. Then Throws On Some Hendrix and Stares at His Hand For an Hour.

Washed-up pop-star George Michael likes smoking pot - at home, in his car, in the middle of a television interview, whatever.

Yeah, he toked up in the middle of a television interview. Doesn't everyone?

Says Michael of his true love cannabis: "This is the only drug I've ever thought worth taking but you have to wait. It never occurred to me to take even this until I was about 22 or 23. ... This stuff keeps me sane and happy. I could write without it...if I were sane and happy. I'd say it's a great drug - but obviously it's not very healthy. You can't afford to smoke it if you've got anything to do. Anything at all would be foolish."

"You can't afford to smoke it if you've got anything to do." Well George, it's a good thing you don't have anything to do then, isn't it? I mean, besides pass out in the middle of traffic. Stoner.

Doherty Storms Out On Moss. She Must've Shot All His Junk and Pissed Him Off.

It was an eventful Thursday night for train-wreck model Kate Moss and her junkie rocker boyfriend Pete Doherty - one that ended with Doherty storming out of Moss's house half-naked at three in the morning.

The dust-up apparently began at some point after Doherty's performance with his band Babyshambles at London's famed Brixton Academy. Moss was said to have left the venue looking disheveled. And when the couple arrived back at Moss's posh pad the unpleasantness only escalated, climaxing with Pete's dramatic walk-out.

"Pete burst out of the door looking pretty angry," said an on-looker, "and was going on about how he had smashed his guitar. He was looking everywhere for a taxi to get home but he couldn't find one, this made him even more angry."

Doherty then allegedly broke a paparazzo's camera before disappearing.

And they seemed so happy too.

Jimmy Buffett: Club Kid?

Jimmy Buffett has moved out of Margaritaville and into Ecstasyland.

While on his way to St. Tropez, Buffett, a musical hero to middle-aged Bermuda-shorts wearing heterosexuals, was caught by French authorities with more than 100 tabs of ecstasy in his luggage. The cops let Buffett off with a $380 fine.

According to Buffett's spokesperson, the ecstasy was not ecstasy at all but an unnamed prescription medication.

Sure. And I suppose Buffett wasn't mixing the stuff that wasn't ecstasy with those blue pills of his that weren't Viagra.

Be careful Jimmy. You can get a permanent erection from that shit. And I don't mean the one Jack Nicholson only seems to have. I mean a real one.

Crabbie's Quickies: George Michael's Drug Woes; Bobby Brown's Arrest Warrant; Eva and Tony's Bust-Up; Moss and Doherty's Wedding Plans

George Michael says he doesn't have a drug problem.

Am I missing something? Didn't George just get arrested for falling asleep at an intersection while on dope?

And I suppose Mel Gibson doesn't have any problems with Jews either. And Anna Nicole Smith is on perfectly good terms with reality.

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An arrest warrant has been issued for Bobby Brown over his failure to show up for a Boston court date.

3-1 they find Bobby in an abandoned warehouse blubbering and soaked in urine (both his own and other people's). And waving a gun around.

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Reports say swarthy little bitch Eva Longoria dumped her boyfriend, hoopster hottie Tony Parker, because Parker was getting too cozy with one of his ex-girlfriends.

Sounds like Eva was having trouble keeping somebody happy. Might be time for her to consider having certain things tightened up (and I don't mean her ass).

By the way, Tony Parker. If you should ever become interested in moving over to the gay side of town, I'm available for tour-guide duties. You bald-headed slab of ball-bouncing Euro beef.

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Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are planning on getting married and starting a family.

Says Doherty's manager Eammon Tucker, "She's [Moss] just a very sweet girl who's very much in love with Pete. He makes her laugh and they're looking forward to having children soon."

I wonder what makes Kate Moss laugh. Balloon-animals? Dirty limericks? Seeing Pete passed out in a puddle of his own vomit?

Crabbie's Quickies: Zeta Dumped (Not By Douglas), Dickinson Horny (What Else is New?), Anna Nicole's Kid Fought Over

Phone company T-Mobile has decided to drop raven-haired seductress Catherine Zeta-Jones as its official pitchwoman.

According to T-Mobile, the company is looking for more of a "down-to-earth" persona to represent the company. I think they just dumped her cause she's old and losing her looks, but what do I know?

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Crazed ex-model Janice Dickinson has set her amorous sights on grouchy American Idol judge Simon Cowell.

Loopy cokehead Dickinson, a seventies fashion icon who's seen something of a resurrection as a reality-TV harpy, says the acerbic Cowell is, "the sexiest man on TV," and that she wants to challenge him to a "fuck-off" (I guess that's like a bake-off except there's fucking). No response yet from Cowell, but I've got a sneaking hunch he's not interested in Janice - or anyone else with a vagina.

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Things are getting even crazier in Anna Nicole Smith's life. First it was that whole unfortunate deal with her son, you know the dying and stuff, and now it appears there's going to be a battle between two different creeps over who is the father of Smith's new baby.

On TV the other night, some shady lawyer called Howard K. Stern (that K. is there so we won't confuse him with the boner-nosed Jew radio prick) claimed to be the man responsible for bringing little Dannilynn Smith into the world. Now, a photojournalist named Larry Birkhead is claiming that he and not Stern is the real father, and he's demanding a paternity test to settle the matter.

Somebody call Maury Povich!

Wouldn't it be just deliciously ironic if both Stern and Birkhead turned out to be a pair of lying creeps who are just trying to make a buck off their association with Smith? I mean, considering Smith's own history of blatant gold-digging?

Courtney Love is Helping Whitney Houston Get Clean. And Pig-Pen from Peanuts Has Opened His Own Dry Cleaning Chain.

Crackhead Whitney Houston is getting help from an unlikely source in her battle against drug addiction - Courtney Love.

Yes, that Courtney Love. The one who murdered her husband Kurt Cobain (I guess that's never been definitively proven, but it's a rumor, so we'll just run with it). The one whose vomiting prowess has become nearly legendary. It seems Courtney was recently recruited by famed music producer Clive Davis to help intervene in the on-doing disaster that is Whitney's life, and now Courtney is mentoring the recovering Whitney.

For the record, Courtney Love insists that she is no longer a drug addict. Of course I once thought that I was no longer gay too. Until I suddenly realized I had somebody's dick in my mouth.

Think about it though. Whitney Houston is so messed up, she's actually getting guidance from Courtney Love.

I'm assuming the split from Bobby Brown is part of this new strategy to get Whitney's life back in shape. But where does that leave Bobby? I'm going to guess that whatever money the man's made, he's probably smoked it all. And it's not like the guy can just call up Clive Davis and get his career put back together. Maybe somebody could get hold of Robert Downey, Jr., and have him give Bobby a good talking-to about what really matters in life.

Janet Jackson a Cokehead (Not Really, But It Sounded Good)

Boob-baring singer Janet Jackson has revealed that she once took liquid cocaine, but claims she was tricked into it by someone who told her it was sore throat medicine.

That's how it happens to all of us the first time, Janet. Somebody tells us the stuff is "medicine," and we take it, and pretty soon we're jumping around like monkeys, and grinding our teeth down to nubs. And oh yeah, then we're going on Super Bowl halftime shows and flashing our pierced nipples in front of millions of impressionable youngsters (most of whom also have pierced nipples).

Liquid cocaine - now that's the real Jesus juice.

Kiss My Ass: Whitney and Bobby No Longer A Couple

Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown have filed court documents seeking a legal separation. TMZ reports that Whitney will officially file for divorce next month.

Now's your chance Osama!

Osama Bin Laden Digs Crackho Whitney

Ever wonder what kind of woman turns a psychotic international terrorist's crank? Well, wonder no more kiddies; thanks to an alleged ex-sex slave of Osama Bin Laden, we now know exactly what kind of female brings woodage to the old Al Qaeda tentpole - the kind that makes a fortune in music and movies, then marries a has-been singer and turns into a drug-addled wash-out right before our very eyes. Yup, Whitney Houston. According to a book by Kola Boof, a Sudanese poet and recently-fired "Days of Our Lives" writer who claims to have once been a member of Bin Laden's harem, the America-hating, 9/11-planning lunatic has an obsession with Whitney Houston, and once told Boof he would like to get rid of her husband Bobby Brown and make her one of his wives. "[He would say] how beautiful she is," Boof writes, "what a nice smile she has, how truly Islamic she is but is just brainwashed by American culture and by her husband - Bobby Brown, whom Osama talked about having killed, as if it were normal to have women's husbands killed." Osama's thing for Whitney apparently runs counter to his general feelings about African women, however. "African women are only good for a man's lower pleasures," Boof quotes Bin Laden as saying. "What need do you have for a womb?"

If I were Whitney I'd be packing my bags right now and heading for Afghanistan. Bobby Brown? Crap, girl, he's an l-o-s-e-r loser. Osama Bin Laden? Guy's got millions. I mean, sure, you'll have to live in a cave, but think about the primo smoke, and all you have to do is shine the guy's tentpole every now and then. Okay, so maybe you run the risk of being beheaded for no reason, but what the hell, you ain't using that thing for anything anyway, right? Sorry Bobby, but I think this is a gots to go situation.

(source)