Too Bad There Was No Wood-Chipper

Long-balled Cisco Adler lived out part of his rock and roll dream by getting arrested after a bar brawl in Fargo, North Dakota early Thursday morning. The fight allegedly started after Adler, who was at the joint "performing," punched a bar employee in the nose. He was booked, posted $500 bail and walked. I'll say this about Cisco - he must be serious about the whole music thing to be playing bars in Fargo.

Ballsy Cisco Bags Another One

Cisco Adler has added heiress Lydia Hearst to his ever-growing list of conquests. Old long-balls himself was seen kissing the great-granddaughter of loopy publishing mogul William Randolph Hearst in a private booth at New York's Box nightclub, then accompanied the model to a showing of the new Mark Wahlberg movie We Own the Night. Hearst's publicist insists that the two crazy kids are just fooling around, saying:

It's true that Cisco and Lydia have been seen together in public recently. But I don't think this is serious. It is a very new relationship.

Cisco Adler never has anything but new relationships. His relationships don't last long enough to become old relationships. And anyway, Lydia would have to be an idiot to become anything more than casually involved with a chimpanzee like Cisco, hypnotically long balls or no.

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Cisco Goes Crazy

Cisco Adler has a little mini-meltdown on-stage. He's so full of bullshit pain.

Paris Digs Elephant Balls

Paris Hilton took a break from saving the world to suck face with hangy-balled monkey-freak Cisco Adler at Guy's nightclub last night. Hmm - so is this another example of Cisco's uncanny ability to get women to go to bed with him? Or is it just that Paris is such a horrendous slut she'll fuck anyone or anything?

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Cisco Adler Is Impressed With Himself

Cisco Adler has freaky balls. And, according to Cisco, he also has mad game. Brags Cisco of his ability to bed famous babes:

I have some sort of gift with women . . . I tend to find myself dating famous women sometimes. I just write dope songs and fuck hot bitches.

A list of the famous women Cisco has nailed includes Mischa Barton, Paris Hilton, Kimberly Stewart and Lindsay Lohan. I will leave it to the reader to decide whether any of those quality as "hot," and reserve myself to the observation that, when one endeavors to nail famous women, it helps immeasurably if said women have no taste, and happen to be incredibly high on drugs at the time one is undertaking the seduction. So maybe Cisco shouldn't be quite so impressed with his abilities. His balls, however, are a spectacle to behold. How they managed to get left off the new list of the Seven Wonders of the World is beyond me.

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Mischa's Parents Hate Cisco Adler

Mischa Barton's parents don't want their daughter having anything to do with ex-boyfriend Cisco Adler. To their dismay, however, Mischa doesn't seem to be entirely over him. This sad fact came to light this weekend during Mischa's hospital stay over a bad reaction to some shrooms liquor and antibiotics. Mischa's parents, Paul Marsden Barton and Nuala Quinn, rushed to be by her side - only to catch her talking to Cisco on the phone.

And how do they know it was Cisco? A source explains:

[Mischa's parents] were angry about her condition. When they left the room, she ran to the phone and tried to call Cisco Adler. ... Her dad came back into the room, and heard Mischa deliriously saying, "Cisco." ... Her dad freaked out. She put the phone down, but he yelled at the staff about letting her use the phone.

I can just see Mischa now. She's lying in bed, on the verge of death. She sees a white light. A voice tells her, "Come to the light Mischa." Then Cisco appears, naked, his balls hanging almost to the floor. "Run from the light Mischa," the balls beseech. "You're too young to die from shrooms...er...booze and antibiotics. Come stroke me Mischa. Lick me. Rub me between your tits."

Well, who could blame Mischa for refusing the pearly gates? Obviously, she wanted to call Cisco as soon as possible and thank his balls for saving her. In fact, I think we should all thank Cisco's balls. Indeed, they are a fine set of balls.

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World's Grossest Couple Reunites

Kimberly Stewart and Cisco Adler got cozy the other night at a Details magazine party at Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills. So does this mean the former couple is getting back together? God I hope not. One or the other alone is bad enough, but the two of them together? That's like a perfect storm of grossness. Seriously, even Pam Anderson and Kid Rock weren't that revolting. I mean, even if I tried as hard as I could, I doubt I could imagine two people who made me sicker...



Uh, I take that back.

Holy God, what is with that hair? It looks like lightning took a shit on his head. God Mario - I know it's great to be gay, but do you have to be that gay?

(source)

Lohan Does Cisco Adler

Cisco Adler may have the most unattractive package in history, but the ladies sure don't seem to mind. The other night at Les Deux, Adler, who just got done being dumped by Mischa Barton, was seen getting close to, and finally leaving with, no less a personage than Ms. Lindsay Lohan herself. You know, the girl who doesn't drink anymore cause she went to rehab and all that. Apparently Lindsay's taste is just as poor sober as it was drunk - how else can you explain her interest in Cisco Adler? Unless, as Janet Charlton suggests, she's just trying to tweak Mischa Barton. But, if I were Lindsay, I'd be careful about tweaking Mischa. That girl is so fragile - you don't know how she might react. She could end up going Britney, getting a pentagram tattooed in the middle of her forehead and trying to jump off a bridge or something. Or she could go after Lindsay with a knife. Or she could just go on being Mischa - pathetic and lost-looking.

Mischa Barton Is A Disaster

Some people just try way too hard to be quirky. Like Mischa Barton. I mean, shorts with suspenders? And piano-keys on the suspenders? Did she lose a bet or something? Maybe - maybe - this outfit would look cute on a 6-year-old. But if a grown-up wears it, people are only going to think that person is mentally handicapped - and rightfully so.

Of course, Mischa may just be reacting to all the stress in her life by these odd wardrobe choices. And she has a lot of stress. For one thing, she just broke up with her boyfriend Cisco Adler over this NSFW photo of him (of course it was that festering boil Perez who posted it). Mischa is apparently heartbroken over the split, and I don't blame her. I mean, finally, she finds a man willing to put up with her insanity, and then this goes and happens. Some people just can't catch a break. They can, however, catch one in the jaw from the no-taste-stick. Which is exactly what happened to Mischa.