And Towelhead Baby Makes 7

Angelina and Brad recently took a trip to Syria to visit refugees displaced by the Iraq conflict. Angie evidently saw something she liked because it's being reported that she has begun the process of adopting one of the poor sunburned victims of George Bush's illegal oil war.

Ah, but this deal isn't going down as smoothly as the last few adoptions/births. Sources say Brad was against adding a 7th kid to the brood, and Angie went ahead without him. People with knowledge of the situation say only Angelina's name is on the adoption papers.

Numerous questions arise in the wake of this news. 1: What color is an Iraqi refugee baby officially and how does this affect the legendary balance? 2: How long before Brad putters off on his motorcycle to find a piece of ass who isn't a deranged baby hoarder? 3: At what point does Shiloh begin her bid to become legally emancipated? 4: How will Octomom react to this shocking news? For that matter, how will Balloon Boy react? 5: When will I stop repeating these silly, unfounded rumors as if they were fact?

Richard Heene Is An Insane Dirtbag

The problem with garnering massive media attention for perpetrating an unsuccessful hoax is all the dredging up of your past that goes on.

Richard Heene is finding this out the hard way. For instance, everyone now knows that Heene was jailed in 1997 for vandalism.

And everyone now knows that Heene believes human beings are descended from lizard-like aliens, and that some of said aliens still reside on the earth, in Arizona to be precise.

And everyone knows that, though Heene calls himself a scientist, he never even graduated from college.

I suppose Heene thinks these revelations are a small price to pay for notoriety. He is shameless.

Not Gonna Skate

Richard Heene aka Father of Balloon Boy thought he was going to put his little publicity scam over on everyone, but now it looks like that's not going to happen after all.

At last, the cops in Colorado have moved off their "we believe him" stance and are exploring bringing charges against Heene, professional storm-chaser, Wife Swapper and media-duping dickface.

"We do anticipate at some point in the future, there will be some criminal charges filed with regards to this incident," the Larimar County Sheriff said, adding, "What those charges may be, as I stated yesterday, what we we're looking at is Class 3 misdemeanor, which hardly seems serious enough given the circumstances."

The Sheriff said the feds will be consulted to see what other charges might be brought against Heene, who has spent the last several days milking his and his kids' celebrity for all it's worth.

Want to get true justice? Don't throw Heene in jail - just bar him from ever appearing on television again. That's the worst thing you could do to this steaming load of maggot-eaten fecal matter.

Balloon Boy Pukes On Live TV

Balloon Boy continues to charm us with his adorable antics. Yesterday it was hiding in an attic for hours while we watched the balloon he wasn't in sail across Colorado, this morning it was blowing chunks while Anne Curry attempted to interview his dipshit father on the Today Show. What will Balloon Boy do for an encore? Write his name in the snow with pee while armpit-farting The Stars and Stripes Forever? I can't wait.

Busted

Balloon Boy Falcon Heene's mother and father wasted no time setting up an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer. Only problem: dad forgot to drill little Falcon in what he was supposed to say. So, when daddy asked Falcon why he hid in the attic when he heard mommy and daddy calling, Falcon blurted out, "You said we did it for the show."

Of course Wolf Blitzer, being the big-time journalist he isn't, didn't even bother pressing the question, but went on letting the asshole reality show jerk-off Heenes use him like a bitch. How does that bearded pile-of-shit sleep at night?

Police have said they don't believe the Heenes are guilty of a hoax, but the case is "still open." Uh-huh.

RIP Balloon Boy (The Obit I Would've Posted)

The obit for Balloon Boy I was all ready to post when they found his little body:

Aviation enthusiast and child rapper Balloon Boy has gone to that great Chuck E. Cheeze's in the sky. His parents might want to start looking for legal representation.

We'll never forget you, Balloon Boy. And the horribly inappropriate comments we made about you all day on Twitter.

Turned out Balloon Boy wasn't dead - he was just hiding in the attic above the garage. Thank you mainstream media for once again demonstrating your inability to put facts before sensationalism.

Balloon Boy Captures America's Sadistic Heart

I've been sitting here all afternoon watching the saga of Balloon Boy play out on CNN. In case you missed it, a 6-year-old Colorado kid allegedly climbed into his storm-chasing parents' experimental helium balloon and floated away. America spent the next couple hours watching helicopter footage of the soaring balloon, until it finally landed in a field.

That was when we discovered that Balloon Boy was not in the balloon.

Either Balloon Boy fell out at some point during the flight, or he was never in the balloon in the first place.

So, millions of people wasted a whole afternoon watching footage of an empty balloon flying over Colorado.

As of this writing, the Balloon Boy story remains unresolved. It's possible he did fly off in the balloon and fall out, in which case, he is dead. It's also possible the whole thing was a hoax cooked up by his publicity-hungry parents, who once appeared on the reality show Wife Swap.

In which case, we need to find those fuckers and burn them alive.

Follow the further unfolding of the Balloon Boy saga via Crabbie's Twitter.