O'Toole At Venus Screening

No, it's not a fossil exhibit - it's movie legend Peter O'Toole attending a screening of his new film Venus. Old people normally only look this clean and snazzy when they're leaving the rest home for a shuttle-trip to the Indian casino. He's probably holding a whole big plastic beverage cup full of nickels.

Sylvester Stallone Is Your Elderly Uncle

Sly Stallone attends the premiere of Rocky Balboa in Spain. "Hey, can I get another rib over here? These are delicious. Hey Bobby, Bobby come over here. Pull my finger. Go on, just do it. Ha. Hey, Jenny. Get your uncle Sly another beer, okay? Damn. Your mom's ass is looking hot. Oh, shit. Did I say that out loud?"

Two Short, Bald Guys Hangin'

Here's a riddle for you kiddies: What's the difference between Sly Stallone and Bruce Willis? Give up?

Willis admits he has no hair.

I slay me.

The Old Fart and the Governor

Arnold Schwarzenegger congratulates Clint Eastwood upon his induction into the California Hall of Fame. I hope he didn't grip Clint's hand too hard. Cause Eastwood's bones are about like chalk by now.

Crabbie's Showdowns: Old Chicks Who Need to Put it Away Now

Contestant # 1: Sharon Stone

"What are you gonna do? Charge me with being a hag?"

Well Sharon, if the law will allow it...

Contestant #2: Elle Macpherson


Can you get osteoporosis in your nipples?

Wait a minute. I've been told we have a couple of late entries...

Mystery Contestants:


Well, they're not chicks. But they are old. Really old. And sun-damaged. And senile.

And the winners are:

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid!

Way to go, old farts. You managed to make those two geriatric skanks Stone and Macpherson look attractive by comparison.

Jimmy Buffett: Club Kid?

Jimmy Buffett has moved out of Margaritaville and into Ecstasyland.

While on his way to St. Tropez, Buffett, a musical hero to middle-aged Bermuda-shorts wearing heterosexuals, was caught by French authorities with more than 100 tabs of ecstasy in his luggage. The cops let Buffett off with a $380 fine.

According to Buffett's spokesperson, the ecstasy was not ecstasy at all but an unnamed prescription medication.

Sure. And I suppose Buffett wasn't mixing the stuff that wasn't ecstasy with those blue pills of his that weren't Viagra.

Be careful Jimmy. You can get a permanent erection from that shit. And I don't mean the one Jack Nicholson only seems to have. I mean a real one.

Allen Wins $95,000 From Doumanian. Yeah, Like Jean Doumanian Has 95 Grand.

The little pissing match earlier this year between Woody Allen and his old producer Jean Doumanian has resulted in Doumanian being forced to cough up $95,000 in legal fees and other penalties. The unpleasantness between the former friends resulted from a disagreement over how to cut some of Allen's movies for TV presentation, Doumanian electing to dub in new words in place of swears while Allen preferred bleeping (someone should look into bleeping out all of Celebrity, and blacking out the image too while they're at it). In 2001, Allen accused Doumanian and her personal assistant, Jacqui Safra, of screwing him out of $12 million dollars in earnings from his films (must've been a lot of films to add up to $12 million), and won an undisclosed settlement in 2002. Now that the latest case has been settled, Allen can return to boning his daughter, who I heard just graduated from junior high, and drooling over Scarlett Johansson on the side, while Doumanian goes back to selling Pakistani kids scraps of her underwear so she can buy booze.

(source)