Snappy Dresser

Dear Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: if you want to be taken seriously as a world leader, you're going to need to step it up in the clothing department. At least get yourself a clip-on. That look you went with in your victory speech - that look doesn't say "I'm the President of Iran," it says "I'm a math teacher enjoying my day off in the home improvement section of Barnes & Noble. Later I will hit the food court and get myself a bean burrito."

Actually, maybe it's appropriate that Mahmoud didn't go with the "I'm the President of Iran" look since, in fact, he isn't. Many people in Iran, at least, don't believe he is. Especially the young people who voted for somebody else because they're sick of living under a tyrannical regime that seems hell-bent on alienating every other responsible nation on Earth (Americans know the feeling after 8 years of George the Clueless). The anti-Mahmoud people over there believe the election was rigged, and they're spitting mad about it. And what could've tipped them off that there was something funny going on with the vote count? The fact that Mahmoud won by an unrealistic landslide margin, for one thing. But what really gave it away was when Katherine Harris was spotted getting into Ahmadinejad's armored Saab. They knew they were screwed then.

Of course there's nothing the protesters or anyone else can do about it: Ahmadinejad is the president, and they'll just have to learn to live with that. Unless they'd like to take matters into their own hands and blow the monkey-looking motherfucker into small pieces. If America had any clue, we'd have covert people over there right now helping them bring this about. We'd do a Salvador Allende job on him. Or even better: a Moe Green job. Shoot him through the eye while he's getting a massage. Unfortunately, America doesn't have that kind of finesse anymore. All we know how to do is roll tanks in, then stand around and wonder why everyone hates our guts. The only people we can deal with anymore are scared shitless, half-witted teenage pirates armed with rusty AKs. Anything more challenging than that and we're like Ashlee Simpson with a Rubik's cube. We don't even know where the fuck to start.

Cruise Control

Cruise Control. That's clever right? Eh...I got nothing on this. I didn't watch the video. You can if you want. Hey, you guys saw that dude throw his shoes at Bush, right? God damn, that's one crazy fucker. The shoe-thrower I mean. He's lucky that pussy Barack Obama is coming into office soon, otherwise he would've been in a world of hurt. Dick Cheney-style hurt. Waterboarding. Skin-peeling. High cholesterol. Face-shooting. All that stuff.

Iraqis Can't Throw For Shit

Some Iraqi doof chucked his shoes at George Bush during a press conference in Baghdad. Good thing it wasn't Richard Reid or there might've been real trouble. Check out the reflexes on Bush too. Not bad for an old man.

Dear Michelle Obama...

I like tomatoes too, but I don't go around dressing like them.

Dear Laura Bush: Your potatoes called, they want their sack back.

Fey As Palin, Ferrell As Bush

Could've been funnier. They're going softer on Palin since she was on their show, no?

She's Not Bush...

Sarah Palin has that annoying little Bush thing where she can't pronounce "nuclear" but says "nucular" instead. Obviously the woman is an idiot - but the Republicans still hope they can divest her of this particular Bushian verbal tick (anything that reminds us of Bush is of course bad). Rush & Molloy report that Sarah's people have even begun loading a phonetic spelling of "nuclear" into her teleprompter to remind her. Well, she can read off a teleprompter - the same as all those imbeciles on Fox News. At least she has a fall-back career after she and McLame get their asses kicked by Barack The Messiah Obama and Joe The Irish Pitbull Biden.

But Can She Spell Potato?

I didn't watch much of Sarah Palin's Republican Convention speech from last night. I don't need to sit there at home and listen to a bunch of right-wing malarkey spewing from a vapid airhead. I can get the same crap listening to Sean Hannity or walking into any local tavern and sitting down with the first group of guys in camouflage vests. The only thing Sarah Palin has going for her is her hair-stylist. The Fox News/Bill Kristol/Ann Coulter crowd is of course gushing about this woman anyway - they think they've found their young, dynamic, inspiring answer to Barack Obama. I'm no Obama Kool Aid drinker but comparing this empty hair-do to him is an insult. As far as I'm concerned, Sarah Palin is George W. Bush with tits. A vaguely charming person with nothing in her brain, who's ripe to be molded and shaped by whatever wing of the Republican party holds power. The game plan is obvious: Get McCain and her into office, let McCain have his four years so he can shuffle off to the nursing home, then find some grizzled old Dick Cheney-type to latch onto Sarah and let him coattail her into a VP spot from which he can pull the world's strings. Hell, Cheney himself isn't even 70 yet - let him take four years off to recharge his batteries then give him another eight. Meanwhile, Sarah can distract everyone with her adorable tales of family life at the White House. It'll be so great - unless you're an Iranian.

Serious Now

Thug Putin is done simply bombing Georgia...now he's begun the invasion. Russian forces have already taken the city of Gori, birthplace of Joseph Stalin, and the Georgians have fallen back to the capital of Tbilisi. Georgian soldiers stationed in Iraq (they're part of the Coalition of the Bribed) are being flown back to their country by the U.S. We're making them pay for gas right? I may have underestimated Putin...I didn't think he'd go this far. Apparently he means to take over the whole country. There's a highly vital oil pipeline running through it plus the Russians don't like that Georgia wants into NATO. I guess that's what it boils down to other than a bunch of flag-draped gangsters wanting to prove how tough they are by cuffing around a smaller, weaker nation.

Remember the good old days when America could still take a legitimate moral stance in a situation like this? Now we can't. Iraq has destroyed our credibility for at least a generation. That's George Bush's legacy. The Obama-heads probably think their guy could fix all this just by the force of his Obamaness. I don't know what McCain would do...maybe scramble the bombers. I wonder what Angelina's solution is. Maybe she could suck Putin off. Come on Angelina...do it for the cheeeeeldren.

Seems Like Old Times...

Dick-swinging Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin has flown into Vladikavkaz to be closer to the action in South Ossetia and Georgia. You mutts who live with your heads up your butts may not know that the Russians have been bombing the shit out of Georgia and driving tanks in and blockading and all that other war-like stuff. Yes, there is a world outside of what Britney is doing with her snatch today.

Putin is such a chest-thumping gorilla it makes me kind of laugh. It should be no shock that Bush could look into this fucker's eyes and know all about him...they're basically the same type. And hey, if Bush can invade Iraq just for giggles and oil profits, why can't Putin order air strikes on civilians in Georgia? You've got all those bombs sitting around...might as well use them.

Unfortunately, I'm certain cooler heads will prevail and the Rooskies will pull out. Putin is just feeling around to see how much he can get away with...he's not ready to go all-out on this thing. I still say Reagan should've made a faintly glowing lunar landscape out of Russia when he had the chance, but I suppose they would've just retaliated and fucked the hell out of Canada and Mexico with all their off-target shit. Obama should have fun dealing with these crazy fuckers while George is down in Crawford driving his new bulldozer.

Links Links Links

Wacky celebrity photoshop. Remove sword, insert lightsaber.

Video teaches Hong Kong kids how not to poo in the swimming pool. Somebody get a copy of this to Fergie, stat.

Judd Apatow named Comedy Person of the Year. Whoever decided that has obviously never seen Pequena doing Amy Winehouse.

The Dirty Disher likes her some Johnny Depp. Who doesn't, really?

Jebbica lives out Crabbie's dream...being entirely buried in popcorn.

Kitten raised by dogs. Just what it sounds like.

I have no interest in a movie called Zombie Strippers.

Bush biographers think the script for Oliver Stone's W. is full of crap. An Oliver Stone movie that's full of crap? Get outta town...