This Is Why We Love You Tom

Tom Cruise is a very rich man. He could hire someone like Rachel Zoe or Ken Paves to tell him how to dress, how to do his hair, how to walk even. But he refuses, and why? Because whatever he's done has worked for him so far. So, why should he change?

Dork works for Tom. Dork will always work for Tom. Dork is what Tom is.

Her One True Friend

Everyone dumps Jessica Simpson - except Ken Paves. Ken's got to sexy her up again so she can go land herself another hunk...who will quickly realize that tits ain't everything.

"How come you don't like my vagina Ken? You'd be my perfect boyfriend. We could dress each other up like dolls and eat Chunky Monkey all night long until we pass out. Maybe I could buy a nice strap-on. I promise I won't talk too much. They all say I talk too much."

Ken Paves Takes One In The Face

Ken Paves is used to getting hit in the face - just not with cameras. Yeah, poor dude was out with his girl Jessica Simpson when the paps swarmed them and got him right in the mush with a wayward piece of equipment. He looks stunned there. Then later he realized he'd have a sexy scar and it didn't bother him so much. Jessica still doesn't know what happened. "How come you're in the hospital? Does my hair look good? I think my tits are too shiny." I feel sorry for Ken - not because of this incident, but just because.

Ken Paves Works on Jessica Simpson

What is the photographer trying to say here. That Jessica Simpson is like a mannequin? Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Jessica Simpson's Expensive Kuwait Trip

Jessica Simpson is in Kuwait entertaining the troops. The trip was touted by the Simpson publicity machine (aka Papa Joe and his cell phone) as some kind of charity excursion that would feature Jessica roughing it, and even sleeping in a barracks.

If the idea of Jessica bunking in a tent sounds like a load of bullshit, it's because it is. According to sources, Jessica is shacking up in a nice clean hotel room like always. And of course she has her whole entourage with her, including Ken Paves, who charges $10,000/day.

Jessica was not flown in via military transport either...she had a private plane that cost $150,000. It's still not clear who will be paying for all this by the way. Jessica's performance is supposed to be streaming on MySpace (it may already have happened for all I know or care), but MySpace is also apparently not picking up the tab.

Neither are Jessica or Papa Joe...in fact, Joe plans on making money off the deal, by taking pictures of Jess playing her one song (that's all she's scheduled to do) and peddling them to celeb rags. If Joe's taking the pics, you can be there will be plenty of close-up T&A shots.

A Couple Of Zeroes

Ken Paves and Jessica Simpson. "This is how I cut hair. Snip snip snip. Except I use real scissors and not my fingers. Cause my fingers ain't sharp enough."

So Jessica's given up on sex entirely and is just hanging with Ken Paves now? I bet he'd give it to her in the ass, if she got him drunk enough.