She's Finally Given Up

Someone finally convinced Jessica Simpson that there was no point holding out hope for her dog Daisy who was taken by a coyote. No Jessica, the coyote did not want to just be friends. It ate Daisy. You understand? Like when you go to the restaurant and eat ribs. Daisy got all chewed up like that except for the bones. And then the coyote went off and shat Daisy in the bushes. Just like when you poop in the bed cause you think it's sexy. Except your poop isn't full of dog. Probably.

The Daisy Drama Reaches Day Three (Or Is This Day Four? Eh, Fuck It)

It's been several days since Jessica Simpson's dog Daisy was snatched by a hungry coyote that had no idea who it was fucking with.

So far, the search for Daisy has turned up nothing, not even an ear or a paw or a "Please Help Me" note scratched into a tree. But Jessica is not giving up...no matter how many people inform her of the futility of her efforts.

"Still holding out hope despite the assholes that say is it a dumb thing to do," Jessica tweeted in response to the haters. "Daisy is my baby...why would I stop searching? I'm a mom."

Aw, that's touching. You go Jessica. Don't listen to those jerks who keep saying Daisy is nothing but a fart in the wind by now. Keep combing the woods. Keep stapling posters to telephone poles. Keep signaling with your flashlight. Keep praying to the great coyote god and leaving him offerings of dynamite and anvils and special super-strong ACME glue.

Daffy bitch.

Oh My God, It's Not A Joke

Jessica Simpson is not having us on. Her dog actually did get taken by a coyote.

Yesterday I suggested, in jest, that Jessica should hire professionals to help her find the dog. Well guess what? She actually has hired professionals to help her find the dog.

She has procured the services of something called FindToto.com, which has sent out phone calls to everyone who lives in her vicinity, asking them to help find the dog.

So far, nada.

Jessica has, reportedly, not yet abandoned hope. Even though the dog is surely, by now, little more than a pile of steaming coyote shit.

Jessica thinks Daisy stood a good chance of escaping the coyote because, in her words, "she is fast." She must also be pretty strong, to get away from the coyote's jaws in the first place.

Maybe she thinks the coyote was part of some coyote kidnapping ring? This can't get funnier.

Dear God, Can You Please Leave Jessica Alone For Awhile?

Jessica Simpson is in yet another emotional tailspin after seeing her dog Daisy carried off by a wily predator.

"A coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes," Jessica tweeted. "HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!"

Help how? By praying? Cause that's about all anyone can do right now for Daisy. Unless that particular coyote is into catch-and-release.

The goofiness of this story has prompted some cynical bastards to suggest that this is in fact Jessica's idea of a joke. Does the picture that goes with the tweet provide a hint?


I don't know. It seems like it could be some weird attempt at humor. Then again, this is Jessica Simpson we're talking about. She may simply be dumb enough to think posting such a picture on Twitter has a chance at helping her save her dog from a coyote.

Maybe she should hire a psychic to get in touch with the coyote. Or procure the services of a hostage negotiating expert and have him go in with a bullhorn and try to reason with the coyote.

Or, maybe she should do like a normal person: Have a cry, wipe her eyes, and get a new fucking dog.

Jessica Biel Is Destroying The Internet

According to internet security experts, Jessica Biel is the celebrity most favored by virus-spreaders seeking to hijack searches. A new report says a full one out of five Biel searches leads the innocent Googler to a site that propagates malware.

It's just like I've always though: Jessica Biel is ruining the internet. Nay, the world.

Experts say Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston, Tom Brady and Jessica Simpson are the other most-favored celebs by hackers and other web troublemakers. Conspicuous by her absence on this list is Angelina Jolie. Which leads me to believe that Angelina is in charge of the hackers.

The White Paula

From Page 6: Joe Simpson is trying to sell American Idol on the idea of replacing Paula Abdul with his dumb-ass daughter Jessica. I've barely ever watched American Idol, but don't you at least have to be able to speak in complete sentences to be a judge on that show? Don't you have to know at least a little bit about good singing? Don't you have to be more than a pair of tits hovering a foot above a pair of cut-offs?

Boob Shaker

Jessica Simpson has tweeted about the horror of experiencing Monday's Tokyo earthquake which registered a 6.5 on the Richter scale.

thought i was hallucinating durning a 6.6 earthquake in japan. i have never felt anything like this in my life. laying in bed watching cnn.

Jessica was completely hysterical, until someone reassured her that the earthquake hadn't woken up Godzilla.

Her One True Friend

Everyone dumps Jessica Simpson - except Ken Paves. Ken's got to sexy her up again so she can go land herself another hunk...who will quickly realize that tits ain't everything.

"How come you don't like my vagina Ken? You'd be my perfect boyfriend. We could dress each other up like dolls and eat Chunky Monkey all night long until we pass out. Maybe I could buy a nice strap-on. I promise I won't talk too much. They all say I talk too much."

Tony Romo Is All Heart

Tony Romo has gotten sick of playing with Jessica Simpson's milkbags and decided to dump her. Funny thing about this one: reportedly, Romo told Simpson to take a hike the day before her birthday. Well, I guess that's better than waiting until the day of her actual birthday. "Wow, this is some tasty-looking cake Jessica. By the way, I never want to see your stupid face again. We're through. Oh, there's pin the tail on the donkey? Shit, I should've waited."

A friend of Jessica's says, "She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it's been difficult lately. He's busy with his career and she's getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways."

Sure, anal is fun for awhile, but eventually a guy wants to stick it in the other hole. Or someone else's other hole.

Way To Go Jess

Jessica Simpson looks much less fat than she did for awhile there. She's so hot, Tony Romo has to hold down his big hard-on to keep from accidentally spearing Tiger Woods. Or maybe wants to spear Tiger Woods, I don't fucking know.

Don't Get Our Hopes Up...

Pete Wentz has grown so tired of media scrutiny that he sometimes thinks of packing up his woman and his kid and leaving the spotlight behind. "Sometimes I think Ashlee and I should do Newlyweds 2, take that fuck-you money and move to an island somewhere. Just disappear," said Wentz. But of course he'll never do it because he's a media-whore just like his buddy John Mayer. Even if he did move to an island (don't bring Jessica or her fat ass will sink the boat), he'd probably have cameras set up all over the place so he could stream video and pictures of himself back to Harvey Levin at TMZ. Harvey loves Pete's pictures. Especially the ones where Pete and Mayer are sucking each other off. You don't think they exist?

Jessica Simpson Boards The Fat Train To Fatville

Guess the butt.


That's why Jessica's so sad...cause she's got a blubber-butt. And Tony Romo just dumped her for a cheerleader. She'll be spending the next month on Pete and Ashlee's couch shoving assorted cream-filled confections down her maw and not bothering to get up to shit. Sad stupid wretch.

Call Sarah McLachlan

Daisy looks like one of those sad dogs in the Sarah McLachlan commercial that turns me into a blubbering heap after about two seconds. Well, cheer up Daisy. Things could be worse for you. You could've gotten eaten by a coyote like one of Paris's dogs. Dang, Tony Romo doesn't look that happy either. Maybe he also needs rescuing. Jessica, you fucking bitch, do you only exist to spread misery?

Theologian

Jessica Simpson has a hankering to take up theology - an idea that got planted in her head thanks to a certain well-known religion-related conspiracy theory. "I've been contemplating taking a college course in religion," Jessica told Marie Claire. "I love religion. I remember whenever the book The Da Vinci Code came out, the Discovery Channel did this three-night piece on it that I TiVoed and then watched eight times." I'd say Jess is just about in the IQ range of the typical Da Vinci Code freak - those idiots who go on those tours and get laughed at by the Frenchies. I don't know about her plan to study theology though. She might be better served taking up something that can help her career-wise in the future - like hair dressing, or dog grooming, or getting picked up in bars by ex-athletes who don't care that a bitch is a little used up as long as she has nice hooters and will let them cum in her face.

Ashlee Simpson No Longer Pregnant

Our long national nightmare is over - Ashlee Simpson finally had her baby. The longest pregnancy since Minnie Driver's ended Thursday night when Simpson forced 7 lb., 11 oz. Bronx Mowgli Wentz - not making that up - through her birth canal and into the cold, cold light of the world. Pete Wentz is said be hysterical with joy. Almost gay over it. Ashlee is just grateful for the drugs. Papa Joe will commence ruining the child's life as soon as he can get away from burying his face in Jessica's tits.

Ken Paves Takes One In The Face

Ken Paves is used to getting hit in the face - just not with cameras. Yeah, poor dude was out with his girl Jessica Simpson when the paps swarmed them and got him right in the mush with a wayward piece of equipment. He looks stunned there. Then later he realized he'd have a sexy scar and it didn't bother him so much. Jessica still doesn't know what happened. "How come you're in the hospital? Does my hair look good? I think my tits are too shiny." I feel sorry for Ken - not because of this incident, but just because.

Starved For Yuks

Jessica Simpson's new film Major Movie Star debuted in Russia as the #1 movie in the country. The film stars Simpson as a washed-up film actress who enlists in the army...hmm, dippy blonde rich girl hits rock-bottom and enters the military. That doesn't sound the least bit like a certain Goldie Hawn vehicle from the early '80s. What the hell is going on in Russia that this thing would be their #1 movie? I almost feel sorry for them. It's been a bad year for them, between this, their little war with Georgia and having Sarah Palin constantly spying on them from her porch.

Expansive Vocabulary

Jessica Simpson doesn't want to talk about being pregnant. She sucks Tony Romo's ass with that mouth?

Dimbulb

"Somebody wanna turn down that big shiny light in the sky? It's hurtin' my eyes."

Big Number

Jessica Simpson bought a new shirt to celebrate finally learning the next number after 8. Alternate: Jessica Simpson's shirt keeps track of her mental age.