Scarlett Johansson Pulls a J-Lo, Gets Left Home from Cannes

Woody Allen's latest movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona premiered Saturday at Cannes to a standing ovation...but star Scarlett Johansson wasn't there to experience it.

Scarlett, it turns out, was back in New York while Woody and her co-stars Rebecca Hall and Penelope Cruz soaked up all the adulation at the world's most famous film festival. Did Scarlett have a cold? Was there a scheduling conflict?

No...in fact, Scarlett had every intention of being at Cannes with her doting director and fellow actors. Unfortunately, Ms. Johansson laid a load of absurd demands on the film studio, and rather than shell out the cash to keep Scarlett happy, the studio simply left her behind.

It wasn't that the studio was playing cheap either: They were already paying for flights, hotels, limos, clothes, hair and make-up. This wasn't good enough for Scarlett, who objected to having to share stylists with Penelope Cruz and Rebecca Hall, and demanded the studio pony up 20,000 additional Euros for her to have her own personal beauty staff for 4 days.

And then there was the hotel. Woody and the other actors were booked into a place in the center of Cannes to facilitate getting to events...but Scarlett apparently didn't want to deal with the paparazzi, and demanded to be put up in a place outside of town, an arrangement that would've thrown everyone else's schedules out-of-whack.

The troubles with Scarlett apparently didn't sit well with her drooling surrogate father Woody Allen. "...while Woody's terribly fond of Scarlett," a source said, "he was a little upset that she wasn't being a team player."

Of course, Woody's blind adoration of Scarlett is half the reason she has such a big head in the first place. Maybe one day he will wake up and realize she's only a mediocre actress, and will cease mindlessly adding to her over-validation issues.

By the way...it doesn't appear Scarlett was missed much in Cannes.

"Nobody cared she wasn't there," said one catty New York socialite in town for the festival. "The movie belonged to Penelope and Rebecca anyway with great help from Javier [Bardem]."

In fact, early reviews of the film speak highly of the comic rapport between Cruz and Bardem, who play a fiercely bickering couple, and apparently improvised most of their Spanish dialogue. Scarlett? Most critics agree that Woody and his movie would be better off without her.

Trailer for Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Trailer for Woody Allen's new movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona. I'm sure Woody didn't have any ulterior motives when shooting the Scarlett Johansson/Penelope Cruz lesbo stuff.

Penelope Cruz May Be A Scientologist

You can take the woman away from the Scientologist, but you can't take the Scientologist out of the woman. Or, actually, yeah - you can take the Scientologist out of the woman. If the woman isn't going out with the Scientologist anymore, then he has to get out of her. And find someone else to go inside who's a little more suggestible. What the hell am I talking about? Penelope Cruz - she used to go out with Tom Cruise but then they broke up. Apparently, however, Penelope didn't quite break up with Tom's nutty "religion" Scientology. According to reports, Penelope still spends time at Scientology's Celebrity Center in L.A. when she's in town. What does this have to do with anything? I don't know. It just means Penelope Cruz is probably a Scientologist. Does this make her more or less hot? Don't know. At any rate, here's a little Scientology primer for those not conversant with the religion's loopy beliefs:

Somebody Buy Orlando A Comb

Orlando Bloom, Leo DiCaprio and Penelope Cruz pose together at the Global Green USA pre-Oscar benefit for global warming. Bloom pays tribute to nature by impersonating a cactus.

So we've got two Oscar nominees here and...Orlando Bloom. Well, at least he has his youth, and his looks, and eventually he may learn how to fix his hair. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to win any Oscars though. Guy's about as dynamic as roadkill. Seriously, I've seen squashed raccoons that had more personality. "Hey, scrape that critter up and sign him. Boy's got something."

By the way - two of the three people in this picture like having sex with women. And Orlando isn't one of them.

Penelope In Her Gym Stuff

She's practicing her Oscar speech (for when she doesn't win Best Actress):

"First I'd like to thank Pedro Almodovar for making such a wonderful movie. If it weren't for Pedro, I would not be here right now. I would also like to thank Pedro Almodovar, without whom I would be nothing more than a second-rate actress with a fabulous rack. And I would also like to thank my rack for being so fabulous. And lastly, I want to thank Pedro Almodovar for being the greatest gay director in the world, except for Ron Howard. Oh, wait, I wasn't supposed to say that. Oh well, sorry Ron. But hey, at least now you won't have to lie about your affair with the Fonz anymore..."

The Critics' Choice Awards Bring Out The She-Males And Boring People

The Critics' Choice Awards happened last night. A bunch of boring shit like Little Miss Sunshine and Dreamgirls won some statues. But that's not what we care about, is it? No. We want to see what people were wearing and what their hair looked like. Miss Penelope Cruz, for example. Now there's a beauty. And she didn't even go too heavy on the raccoon-look last night. She was more of a ferret or perhaps a prairie dog.

It's Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling. Are they married yet or still engaged or thinking about getting engaged or just living in sin? I don't know. And I don't really care. I find both of them tedious. Rachel with her stupid pink hair, trying desperately to not seem like the most boring chick on the face of the earth. And Gosling with his serious-actor affectations and his Gordon Gekko slick-back. To borrow a phrase befitting Rachel's hair: Gag me with a spoon (like fersure).

Okay, Jennifer - we all know you're a goofball. We've seen it, and we sort of like it. So why, whenever you appear at these awards shows and things, do you feel it necessary to adopt that dopey, hard-core Alias thing? I mean honestly. Look at your face Jennifer. You don't seem bad-ass. You look like you tasted something funny and now you're trying to hold down your puke until you can run to the bathroom. Stop it. I'm serious.

I don't know what to make of Jessica Biel. Certain parts of her body appear quite feminine, while others would seem more at-home on someone who played defensive end for some hideous NFL team. It's strange to me that a girl as pretty as Jessica would aspire to have the upper-arms of Lou Ferrigno. And as for that ass. I'm sorry, but that ass is fake. That is an implant situation. This bitch has more space-age polymers in her body than a whole roomful of strippers.

More Art of Elysium Auction Pics

The Dolce & Gabbana/Penelope Cruz-hosted charity auction for The Art of Elysium turned into a showcase for sad-looking bitches. Seriously, they should've given out handfuls of Paxil and Zoloft at the door. Here's a sampling of the unhappiness:

Ashley Olsen radiates misery. I think this chick has been reading too much Sylvia Plath (The slime of all my yesterdays/rots in the hollow of my skull - uplifting shit, Sylvia).

Ooh, goody. It's Mischa Barton. She always peps everything up, with her fake smiles and beaten-puppy-eyes.

"You know, I'm tired of being on this TV show. I think I'll go out and pursue other opportunities."

Good move, hon.

It's the new-and-improved non-alcoholic Linsday Lohan. Looks a lot like the old alcoholic Lindsay if you ask me.

Gosh, I hope Al Gore didn't show up at the auction. If Lindsay gets any more obsessed with him, there's going to be a boiling rabbit situation.