But Will They Keep The Zither?

There's a rumor floating around that Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire mean to team up with Eastern Promises screenwriter Steven Knight for a remake of the Orson Welles/Carol Reed classic The Third Man. The original tells the story of a bewildered pulp novelist (Joseph Cotten) who finds himself at the center of post-war Viennese intrigues involving a shadowy criminal (Welles) and a mysterious depressed babe (Alida Valli). One assumes the remake would too, unless Knight is planning some kind of wild deviation possibly involving Russian mobsters and awesome naked fistfights.

I am in favor of naked fistfights. In fact, my dream for this movie is Leo and Tobey getting butt-naked and slapping each other silly with their dicks.

I can already hear the stodgy movie purists moaning about this one, especially that old fart Roger Ebert who probably still has The Third Man among his ten greatest movies of all-time even though its crazy baroque-thriller quality feels totally forced. Well, quit your bellyaching, classic movie snobs. If Leo and Tobey want to tread where the Holy Welles once planted his fat, smelly feet, let them. Would you rather watch Leo haul his ever-thickening frame through Back to the Beach? Would you prefer to sit through The Cider House Rules 2: More Sickeningly Earnest Voice Overs and Caucasian Self-Congratulation Plus a Bunch of Abortions Just for Kicks? Didn't think so.

Soon This Won't Be Cute Anymore

Leonardo DiCaprio is 34. Right on that fine line where playah behavior stops being youthful and cool and starts being creepy and sweaty and pathetic. He'll know he's finished when that wonderful day comes that he hits on a 20-year-old skank and she's like, "Leonardo who?"

Leo Will Be Dipping Back Into The Vapid Twat Pool

Leonardo DiCaprio has broken up with his swimsuit model girlfriend Bar Rafaeli, according to People. "They're taking time off for the time being, they've split," a source said. "It could just end up as a break but for now they're doing their own thing."

Where oh where will Leo ever find another girl as great as Bar? She was perfect for him. She never made a peep, her hair was always shiny and, no matter how far he threw the stick, she would always run and get it.

10 Years Is A Long Time

They were an adorable couple in Titanic 10 years ago. And now? They're the people you avoid at parties.

Hamm And The Hameater

You can tell Jon Hamm hasn't been at it long - he looks like he just got caught pinching stationary. Leonardo needs to give him some pointers on how to look suave in front of a camera. Okay, that's not really suave - it's more smug. Wow, where did the hot go Leo? You're fading fast. Now get the hell out of the shot - there's a real man we all want to look at. Don Fucking Draper. Yeah baby.

No, It's Brad Pitt

You might be forgiven for thinking this was Leonardo DiCaprio - but the hat gives away that it's Brad Pitt. The picture on the notebook is Barack Obama. Brad is carefully studying one side of the presidential race so he can make an informed decision come November. Angelina still hasn't made up her mind between Juggy and Mummy-Arms (I like it better than Crip-Arms). A buck says she ends up writing in herself.

Fatheads

Never thought I'd live to say this but Leonardo DiCaprio seems like an even bigger asswipe than Russell Crowe. Russell may be a phone-throwing little cunt but at least he doesn't preach at us like Leo. Blood Diamonds. Like I give a fuck about slave labor in Africa. Somebody's gotta dig the shits out, don't they? Paying people fair wages just jacks up the price. How the hell am I supposed to afford a new diamond-encrusted toaster cozy then, huh Leo? Go fuck supermodels and leave the rest of us alone, okay you smug little punk?

Leo Free To Play The Field

Playboy actor Leonardo Dicaprio has broken up with his slightly retarded-looking model/draft-dodger girlfriend Bar Rafaeli. The split is reported to have been amicable - the two just decided they didn't want to see each other anymore.

All this happened after Bar was spotted going around with surfer Kelly Slater, who has also boned Gisele Bundchen and Cameron Diaz. Coincidentally, Leo also used to stick it to Gisele and probably Cameron at some point. And for all I know Leo and Kelly used to go surfing late at night and sometimes there was beer involved and there may have been a little craziness that neither of them really wants to think about.

At any rate, Leo is now free to pursue other retarded-looking models such as Alessandra Ambrosio and Petra Nemcova. Assuming such young idiots even find the thickening, ever-more-self-important Leo attractive anymore.

(source)

Pic From New Leo And Kate Flick

The first still has been released from the new Leonardo DiCaprio/Kate Winslet movie Revolutionary Road. Apparently the film is some kind of drama of a struggling married couple in the '50s. Is this the story of Crabbie's own mom and dad? Not unless it involves a lot of bottles being broken over people's heads, drunken rants and several confrontations over sexual encounters with milk-men. And it wasn't mom having sex with the milk-men by the way.

If you're like Crabbie, you are not thrilled to see Leo and Kate back together. Our last experience with them, that laborious piece of teeny-bopper shit Titanic, was quite enough thanks very much.

Armani Men

Let's play a little game of who's the hottest (with pics from last night's Armani Oscar celebration):

Contestant Number 1 - Clive Owen:

Crabbie loves Clive - he's half a caveman, yet still strangely elegant. Ooh, but is he getting a little paunchy?

Contestant Number 2 - Josh Hartnett:

All right Josh, here's the deal - if you're gonna go casual, go casual. The jeans are fine, but um - the jacket? Why does it look like it's about to stab you in the chin? It almost seems like Josh showed up at the party with his regular old rolled-out-of-bed duds on, and somebody said he needed a jacket, and this was all there was. I want to believe that anyway. Unfortunately, I have a sneaking hunch Josh picked this out for himself. It makes him look like a waiter for the undead.

Contestant number 3 - Leonardo DiCaprio:

See Josh? That's how you do dressed-up-but-not-too-dressed-up. No tie. Unbuttoned collar (but no chest-hair showing). Little chin-stubble. Leo wins.

Somebody Buy Orlando A Comb

Orlando Bloom, Leo DiCaprio and Penelope Cruz pose together at the Global Green USA pre-Oscar benefit for global warming. Bloom pays tribute to nature by impersonating a cactus.

So we've got two Oscar nominees here and...Orlando Bloom. Well, at least he has his youth, and his looks, and eventually he may learn how to fix his hair. I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to win any Oscars though. Guy's about as dynamic as roadkill. Seriously, I've seen squashed raccoons that had more personality. "Hey, scrape that critter up and sign him. Boy's got something."

By the way - two of the three people in this picture like having sex with women. And Orlando isn't one of them.

DiCaprio Dumped

Is Leonardo DiCaprio still a hot item now that he's not "cute meat?" Bar Rafaeli apparently doesn't think so. Because she's dumped him. According to a friend of the Israeli model, Bar finally got sick of Leo's demanding work and party schedule, and has brought an end to their 6-month relationship.

"Bar is a professional model so she has to be healthy and look great every day," said the friend, "so there is no way that she could keep up with that kind of decadent lifestyle. When they were apart she worried about what he was up to and in the end decided it would be easier and less painful just to say enough is enough."

Leo's decadent lifestyle? Now I'm intrigued. I want to know what manner of decadence Leo is engaging in. Lying sprawled on his back while olive-skinned boys feed him grapes? Watching lions maul Christians to death in the arena? What?

And what effect will this break-up have on Leo's activities? According to a friend, none at all:

"Leo was gutted when Bar told him it was over. But he is at the top of his game at the moment and there's no danger of his changing his ways any time soon."

At the top of his game. Did he mean acting-wise? Cause when it comes to sex, Leo is technically past being at the top of his game, since men reach their sexual peak at 18 (although their technique is not so hot yet). And, of course, we don't expect that being dumped by one model is going to cause Leo to reassess his lifestyle. There are lots of models out there, and they seem pretty interchangeable to me. I'm surprised Leo can even keep them straight anymore. I personally couldn't tell a Bar Rafaeli from a Petra Nemcova from an Alessandra Ambrosio. They all have the same dim expression on their faces, and the same scrawny ass and ankle tattoo. Leo should just hit a few runway shows. He can pick up three or four at once and take them all home, stick a few in the closet for later. Don't have to feed them much either. Just shove a tortilla under the door every couple of days and let them split it.

Winslet Says DiCaprio Never Wanted Her

Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio became great romantic stars in Titanic, but the chemistry they had on-screen never translated into any real-life sexual feelings. According to Winslet, they never even flirted:

One of the most wonderful things about the relationship I had with Leonardo DiCaprio is that we were always just friends, not a flicker of flirtation. ... People wanted us to end up together in some way, but the kissing scenes in Titanic were very weird, like I was kissing my brother.

Hmm, Winslet seems pretty cool with the fact that Leo never wanted to do her. Wonder what's up with that? I mean, most women would be at least a little disappointed, don't you think? Unless Winslet doesn't really like men. Which would make her marriage to Sam Mendes a complete sham. But I don't buy that - I think Kate's a dyed-in-the-wool man's-woman. Which means she must be in deep denial about her failure to turn Leo's crank. I'm guessing that, every time they run into each other, it's one of those awkward moments. You know, Leo not wanting to make eye-contact, and Kate pretending to be very composed, asking him how he's doing, babbling about her kids and stuff. Then Kate starts biting her lip, and Leo mumbles something and slinks away, and Kate has to excuse herself and run to the bathroom, and spends the next several minutes staring at herself in the mirror saying, "You're such a fatty. Why are you such a fatty? You fatty fatty fatty..."

Or perhaps Crabbie's imagination is just running away with him again.

(By the way, Angelina wants to ask Kate what's so weird about kissing your brother.)

Leo and Djimon

Oscar nominees Leonardo DiCaprio and Djimon Hounsou attend a foreign premiere of Blood Diamond. Hounsou looks much hunkier than Leo here. In fact, Leo is beginning to look a little like a grizzled old college professor. What he really needs are some tweed jackets with leather patches on the elbows, wire-rimmed glasses and a copy of Gibbon's Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire to carry around. By the way, Crabbie finally got around to seeing Blood Diamond last night. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. DiCaprio was actually pretty entertaining as that scruffy, cynical mercenary guy. However, there was far too much shouting passed off as dramatic intensity, and a bit too much of Jennifer Connelly as the idealistic reporter with her constant lectures and slight Angelina-like self-righteous radiance.

Leonardo In Japan

Leonardo DiCaprio arrives in Japan to promote The Departed, which is apparently now playing there. Despite the sunglasses, it is readily apparent that Leo hasn't been getting any sleep. Perhaps he needs a break from nailing supermodels.