Why Does She Keep Bringing It Up?

Anne Hathaway went on Ellen Degeneres to promote Bride Wars or perhaps because she wants to pry Ellen away from Portia de Rossi (who looks to me like she'd happily knife anyone who fucked with her shit). Somehow the conversation turned to Anne's love life which has been rocky to say the least. Ellen, helpful dyke that she is, offered to find Anne a boyfriend (dyke code for "I'll help you find a lady bodybuilder with a ten-inch tongue"), and Anne replied, "At this point I would just like him to be law abiding," an obvious dig at her ex Raffaello Follieri who is currently in prison for being a con-artist. My question for Anne: Why, sweetie, if this guy caused you so much pain and so endangered your reputation, do you keep mentioning him every time you appear on television or do an interview? I would think that would you rather forget he existed and, more importantly, help your audience forget he existed so they could concentrate instead upon your talent, charm, radiance and luscious titties. Or maybe you want to forever be the chick who fucked the criminal douchebag who pretended to represent the Vatican? Trust me Anne - you don't.

The Wedding of the Week

The above is not a picture from Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi's wedding, but if you want to see pix from that event, all you have to do is pick up a copy of People Magazine starting Friday or click over to their website. I have no idea how much People paid for the privilege of running these photos but I hope it wasn't much. I can't imagine anyone caring about these people and their dumb-ass wedding. They haven't adopted a single African orphan or visited even one refugee camp.

Wedding Pics

Photographic proof that Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi indeed wed over the weekend. Um...or maybe it was Portia and Anne Heche. No, it's Ellen...Anne would never be caught dead dressed like that. Unless the aliens ordered her to.

Divers Take the Plunge

Famous lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Portia De Rossi are getting married tomorrow according to Page 6. "Twenty people were invited," a source said. "Portia is wearing a flowing, form-fitting dress by Zac Posen." No one cares what Ellen's wearing because she's not hot. Hey, it's the 21st Century and everyone can get married in California now. Well, not everyone. I still can't marry my favorite eggplant. Oh eggplant...when will the world accept our love? Maybe we should move to India where anyone can marry anything as long as there's no gayness involved. "Yes, I swear my eggplant is female. See the little vagina?"

Courteney Cox Cook-Out Buzzed By Pap Helicopter

Courteney Cox and David Arquette had a cook-out. Other famous people were there like Portia de Rossi, Ellen Degeneres and, yes, Jennifer Aniston. And Laura Dern was there too...I'm not sure if I should count her as famous anymore. Anyway, they're all sitting there enjoying their grilled Komodo dragon burgers or whatever the fuck rich people eat, when this helicopter comes down with this guy hanging out of it who starts taking pictures. I don't know about you but I'd be climbing into my anti-aircraft turret right about then. I'd bring that sucker down.

About Jennifer Aniston...she wasn't actually invited to the barbecue, but when she heard about it she immediately rushed over. Courteney and David didn't really want her there because she's such a drag but they knew she'd pitch a fit if they didn't let her stay. She's so needy.

Still Together

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi attended a Louis Vuitton gala together last night. So that means they're still a couple. It actually was the dumb dog that had Ellen so despondent a couple weeks ago, not some break-up.

I don't know what you all think of these two, but I've always kind of suspected there was something funny going on. Something about Portia - I don't know, she just looks like the kind of chick who'd really unload on a person physically if given the chance. I think she slaps Ellen around some. I don't know anything - it's just a guess based on the fact that her face annoys me, and Ellen just seems like the kind of sad-sack who'd sit there and let some crazy broad smack the shit out of her.