But Will They Keep The Zither?

There's a rumor floating around that Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire mean to team up with Eastern Promises screenwriter Steven Knight for a remake of the Orson Welles/Carol Reed classic The Third Man. The original tells the story of a bewildered pulp novelist (Joseph Cotten) who finds himself at the center of post-war Viennese intrigues involving a shadowy criminal (Welles) and a mysterious depressed babe (Alida Valli). One assumes the remake would too, unless Knight is planning some kind of wild deviation possibly involving Russian mobsters and awesome naked fistfights.

I am in favor of naked fistfights. In fact, my dream for this movie is Leo and Tobey getting butt-naked and slapping each other silly with their dicks.

I can already hear the stodgy movie purists moaning about this one, especially that old fart Roger Ebert who probably still has The Third Man among his ten greatest movies of all-time even though its crazy baroque-thriller quality feels totally forced. Well, quit your bellyaching, classic movie snobs. If Leo and Tobey want to tread where the Holy Welles once planted his fat, smelly feet, let them. Would you rather watch Leo haul his ever-thickening frame through Back to the Beach? Would you prefer to sit through The Cider House Rules 2: More Sickeningly Earnest Voice Overs and Caucasian Self-Congratulation Plus a Bunch of Abortions Just for Kicks? Didn't think so.

Tobey Maguire's Bitch Will Fuck You Up

Maguire's woman looks hard-ass to me...vaguely truck-driverish, definitely some lesbian stuff in her life at one time. You think she slaps Tobey around? You think he likes it? I think he's a freak. I think he likes stuff we don't really want to know about. I think his bitch is up for anything. I think she whips out the strap-on and gives it to Tobey right in his ass...while he's wearing the Spider Man mask. "What's your Spider Sense telling you know fucker!"

Hollywood Halloween Costumes: Tobey Maguire

Lots of people will be going to Halloween parties etc., dressed as Sarah Palin (all thinking they're being really cool). Todd Palin, I fear, will be under-represented by comparison. Tobey Maguire, at least, has done his part to close the Todd Palin Halloween Costume Gap. It's not very inspired and it's conspicuously lacking a snowmobile racer outfit but I give Tobey points for the witty commentary of the "I Heart My White Trash Wife" hat.

Something Bad Apparently Happened

Kinda hard to tell but this is actually video of Tobey Maguire and some of his peeps attempting to buy a Halloween pumpkin. The whole thing goes terribly wrong and some dumb pap ends up with a busted head. The cops come and haul away the guy responsible for the head busting. Dear Tobey: There are lots of places to live in this world where the paparazzi aren't. Move to one of them. Yes, they sell drugs in those places too. Signed, your concerned friend the Crabmaster.

Update: Tobey Loses It

Tobey Maguire freaked out at the paps outside Madeo. Yeah okay, it must suck having them up in your face all the time. Still, some people deal with it okay, and others?

Maguire is a little unhinged anyway. Addiction problems and the like. He's got some creepy bugs and snakes crawling around in his head for sure.

Update: Now there's video.

Tobey Maguire is so Very Gay

Tobey Maguire orders an extra-large dick (with nachos) while attending some manner of sporting event.