Crabbie's Quickies: K-Fed Body-Slammed; Kate Moss Lays Down the Law; Aniston and Vaughn Still Plugging Along

Here's Kevin Federline being body-slammed at some kind of goofy pro-wrestling event:

How vaguely homo-erotic.

---

Kate Moss is trying to clean up would-be fiance Pete Doherty's act.

Here's a list of self-improvement tasks Moss has charged her drug-addled squeeze with, that he might one day make himself worthy of her wash-out supermodel love:

1. Stop hanging out with dirt-bags (I guess that would include his bandmates)
2. Stop using drugs (good luck there sweetie)
3. Start eating properly (no more deep-fried Twinkies at two in the morning)
4. Spend two hours a day writing poetry and music (or picking your bellybutton if you don't feel up to these)
5. Call your little Katie-kins three times a day (that one smarts)
6. Stop flirting with groupies (again, good luck)

---

Jennifer Aniston has told Oprah Winfrey that she and Vince Vaughn are still together.

Meanwhile, Vince is threatening to sue several tabloids that claimed he was caught messing around with some ho at a charity event earlier this month.

Dispelling rumors of a break-up on Oprah, taking tabloids to court over unfounded stories - ah, young love.

Crabbie's Quickies: George Michael's Drug Woes; Bobby Brown's Arrest Warrant; Eva and Tony's Bust-Up; Moss and Doherty's Wedding Plans

George Michael says he doesn't have a drug problem.

Am I missing something? Didn't George just get arrested for falling asleep at an intersection while on dope?

And I suppose Mel Gibson doesn't have any problems with Jews either. And Anna Nicole Smith is on perfectly good terms with reality.

*

An arrest warrant has been issued for Bobby Brown over his failure to show up for a Boston court date.

3-1 they find Bobby in an abandoned warehouse blubbering and soaked in urine (both his own and other people's). And waving a gun around.

*

Reports say swarthy little bitch Eva Longoria dumped her boyfriend, hoopster hottie Tony Parker, because Parker was getting too cozy with one of his ex-girlfriends.

Sounds like Eva was having trouble keeping somebody happy. Might be time for her to consider having certain things tightened up (and I don't mean her ass).

By the way, Tony Parker. If you should ever become interested in moving over to the gay side of town, I'm available for tour-guide duties. You bald-headed slab of ball-bouncing Euro beef.

*

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are planning on getting married and starting a family.

Says Doherty's manager Eammon Tucker, "She's [Moss] just a very sweet girl who's very much in love with Pete. He makes her laugh and they're looking forward to having children soon."

I wonder what makes Kate Moss laugh. Balloon-animals? Dirty limericks? Seeing Pete passed out in a puddle of his own vomit?