I Don't Think I Can Osbear Any More

The Osbournes have landed a variety show and the publicity blitz is on. It's cute see cause it's like the Osmonds but it's the Osbournes who are much less wholesome than the Osmonds but now they have a variety show just like the Osmonds except it's the modern-day kind of show where Ozzy is completely incoherent and Sharon physically assaults the guests and Kelly vomits blood and Jack stands there looking like a fatter, faggier version of Spencer Pratt. I'm guessing Donny and Marie will be guests at some point. I hope they also get really crazy and vomit stuff. That would be cool.

You Ain't Using It For Anything Anyway Hon...

Angry queen Elton John will attack anyone at any time, either verbally or physically. The other night at one of his shows (he still has them and people apparently still go) the bitter old wretch spewed his venom at the British talent show The X Factor, claiming he'd rather "have his cock bitten off by an Alsatian" than watch it. Is that a proposal for a new reality show? Cause I'd tune into that one for sure. Elton John whips it out and waves it around in front of a rabid dog. Does the dog bite it off or does Elton wind up fucking the dog? Sharon Osbourne would have to be a judge. Jack could be the dog.

Stop

The Osbournes will reportedly host a new "variety show," which will kick off with a Christmas special. The program will feature Ozzy "skewering pop culture," and will play up the sibling rivalry between Kelly and Jack. "We've been talking about how to renew the variety show concept and make it feel new for years now," said Mike Darnell, Fox Network's President of Alternative Programming.

This is how you make something feel new? By having the Osbournes host it?

No dear...that's how you make something feel like 2002.

The original Osbournes was a funny show. Unfortunately, it spawned a whole generation of family-based "reality" programs...providing a platform for such insufferable personalities as Nick Hogan, Kim Kardashian, Dina Lohan and Gene Simmons. And now the Osbournes are back again. Puke me.

Jack Osbourne Knows People, Gets Into Villa

Jack Osbourne is not a loser. He got into Villa.

Okay, he's still a loser.