I Don't Think I Can Osbear Any More

The Osbournes have landed a variety show and the publicity blitz is on. It's cute see cause it's like the Osmonds but it's the Osbournes who are much less wholesome than the Osmonds but now they have a variety show just like the Osmonds except it's the modern-day kind of show where Ozzy is completely incoherent and Sharon physically assaults the guests and Kelly vomits blood and Jack stands there looking like a fatter, faggier version of Spencer Pratt. I'm guessing Donny and Marie will be guests at some point. I hope they also get really crazy and vomit stuff. That would be cool.

Stop

The Osbournes will reportedly host a new "variety show," which will kick off with a Christmas special. The program will feature Ozzy "skewering pop culture," and will play up the sibling rivalry between Kelly and Jack. "We've been talking about how to renew the variety show concept and make it feel new for years now," said Mike Darnell, Fox Network's President of Alternative Programming.

This is how you make something feel new? By having the Osbournes host it?

No dear...that's how you make something feel like 2002.

The original Osbournes was a funny show. Unfortunately, it spawned a whole generation of family-based "reality" programs...providing a platform for such insufferable personalities as Nick Hogan, Kim Kardashian, Dina Lohan and Gene Simmons. And now the Osbournes are back again. Puke me.

Sharon Osbourne Doesn't Like Kelly's Friends

Sharon Osbourne wishes her daughter Kelly didn't hang out with crack-smoking slags like Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss. But, Sharon also admits that there's nothing she can do about it.

"I don't approve of them. Do I approve of everyone she hangs out with? No I don't. But I can't choose who she is going to play with and who she isn't. She makes her own decisions."

Yeah Sharon...Kelly's main problem is that she hangs out with Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss. Her boozing and drugging have nothing to do with the genes she inherited from Ozzy. Or from having to live with you for all those years.

Sharon Osbourne Calls Heather Mills A "Miserable Old Cow"; Ozzy Calls Heather "Fu**ing Nuts"

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne are hosting this year's Brit Awards, during which Ozzy is slated to present Paul McCartney with a lifetime achievement honor. Going by some stuff Sharon and Ozzy have said, it would probably be a bad idea for Paul's estranged wife Heather Mills to show up at the ceremony.

"I would boot her off," Sharon said of the prospect of Stumpy making an appearance. "I think she's a miserable old cow."

Ozzy chimed in as well, saying of Paul, "The body of work he's got is just unbelievable. But I really don't want to be there if Heather shows up. Never mind McCartney having a go - I think the audience will string her up.

"Sharon and I have met them both on a few occasions but if Paul doesn't know her, I'm fucked if I do. She's fucking nuts."

Hear that Stumpy? Ozzy Osbourne thinks you're nuts. This is a man who bites the heads off of live animals...

Hey, that gives me an idea - maybe Ozzy would like to bite Heather's head off!

Eh...it probably wouldn't kill her anyway. Heather's body would hop around with the neck-stump spurting blood, and her mouth would still be yapping away in Ozzy's stomach. She'd probably give an interview from Ozzy's digestive tract about how she's a victim and everyone's out to get her.

Amy Winehouse Now Living With Ozzy Osbourne

Amy Winehouse, as part of her ongoing effort to recover from drug addiction, has moved into Ozzy Osbourne's guest house.

Let me repeat that...Amy Winehouse, as part of her ongoing effort to recover from drug addiction, has moved into Ozzy Osbourne's guest house.

Ideas that were slightly less stupid than Amy Winehouse moving in with Ozzy Osbourne:

• Guy who designed the Hindenburg deciding it would be a great idea to paint it with flammable materials.
• The Japanese thinking it would be a hoot to attack Pearl Harbor.
• George Bush believing his intelligence people when they said there were WMDs in Iraq.
• Steve Irwin deciding to fuck with that stingray.
• Abe Lincoln choosing going to the theater over staying at home and banging the wife.
• Lizzie Borden's folks leaving the axe lying around.
• Britney's mom not locking the liquor cabinet.
• Heath Ledger deciding it would be okay to have that one last sleeping pill.

Nah, I kid...I'm sure Amy will be fine in Ozzy's guest house. She and Kelly can stay up all night watching music videos and painting each other's nails. And Ozzy can peek through the windows at them and jerk himself.

(source)

Proud Parents

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne congratulate little daughter Kelly after her "triumphant" stage debut in a West End production of the musical Chicago. Yes, I'm sure Kelly was magnificent as Mama Morton - I'm sure she'll make everyone forget Queen Latifah. I'm sure that, in a few years, Kelly will have surpassed all the greats - Kate Hepburn, Eleonora Duse, Sarah Bernhardt, all of them. She will go down as the pre-eminent stage performer of all-time.

Sure. And I will soon have more traffic than Perez. Gimme a break Osbournes - the only reason Kelly got the part is because she's your spawn. It wasn't like she aspired to be an actress all her life, and worked her ass off to get parts, and put up with all the other shit real actors have to endure for years before they get their break - it was handed to her, because the producers wanted a name, and she has a name. But you stand up there and act like she actually did something. You Ozzy with your maniacal stare - without the drugs keeping you calm you'd just as likely bite Kelly's head off as hug her. And you Sharon, you fucking harpy - you're the most miserable, unpleasant bitch on earth, aren't you? Look at the three of you - the products of a dumb-ass MTV reality show. Yeah, you got over didn't you? Congratulations, con-artists.