Kelly Dances, Sharon Weeps

You can't blame Sharon Osbourne for getting emotional while watching daughter Kelly perform on Dancing With the Stars. She always assumed Kelly would've been dead of a drug overdose by now, so seeing her do anything, besides lie there on a slab all blue and covered in trackmarks, is cause for blubbering happiness.

No Rehab For Dumb

Kelly Osbourne has checked into rehab just days after getting hauled to jail for allegedly punching some bitch in the face back in August. Sharon Osbourne, never one to let a publicity chance go by, has already begun the tearful wailing and blubbering on Kelly's behalf, saying:

This is one of the absolute worst things that a parent can face, for their child to go through rehab. And not once, but twice.

We just pray that everything's going to be okay.

But of course you bear no responsibility for that. The environment you chose of your own free will to bring your children up in and the values you chose to instill in them again without anyone twisting your arm were no factor in turning dear little Kelly into a trainwreck only one notch removed from full-on Geldofism. Fuck off and die Sharon you useless waste of organs.

Can't Imagine Where She Gets It From

Kelly Osbourne was hauled into jail earlier this month for an incident at a club last August in which she slapped a columnist who called her boyfriend stupid. The columnist, Zoe Griffin, apparently mocked Kelly's boyfriend Luke Worrall by claiming he didn't know what an earthquake was. Good thing Sharon wasn't there or Zoe would've gotten double-teamed. The Daily Mail says Kelly handed herself over voluntarily and was released on bail until March. Note that we are only finding out now about stuff that went down in August and then in early January. Shows how big Kelly is on the celeb radar screen.

I Don't Think I Can Osbear Any More

The Osbournes have landed a variety show and the publicity blitz is on. It's cute see cause it's like the Osmonds but it's the Osbournes who are much less wholesome than the Osmonds but now they have a variety show just like the Osmonds except it's the modern-day kind of show where Ozzy is completely incoherent and Sharon physically assaults the guests and Kelly vomits blood and Jack stands there looking like a fatter, faggier version of Spencer Pratt. I'm guessing Donny and Marie will be guests at some point. I hope they also get really crazy and vomit stuff. That would be cool.

You Ain't Using It For Anything Anyway Hon...

Angry queen Elton John will attack anyone at any time, either verbally or physically. The other night at one of his shows (he still has them and people apparently still go) the bitter old wretch spewed his venom at the British talent show The X Factor, claiming he'd rather "have his cock bitten off by an Alsatian" than watch it. Is that a proposal for a new reality show? Cause I'd tune into that one for sure. Elton John whips it out and waves it around in front of a rabid dog. Does the dog bite it off or does Elton wind up fucking the dog? Sharon Osbourne would have to be a judge. Jack could be the dog.

Stop

The Osbournes will reportedly host a new "variety show," which will kick off with a Christmas special. The program will feature Ozzy "skewering pop culture," and will play up the sibling rivalry between Kelly and Jack. "We've been talking about how to renew the variety show concept and make it feel new for years now," said Mike Darnell, Fox Network's President of Alternative Programming.

This is how you make something feel new? By having the Osbournes host it?

No dear...that's how you make something feel like 2002.

The original Osbournes was a funny show. Unfortunately, it spawned a whole generation of family-based "reality" programs...providing a platform for such insufferable personalities as Nick Hogan, Kim Kardashian, Dina Lohan and Gene Simmons. And now the Osbournes are back again. Puke me.

Sharon Osbourne Doesn't Like Kelly's Friends

Sharon Osbourne wishes her daughter Kelly didn't hang out with crack-smoking slags like Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss. But, Sharon also admits that there's nothing she can do about it.

"I don't approve of them. Do I approve of everyone she hangs out with? No I don't. But I can't choose who she is going to play with and who she isn't. She makes her own decisions."

Yeah Sharon...Kelly's main problem is that she hangs out with Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss. Her boozing and drugging have nothing to do with the genes she inherited from Ozzy. Or from having to live with you for all those years.

Sharon Osbourne Calls Heather Mills A "Miserable Old Cow"; Ozzy Calls Heather "Fu**ing Nuts"

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne are hosting this year's Brit Awards, during which Ozzy is slated to present Paul McCartney with a lifetime achievement honor. Going by some stuff Sharon and Ozzy have said, it would probably be a bad idea for Paul's estranged wife Heather Mills to show up at the ceremony.

"I would boot her off," Sharon said of the prospect of Stumpy making an appearance. "I think she's a miserable old cow."

Ozzy chimed in as well, saying of Paul, "The body of work he's got is just unbelievable. But I really don't want to be there if Heather shows up. Never mind McCartney having a go - I think the audience will string her up.

"Sharon and I have met them both on a few occasions but if Paul doesn't know her, I'm fucked if I do. She's fucking nuts."

Hear that Stumpy? Ozzy Osbourne thinks you're nuts. This is a man who bites the heads off of live animals...

Hey, that gives me an idea - maybe Ozzy would like to bite Heather's head off!

Eh...it probably wouldn't kill her anyway. Heather's body would hop around with the neck-stump spurting blood, and her mouth would still be yapping away in Ozzy's stomach. She'd probably give an interview from Ozzy's digestive tract about how she's a victim and everyone's out to get her.

Proud Parents

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne congratulate little daughter Kelly after her "triumphant" stage debut in a West End production of the musical Chicago. Yes, I'm sure Kelly was magnificent as Mama Morton - I'm sure she'll make everyone forget Queen Latifah. I'm sure that, in a few years, Kelly will have surpassed all the greats - Kate Hepburn, Eleonora Duse, Sarah Bernhardt, all of them. She will go down as the pre-eminent stage performer of all-time.

Sure. And I will soon have more traffic than Perez. Gimme a break Osbournes - the only reason Kelly got the part is because she's your spawn. It wasn't like she aspired to be an actress all her life, and worked her ass off to get parts, and put up with all the other shit real actors have to endure for years before they get their break - it was handed to her, because the producers wanted a name, and she has a name. But you stand up there and act like she actually did something. You Ozzy with your maniacal stare - without the drugs keeping you calm you'd just as likely bite Kelly's head off as hug her. And you Sharon, you fucking harpy - you're the most miserable, unpleasant bitch on earth, aren't you? Look at the three of you - the products of a dumb-ass MTV reality show. Yeah, you got over didn't you? Congratulations, con-artists.

Sharon Osbourne Makes Some New Friends

Reality star Sharon Osbourne has never been shy about attacking fellow celebs, and now thanks to British tabloid editor Piers Morgan's new book Don't You Know Who I Am?: Insider Diaries of Fame, Power and Naked Ambition, many of Osbourne's best quips, put-downs and all-out attacks have been immortalized in print. A selection of Osbourne's better work:

On Mick Jagger:

Mick Jagger is always up some lord or lady's arse on a Persian rug. He makes me sick.

On Madonna:

Madonna - what a cunt. I'd like to punch her.

On Melanie Griffith and her plastic surgery:

She's destroyed herself. Now she looks grotesque - it's so sad.

On another surgically-altered celeb, Michael Douglas:

That's another terrible face job. Poor cunt.

Sharon also calls U2's Bono a "twat," and dubs Diana Ross "an awful woman."

If Sharon wants to make some extra cash she should just rent herself out as a conversation-maker at parties. I'd hire her in a second.

(source)

Sharon Osbourne Battles the Bulge. Next Maybe She Could Work on Her Compulsive Yammering.

Reality TV star/failed talk-show hostess Sharon Osbourne is revealing the gory details of her battles with the fat bug.

Unable to control her eating habits, Osbourne says she resorted to a having a device surgically implanted which reduced the size of her stomach (guh-ross). Now she has had the device removed and is turning to psychotherapy as a means of curbing her urges.

"I think I have some sort of self-destruction button," says Osbourne of her compulsive eating. "I have to figure out why I do what I do to myself."

Well Sharon, I'm no psychotherapist, but perhaps I could help you with that whole figuring out why you do it to yourself thing (and I won't even charge you; that's just the kind of fellow I am).

Problem # 1: Your husband Ozzy. A mumbling drug-addict who no longer has the motor control necessary to wipe his own ass. Taking care of someone like that can be very stressful, and if you're not going to booze or take pills or exercise compulsively, that doesn't leave much else but slamming Nutty Bars, and chasing them with can after can of Yoohoo (which will tend to make your thighs expand).

Problem # 2: Your kids. A couple of insufferable knuckleheads who are now careening down the very same road as their father, and will soon also be unable to speak coherently or control their bowels. If they were my kids I'd worry about them too. I mean, how long before that little tattooed tart Kelly is in jail for knifing someone, or shoplifting a pair of leggings from a posh clothing store somewhere? And how long before that crazy kid Jack has broken his neck jumping off a cliff to impress some chick, or been discovered face-down in a puddle of foamy pink vomit after ODing on some kind of hip club-drug? That's more cheese-cake down the hatch.

Problem #3: You. Or, more specifically, your guilt. And what exactly do you have to be guilty about? How about the fact that you've spent the last several years pimping your poor drug-addled spouse, who trembles like a hopped-up wiener dog, out for every cheesy publicity appearance and crappy cobbled-together TV opportunity that comes down the pike? I mean, Ozzy Osbourne - that ain't my kind of music, but even I recognize that the man is a legend. One who's spent most of his life beating his brains in with drugs and loud music and sex and bat blood. Who's given you and your idiot spawn a nice comfortable life and would probably like to enjoy his waning years. But no - you've got to milk the poor bastard for every last dime. You deserve to feel guilty. And, frankly, when someone is as consumed with self-loathing as you obviously are, there are really only two choices - suicide or Sara Lee.

A self-destruction button? How about a fat, shameless idiot button?