The roll-call of people who are pissed off at Madonna for her blasphemous stage show, which features the menopausal singer "crucifying" herself on a giant bathroom-tile cross, now includes the Russian Mafia. And the Russian Mafia doesn't just denounce people the way the Vatican does; it threatens them. With kidnapping. And you definitely don't want to be kidnapped by the Russian Mafia. Take it from me. It's no picnic being kidnapped by the those guys.
Yes, it's true, I was once abducted by the Russian Mafia. Back in the early nineties when I was still running my dog-grooming business. A couple of Russian gangsters came into my shop, tied me up and dragged me off. It was terrible. That awful smell of aftershave, vodka-breath and old sneakers. Them playing Yakov Smirnoff videos over and over until I wanted to freaking kill myself. Thankfully I was only held for a couple of days; back then the Russian Mafia accepted toilet paper as ransom payment, so my good pal Vernon just showed up with a van full of Charmin and they let me go. I can only imagine how much Charmin it would take for Guy Ritchie to get Madonna back from the clutches of Russian gangsters now, what with inflation and all. He'd probably have to buy several of those giant packs from Costco.
So, if I were Madonna, I would be taking these threats very seriously. I would be adding more security. And just to be on the safe side, I might consider taking the crucifixion thing out of my stage-show. I mean, seriously Madonna, what point do you think you're making? "Ooh, look at me, I'm Madonna. I'm hanging myself from a cross. Aren't I being daring and sacrilegious?" Okay Madonna, we get it, you grew up a Catholic and it scarred you, and now you're getting back at all the nuns who cracked your knuckles with rulers. How much longer does this have to go on? When will you be satisfied? When the pope personally apologizes? Give it a rest, you old bag. You're not some new pop-music Messiah. You're a no-talent who got lucky and now doesn't have the sense to exit gracefully. Are you going to stick around until your tits are hanging below your knees? Is that how you want people to remember you?
Sad.
(source)
