Jessica Simpson made the mistake of talking to Elle Magazine about intimate matters. Now we have way more stuff to make fun of her about. Like this remark she made about how she tried too hard to please the men she dated after her divorce from Nick Lachey:
I was going through a lot of pain. I didn't try anything to change my life other than dating different types of guys and conforming to their worlds. I thought I had to be artsier, more intellectual.
So she bought herself a bunch of Curious George books and hunkered down to study. God Jess...at least make it hard for us, would you?
Okay, I know...it's not nice to make fun of the mentally challenged. Fuck it. Here's what Jessica said about her relationship with Tony Romo:
Most of the guys I dated were captivated by my heart but they had different ways of trying to get to me. Tony understands me. He appreciates my talent. He's the first person I've spiritually connected with.
Um, Jess...Way #1 guys have of "getting to" chicks they want to bone: Flattery. Example: "That's a fantastic song you wrote Jess. You're really talented." Way #2: Talking shit. Example: "I feel like you're the only one who really knows me. Like our spirits are connected, you know?" Jesus Jess, didn't Papa Joe teach you anything (except how to put on a training bra)?
Jess gives us more...on John Mayer:
John believed in the Jessica Simpson that's within. He cherished our love. He helped make me the woman I am today. John is going to be an amazing man for someone, but I know that I was supposed to be with someone else.
Yeah, you knew you were supposed to be with someone else Jess...when he told you. And sure, John will be an amazing man for someone. And then someone else. And someone else. And I ain't even gonna guess why you suddenly decided to start referring to yourself in the third person. Maybe because you've gone completely nuts?
(This post is dedicated to Jebbica who's been having her troubles lately. Hope this cheers you up Jebbers. I know you enjoy it when people crush Simpsons.)
