When Will She Learn?

Things you can't kill: Roaches. Jason Vorhees. Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's storybook romance.

Yes, John and Jen are back on. "He really got to her, and she's hooked on him," a source said. "She can't let go."

And Mayer is not above taking advantage of her poor self-image and clingy nature. I'd cry if I wasn't laughing so hard.

Useless And Uselesser

Question: Which of these useless women did John Mayer have sex with after the VMAs?

Answer: Neither. He was too busy jerking off to a picture of himself in bed with Kanye West that he made with Photoshop.

KANYE WEST THINKS THIS POST SUCKS BECAUSE IT IS TWO WHITE GIRLS. WHERE THE SISTERS AT? ON SECOND THOUGHT, KANYE WANTS TO FUCK KATY PERRY. HE LIKES HIM SOME FINE TITTIES, DON'T MATTER WHAT COLOR.

Did Jennifer Know?

You thought Kristin Cavallari was useless, but enterprising John Mayer found something she was good for: fucking behind the backs of the other women he was allegedly with.

Janet Charlton has blown the whistle on Mayer's dirty dogginess. According to Janet, Mayer has spent the last two years nailing Cavallari at a mutual friend's house, unbeknownst to the famous chicks he was carrying on with in public.

Yes, while John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston were gracing tabloid covers with their happiness, he was secretly doing Kristin Cavallari. Some will hate John for this. Some will want to buy him a beer and call him a god. Some will congratulate Kristin for finally doing something worth talking about.

Who's Shocked By This?

You might want to put down your powdered doughnut for this one, cause it's a shocker. Okay, take a deep breath, get ready for it:

A friend of Jennifer Aniston has revealed that the actress has no interest in dating "normal men" and only fucks guys she thinks will keep her on the front page of the tabloids.

"She goes after the hottest thing of the moment," the snitch revealed, "what she knows will get her the most time in the spotlight."

Hence her pursuit of Bradley Cooper, before Bradley brushed her off in favor of Renee Zellweger. Hence the relationship with John Mayer. Hence her embarrassing fawning over Gerard Butler. Hence pretty much everything she'd had in her life for the last couple of decades, including Brad Pitt.

Just when you thought Aniston couldn't get anymore pitiful...

Who'd Have Thunk Zachary Quinto Would Be A Weirdo

A pretty much indescribable video featuring Star Trek star Zachary Quinto, a dog and a dude dressed up as a steak. I'm guessing this was staged - unless Quinto often walks his dog accompanied by fellows wearing meat suits.

This frankly reminds me of something John Mayer would do. Mayer likes fucking with the paps in creative ways...and evidently so does Quinto. It's nice to see he has a sense of humor, even if it is a tad off-the-wall.

Battlefield: Twitter

Former make-out buddies Perez Hilton and John Mayer ain't so chummy anymore. In fact they're downright antagonistic, as demonstrated by the angry Twitter exchange that passed between the two over the last 24 hours. It all began with this Mayer tweet:

@perezhilton's video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.

The video statement referred to by Mayer was the one Perez posted in response to Will.I.Am's video in response to Perez's tweets claiming Will.I.Am punched him after the MuchMusic Awards, a claim that turned out to be completely false. My God I need a drink of water after that. Okay, back to the tweet war:

Perez to Mayer: That's real funny! Ha ha! And I'm sure you also think I "deserved" to get hit!

(Note that it took Perez a good 12 hours to concoct this retort)

Mayer: Not true. In fact I'd like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you'll have the situational awareness not to get in someone's face.

I also want to train you in an old martial art called "Never Call A Black Dude a Faggot Jitsu."

Perez: Dude, I get it. I GET IT. But it's not fucking funny to me. Karma would be me losing my site and going bankrupt or what have u.

Karma is NOT getting punched in the face!

Mayer: agreed. So let's meet up this week and I'll give you your first krav maga instruction. We'll break the event down and learn...

1. de-escalation tactics. 2.Creating distance. Instuctives ("get back!" placing the hand out) 3. Combined block and attack....

by understanding the genetics of a violent incident you can learn to avoid them. And if you can't, you will learn to end them.

Perez (complete moron): I can never tell if ur being sincere or not. It doesnt matter. Have Harley email me contact info for this so I can do on my own.

Mayer: this will be the last public mention of it. You know how to find me. Words have cause and effect, even if the effect is wrong.

Perez: I cant DM u and Im not trying to play this out publicly. B well. I dont wish u harm. I talk shit but I sincerely wish no 1 harm.

Mayer: from the heart, what you experienced these last 24 hrs is a profound lack of control. You can't blog the world, my friend.

Perez (still lost): I totally did experience a lack of control - on the part of Will.I.Am and his road manager! I agree with you 100%!

And people DO want to see me hurt. That's what I've been reading over and over again. But it's cool. I'll be back 2 normal tomm.

Mayer (wasting his time with this numbskull): people don't want to see you hurt, they want to see you experience something equalizing.

Perez: Once again, we agree! I live in my own world. And in my world, I would never punch someone. And in my world, that's illegal!

Also, in my world, if someone repeatedly talks shit about me, I ignore them or TALK as much shit back. But that's just me.

All I really care about in this world is doing right by my family and my dog, and sharing and listening to music.

Mayer: Yah, you're not getting it... OOH! OK. It's like the Matrix. You live in the Perez Matrix. You wrote the program, you can fly.

then you leave the Matrix, and oh, what the hell, you're not gonna get it. You're a sweet guy though.

you might have a gash on your face for a few more days, but the real healing? It's happening right now.

now you sit down behind that Tandy computer and you hash out a Doogie diary. Be sure to pause, think, and keep typing.

because today, the fourth wall came crashing down. Mario, you are human. I call upon Twitter to be kind to you. #perezisokbyme

Perez: I'm not human! I'm a monster! Good night, John Mayer.

Mayer: Good night Perez, you dumb shit.

And that, ladies and germs, is what happens when you try to talk sense to an egomaniac.

Is He Just Pretending?

Sacha Baron Cohen really enjoys dressing up as Bruno, the gay character he plays in his upcoming movie. Really, really enjoys it. Almost enough to make one suspicious.

Hmmm...and then there was that whole bit with Eminem at the MTV Movie Awards. That was just for yuks? And Cohen's frolic with Ken Davitian in Borat. And that time I caught him humping George Michael in the bushes. And that other time I went over to Boy George's house and found Sacha handcuffed to a radiator with fresh bruises all over him. And that other time - I get around - when I went to take a leak and there was Sacha sprawled on the tiles getting well and truly fucked in the ass by John Mayer. It's enough to make a guy wonder.

Oh Elmo, You Lucky...Um...Whatever You Are

Queen Latifah: "You're totally giving it to Elmo in the ass aren't you?"

John Mayer: "Shut up."

Queen Latifah: "Holy crap you are."

John Mayer: "Shut up or I'll tell Oscar the Grouch you're a lesbian."

Queen Latifah: "Stop it or I'll tell Big Bird you're cheating on him."

John Mayer: "Big Bird is a him?"

Don't Get Our Hopes Up...

Pete Wentz has grown so tired of media scrutiny that he sometimes thinks of packing up his woman and his kid and leaving the spotlight behind. "Sometimes I think Ashlee and I should do Newlyweds 2, take that fuck-you money and move to an island somewhere. Just disappear," said Wentz. But of course he'll never do it because he's a media-whore just like his buddy John Mayer. Even if he did move to an island (don't bring Jessica or her fat ass will sink the boat), he'd probably have cameras set up all over the place so he could stream video and pictures of himself back to Harvey Levin at TMZ. Harvey loves Pete's pictures. Especially the ones where Pete and Mayer are sucking each other off. You don't think they exist?

He's No Mayer

Shia LaBeouf tries to jump on the pap-tweaking bandwagon where John Mayer and Pete Wentz have long held court. Sorry Shia, but you're gonna have to do better than that. A little creativity at least would be nice. Get a Sharpie and draw some funny eyebrows or a porny Brad Pitt moustache. Give us something.

Stop The Madness

The Osbournes have a variety show coming out...and now John Mayer does too. CBS has picked up the sure-to-be-debacle starring the Stevie Ray Vaughn wannbe and hopes to roll the thing out within the next couple of months. This despite the utter(ly delicious) failure of Rosie O'Donnell's own variety show. Sorry dumbasses but the format is dead...and it sure as hell ain't going to be resurrected by John Freaking Mayer. Unless he can somehow convince Aniston to do her famous ping-pong ball act. You know what I mean.

Why All The Hostility John?

Jennifer Aniston has been in New York humping both John Mayer and her new movie Marley and Me (it's a toss-up which is a more painful duty). Normally Jen would bring her dogs with her on such an excursion but this time she left them in L.A. because, well, Mayer hates them, and Jen is so desperate to hold onto him that she'll do pretty much anything he says including get injections in her lips. Kind of sad seeing a woman like Aniston make a doormat out of herself just in the name of dick. I mean, jeez Jen, it's really not that hard. The guy doesn't like your dogs, you go get yourself a new man who does like them, or you just fuck the dogs. Or, you know, you could always shoot yourself.

The Happy Couple

Angelina's gonna be so jealous when she sees this. You know she totally has a thing for Mayer and it just drives her nuts that Jen gets to swallow his cum and she doesn't.

Of Course This Couldn't Possibly Be True

Page 6 says that Jennifer Aniston was so worried about being manless when her new movie Marley and Me comes out this Christmas against Brad Pitt's Benjamin Butthole thing that she had her people out trying to drum up a boyfriend she could walk the red carpet with. "She didn't want to face the glare of being unattached while Brad Pitt toted Angelina Jolie around," a source claims. This all became moot of course when Jen got back together with John Mayer. And why did she get back together with John Mayer? True love? Or this raging complex she has about competing with Angelina? My God, when will this woman just learn to let it go? Seriously...she is sick. I don't think even Dr. Drew can fix what's wrong with this ho. She needs lots and lots of therapy or drugs. Or Scientology. Fuck, even Scientology isn't strong enough. She needs some of those Carrie Fisher shock treatments.

Mayer Yaps

So apparently Jennifer Aniston went on Oprah and talked about some cake she made for an Obama election night party? Missed that. Anyways, John Mayer tried to make a funny out of the cake the other night on the red carpet for that Grammy nomination fiasco, and it turned out like most of Mayer's funnies - not funny. Mayer's cake-riff:

Jen and I made that cake together... She didn't really give me any credit for that cake. I was the architect on that cake. I put a lot of my time in designing that cake. I was a good man... I shared the process. From mixing to frosting... she took all the credit.

Put the Borat bathing suit on again Mayer - that was funny. Actually no, it was gross. And while we're on the subject of cakes - you people haven't lived until you've had a special Crabbie cake, topped with Crabbie's special homemade frosting. I'll let you guess what's in the frosting. Need a hint? If some of it got in Aniston she might actually have a kid. If she paid me a couple grand I'd be happy to mix her up a batch.

Laughing Through The Tears

Jennifer Aniston told Entertainment Weekly that she finds amusement in rumors about John Mayer having gotten her pregnant. "Oh my God, it's hysterical," she said. "It's almost going to take away the fun from actually being able to say one day, 'I'm pregnant!' Stop stealing my thunder, motherfuckers!'" Yeah, I'm sure you laugh Jen. Laugh and laugh and laugh until your barren, childless womb just aches. Face it - you're just one of those people. God didn't mean you to have children. It's okay. There are lots like that. You should just try to comfort yourself. Believe that everything happens for a reason, including your freakish inability to conceive.

Where's Jen?

Jason Lewis goes for a dip. Aniston wishes she was down underneath him getting tickled by his fart-bubbles. But she's not. She's off somewhere making Courteney Cox's life miserable. Dear Jen: Courteney's married. She has her own life. Leave her alone for five minutes. Get a man for Christ's sake. Yes, I know - Mayer. I said get a man.

Look What She's Missing

Jennifer Aniston - you could be all over that, girl. You could have that sweet sweet Vince Vaughn cock in you every damn night. But you blew it just like you always blow it. So you're stuck being a yo-yo for John Mayer who, closed-circuit to you sweetie, is never going to settle down with you and have babies. There will always be another ho for Mayer. But, apparently, you enjoy the rejection. You are caught in some kind of perpetual heartbreak loop. You have some deep psychological need to replay the devastation of Brad Pitt dumping you for Angelina over and over. Your life is a romantic Twilight Zone.

Not A Rumor

Jennifer Aniston was snapped heading into John Mayer's house for some kind of birthday get-together (he just turned 31). I bet she covered herself in whipped cream or something lame. He had her out of there by 10 pm so the strippers could come in.

She Can't Stay Away

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back on again. Spies say the couple met in New York to spend the weekend together, and attended a Ray LaMontagne concert in full view of other humans. "It was a very public date," a source said. Another source confirms that commitment issues were behind the original break-up. Basically, Aniston wanted to settle down and make babies but Mayer didn't. Earth to Jen: If you want a family, find an older guy who's ready for that, not some young snatch-happy bastard like Mayer. Don't you know he just wants to fuck as many famous women as possible? He's playing you bitch. Jesus, I'm starting to think Aniston just isn't that bright. Clearly, Mayer likes them that way. Jessica Simpson? Minka Kelly? High IQ is clearly not one of his priorities when seeking out a partner.