Tony Romo Is All Heart

Tony Romo has gotten sick of playing with Jessica Simpson's milkbags and decided to dump her. Funny thing about this one: reportedly, Romo told Simpson to take a hike the day before her birthday. Well, I guess that's better than waiting until the day of her actual birthday. "Wow, this is some tasty-looking cake Jessica. By the way, I never want to see your stupid face again. We're through. Oh, there's pin the tail on the donkey? Shit, I should've waited."

A friend of Jessica's says, "She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it's been difficult lately. He's busy with his career and she's getting ready to shoot her show (The Price of Beauty). They decided to part ways."

Sure, anal is fun for awhile, but eventually a guy wants to stick it in the other hole. Or someone else's other hole.

Way To Go Jess

Jessica Simpson looks much less fat than she did for awhile there. She's so hot, Tony Romo has to hold down his big hard-on to keep from accidentally spearing Tiger Woods. Or maybe wants to spear Tiger Woods, I don't fucking know.

Jessica Simpson Boards The Fat Train To Fatville

Guess the butt.


That's why Jessica's so sad...cause she's got a blubber-butt. And Tony Romo just dumped her for a cheerleader. She'll be spending the next month on Pete and Ashlee's couch shoving assorted cream-filled confections down her maw and not bothering to get up to shit. Sad stupid wretch.

Call Sarah McLachlan

Daisy looks like one of those sad dogs in the Sarah McLachlan commercial that turns me into a blubbering heap after about two seconds. Well, cheer up Daisy. Things could be worse for you. You could've gotten eaten by a coyote like one of Paris's dogs. Dang, Tony Romo doesn't look that happy either. Maybe he also needs rescuing. Jessica, you fucking bitch, do you only exist to spread misery?

Retarded

You occasionally see picures of famous people where they appear mentally challenged or at the very least a little slobbery, but seldom do you see a picture where one of them looks like a complete helmet-wearing short-bus rider. That's what Jessica Simpson looks like here. She looks like Tracey Gold should be playing her in a heartwarming Lifetime movie. If the authorities see this they'll investigate Tony Romo for abusing the disabled.

At Least Make Us Work at It...

Jessica Simpson made the mistake of talking to Elle Magazine about intimate matters. Now we have way more stuff to make fun of her about. Like this remark she made about how she tried too hard to please the men she dated after her divorce from Nick Lachey:

I was going through a lot of pain. I didn't try anything to change my life other than dating different types of guys and conforming to their worlds. I thought I had to be artsier, more intellectual.

So she bought herself a bunch of Curious George books and hunkered down to study. God Jess...at least make it hard for us, would you?

Okay, I know...it's not nice to make fun of the mentally challenged. Fuck it. Here's what Jessica said about her relationship with Tony Romo:

Most of the guys I dated were captivated by my heart but they had different ways of trying to get to me. Tony understands me. He appreciates my talent. He's the first person I've spiritually connected with.

Um, Jess...Way #1 guys have of "getting to" chicks they want to bone: Flattery. Example: "That's a fantastic song you wrote Jess. You're really talented." Way #2: Talking shit. Example: "I feel like you're the only one who really knows me. Like our spirits are connected, you know?" Jesus Jess, didn't Papa Joe teach you anything (except how to put on a training bra)?

Jess gives us more...on John Mayer:

John believed in the Jessica Simpson that's within. He cherished our love. He helped make me the woman I am today. John is going to be an amazing man for someone, but I know that I was supposed to be with someone else.

Yeah, you knew you were supposed to be with someone else Jess...when he told you. And sure, John will be an amazing man for someone. And then someone else. And someone else. And I ain't even gonna guess why you suddenly decided to start referring to yourself in the third person. Maybe because you've gone completely nuts?

(This post is dedicated to Jebbica who's been having her troubles lately. Hope this cheers you up Jebbers. I know you enjoy it when people crush Simpsons.)

Jessica Simpson Terrorizes Fat Baby

That kid's got quite a package. Okay I know it's the diaper. I wonder if Brad will now try that trick. "It's not Depends...it's my equipment." Tony Romo saw this picture and is now in Columbia attempting to be taken hostage.

What is Jessica Trying to Tell Us?

Jessica's shirt...it's not referring to Porterhouse I don't think. By the smirk on Romo's face I'd say he knows exactly what kind of meat Jessica means. Well that's very classy especially coming from a minister's daughter. Okay, so Papa Joe's only a pretend minister, but still.

Also...is Jessica's hat meant to protect her in the event she has to sneak away from the VC behind some low shrubs? Jessica should know she has nothing to fear from the VC. All she need do is pop up from behind the shrubs and do a provocative dance. They'll haul her off and make her their queen.

John Mayer and Pete Wentz Get a Room

Look closely and you will see John Mayer and Pete Wentz clowning around by photographing paparazzi through a window.

Mayer and Wentz are the new power BFFs in Hollywood. This is incredibly awkward given that Wentz just married the sister of the girl whose heart Mayer shattered into a million pieces not that long ago.

Maybe Jessica will have her studly quarterback boyfriend beat the shit out of Mayer. You know Mayer wouldn't last ten seconds in a fight with a tough jock like Tony Romo. He'd be all on his knees with his hands up whimpering and crying for mercy.

Tony Romo Tells Papa Joe to Back Off

Hovering pervoid Joe Simpson may be ruining his daughter Jessica's chances at happiness with football stud Tony Romo.

Jessica and Tony's recent relationship troubles have reportedly been largely due to Joe's insistence on running every aspect of Jessica's life. Tony was ready to split altogether, but agreed to give it another chance...on the condition that Papa Joe get off his back.

And how is Papa Joe going to take this? Not well, I'm guessing. In fact, I doubt Tony will be in the picture much longer than a week. Joe will get in Jessica's ear and that will be the end of it.

It's pretty obvious by now which of Joe's daughters is his favorite. He was happy to marry Ashlee off to Pete Wentz...but he'll never let anyone marry Jessica (until he finds a country where it's legal for him to marry her himself).

Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo Still Soldiering On

Despite all rumors to the contrary, Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are still a couple.

The two lovebirds were together in Dallas over the weekend, according to the Dallas Morning News and Perez Hilton. They dined at a steakhouse Saturday night, then had Sunday brunch at a place called Sneaky Pete's.

Reports prior to the Ashlee Simpson-Pete Wentz wedding had Jessica and Tony breaking up. Then it was reported that Papa Joe had begged Tony to show up for the wedding...ostensibly because he didn't want Jessica to be miserable on her sister's happy day. Since then it has come out that the photo deal Papa Joe signed with People stipulated that Romo had to be present. Had Romo not shown up it would've cost Joe $1.4 million.

I wonder if Joe cut Romo in on the $1.4 million.

Jessica Simpson Gets Wasted Over Mayer-Aniston Romance

Jessica Simpson can't handle it when her exes find new lovers. She flipped when Nick Lachey started fucking Vanessa Minnillo, and now it's been reported that she got plastered after news broke of John Mayer's fling with Jennifer Aniston.

Sources say that, on the same day Mayer admitted he was hosing Aniston, Simpson planted herself on a stool at L.A.'s Mexicali Cocina Cantina - before happy hour started - and spent the next four hours pouring booze down her throat.

Jess was so inebriated at the end of her session that she had to call her mom to come pick her up.

To make matters worse, it's also been reported that Jessica's most recent lover, Tony Romo, told his friends that he had dumped her. Reps for Simpson are denying this...but they're probably only doing it to save her from trying suicide.

So, when someone asks the question, "Who is more pathetic than Jennifer Aniston?" you can answer, "Jessica Simpson. But only by a little."