See You, Bitch

Sunday was Sarah Palin's last day on the job as Alaska governor. Well, okay - in all honesty, her last actual day of work was a couple of weeks ago; but Sunday was the day she officially stepped down, inspiring impromptu renditions of "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead" all over Alaska.

Now of course everyone's asking, "What's next for Sarah?" To which I reply, "Gee, I don't know, running for president?" Clearly, that's what the woman intends doing. Anyone who thinks differently is dangerously naive. And yes, I know she's facing ethics charges and blah blah, but do you think that matters to the assholes who would comprise her voter base?

You think the kind of brainless yahoos who support the likes of Glenn Beck and Dick Cheney would allow Palin's complete lack of ethics or, frankly, brains to come between them and their queen? They won't even remember that shit come 2012. And yeah, I'm putting her up against Obama in '12. She wants to be Reagan with tits, and Obama, the way he's going, could easily be her Carter.

K-Stew Sammich

Geekery has descended upon San Diego for the annual dorkgy known as Comic Con. K-Stew and the other stars of New Moon are there because...well, that's where the fanboys and fangirls are. You gotta move product. Of course we know that K-Stew - love the red shoes - is totally above the whole thing, and would much rather be off somewhere smoking a bowl and listening to Bat for Lashes. But she's stuck having to pretend she wants to be within ten yards of Robert Pattinson and that Lautner character (every time I see him I think, "He's the Jonas brother who went wrong and ended up doing some time in juvie").

I see K still tying little knots in her shirts. I sent her ten emails telling her to stop that, but, girl don't listen for shit.

Indeed, A Little Brainwash Would Be Appreciated Right Now

Madonna, in a typically desperate bid for credibility among artsy types (remember her asshole Sex coffee table book and her equally asshole remake of German New Wave director Lina Wertmuller's Swept Away), has had some L.A. street artist called Mr. Brainwash design her new album cover. And that's it. A picture of Madonna looking like she's about to hurl that some jag-off stained with piss. Uh, yeah. Fucking profound shit right there.

Let's Get It Right This Year, Emmys

For the second straight year, John Slattery has been nominated for an Emmy for playing Roger Sterling the hard-drinking, twin-fucking, oyster-puking senior partner on Mad Men. And this year he is going to win. Or the Emmys will be dead to me.

Also: Would it be possible for the Emmys take a break from giving Kathy Griffin's show the award for Best Reality Program, and throw a little love in Mike Rowe's lap for Dirty Jobs? Truly, if anyone deserves an award, it's Mike Rowe. Dude jacks off turkeys, sticks his arm down cows' assholes and wades waist-deep in shit, all to amuse us. What does Kathy Griffin do? I still haven't figured it out, to be honest.

Breast Reduction

Scarlett fanboys have been up-in-arms lately, screaming that their girl is no longer giving them as much boobalicious pleasure as she used to. It appears Scarlett has grown tired of her buxom sex-bomb persona and is trying to de-emphasize the hooters, thinking this will make people take her seriously. This dress here definitely seems calculated to take the onus off the tittays. Plus, it appears Scarlett has had her head inflated somehow, to trick our eyes into thinking her milkbags aren't as bodacious as before. Well, whatever. It's her life.

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Check Out The Scalp On That One

I've seen a few of the fine young negresses sporting this look lately. It's cool. It says to me, "Those Indians almost scalped me, but the Lone Ranger rescued me at the last second." Rihanna seems to be doing fine post-Chris Brown anyway. I mean I haven't seen any pictures of her out with any other known woman-beaters. Maybe she has been and I've just missed it.

Why Do People Still Take Her Picture?

Not sure why anyone would bother running pictures of Christina Ricci. What was the last thing she did? That thing where she had a pig snout? That thing with her and Samuel L. Jackson where she was chained up in his house? The last thing I remember her being any good in was that picture with Charlize as Aileen Wuornos, and she was second-fiddle all the way in that. By the way, did I mention that I have a huge full-back tattoo of Aileen Wuornos? No, not really. It's actually Albert Fish.