See You, Bitch

Sunday was Sarah Palin's last day on the job as Alaska governor. Well, okay - in all honesty, her last actual day of work was a couple of weeks ago; but Sunday was the day she officially stepped down, inspiring impromptu renditions of "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead" all over Alaska.

Now of course everyone's asking, "What's next for Sarah?" To which I reply, "Gee, I don't know, running for president?" Clearly, that's what the woman intends doing. Anyone who thinks differently is dangerously naive. And yes, I know she's facing ethics charges and blah blah, but do you think that matters to the assholes who would comprise her voter base?

You think the kind of brainless yahoos who support the likes of Glenn Beck and Dick Cheney would allow Palin's complete lack of ethics or, frankly, brains to come between them and their queen? They won't even remember that shit come 2012. And yeah, I'm putting her up against Obama in '12. She wants to be Reagan with tits, and Obama, the way he's going, could easily be her Carter.

Somebody Please Stop The Birthers

The Birthers, for those who think news begins and ends with Kate Gosselin's activities, are a group of nutwads, led by such senior wackfaces as Lou Dobbs, who believe that Barack Obama is not a native-born American and therefore isn't eligible to be president. These freaks base their entire argument on the fact that Barack has allegedly not produced sufficient evidence of citizenship - an argument Jon Stewart took apart with typical incisiveness and wit last night on The Daily Show.

Actually, my beef with the Birthers has nothing to do with what they believe, the theories of wackjobs constituting nothing more than extra static fizzing and popping in the ether around me. My problem with them is that they go around calling themselves "the Birthers." You know what that name sounds like to me? Something from a bad science fiction movie. There were the Steriles, and then there were the Birthers. And they were led by Octomom.

Clearly, the anti-Barack nutjobs can't fight him on ideas or policies, because that would require the ability to comprehend something more complicated than a made-up conspiracy plot of the type Lou Dobbs enjoys propagating. Sad.

Rupert Everett Hates Everyone (Especially Himself, I'm Guessing)

Rupert Everett has gone off on another of his crazy rants, attacking everyone from Michael Jackson to Barack Obama to America to...Gwyneth Paltrow?

Oh, I love it when he's off his meds. Here's Rupert on why Michael Jackson is better off being dead:

He was a freak. He looked like a character from Shrek. He was a black to white minstrel. He was crucified by that court case when he was accused of child molestation - that killed him.

[Jackson] personified the pain and anxiety of a black man in a slave country. We all watched as he changed from black to white. He was living performance art. I think it was fortuitous that he died.

He does know that slavery was abolished, right? Oh, who cares. Here's Rupert on Barack:

We're living in very strange times.

We have Michael Jackson, a black man who has gone white, and we have President Barack Obama, who is a half-white man gone black. It's absolutely fascinating to watch.

And here's Rupert on why he hates America:

Straight [after 9/11], this cruel and nasty city [of New York] was hit with a sudden wave of compassion. Everyone looked out for everyone. I thought that could be the beginning of something amazing.

It felt like it was a new beginning but then the rain started and President Bush came in and began the war. The whole country just changed and became completely alien to me. We came to America as kids because England was stuffy and constipated. The U.S. used to be a breath of fresh air but Bush changed all that.

[America] is a weird place now. ... cartoons are more realistic than real-life. Family Guy, The Simpsons and Shrek are much more believable than action films. People react to cartoons rather than life. That is a tragedy.

Yeah, yeah...but what about Gwyneth?

If I had the choice of being on a desert island with Jordan [aka Katie Price] or Gwyneth Paltrow, I would choose Jordan.

With Jordan you get the truth. She's treated like a quasi-hooker, whereas Gwyneth is seen as the patron saint of good living. Which one has more integrity? I would much rather have Jordan any day.

Well, you only want to hang out with Jordan for the skin care tips, but whatever. Anyone who hates Gwyneth Paltrow is okay in my book.

Fat Angry Drug Addict On The Loose

Rush Limbaugh is mad that people keep attributing racist quotes to him that (he claims) he never uttered. And the fat drug addict pantload is threatening legal action against the people responsible.

An example of something Rush never said: "Slavery built the South. I’m not saying we should bring it back. I’m just saying it had its merits. For one thing, the streets were safer after dark."

Rush is also accused of saying that pro football looks like, "a game between the Bloods and Crips without any weapons." Actually, that one he did say. But the other one he didn't. I know because he said he didn't. And that's good enough for me, because Rush Limbaugh is a great American unlike that Nazi pig-fucker Barack Obama.

Genius

Some genius thought it would be a great idea to create a Facebook poll that asked "Should Obama be Killed?" No chance of the Secret Service investigating that. Actually, they already are. And the poll has been yanked. And if the nitwits responsible have any sense, they are on a bus to Mexico.

To be honest, I'm uncomfortable even blogging about this subject. I'm afraid some investigator is going to Google the kill Obama poll and find my site and decide I am somehow spreading the evil anti-Obama sentiments fomented by the poll creators. Let me assure any Secret Service agents reading this site that I absolutely do not endorse the idea of killing Obama, nor do I think it was in any way cool for those people to make that poll. I hope you find those people and throw them in jail. I am a good American. Obama. Obama. Obama. I even voted for him.

God, can I have that vote back?

Kidding.

Nice Posture

Barry and Michelle get their picture taken with the Spanish prime minister, his dyke wife and their two daughters. Contrary to what you might think, the one on the far right is not the chick from Concrete Blonde.

The prime minister of Spain looks like he should be on a watch list. The daughters both look like they are in their 30s and should be well out of their Twilight phase. If I were the prime minister of Spain, I wouldn't turn my back on either of those two. Or my dyke wife.

Mexicans v. Dobbs

Hispanics have had it up to here with Lou Dobbs and his inflammatory rhetoric. Latinos are now banding together to form websites calling for CNN to fire Dobbs, the former financial commentator who has re-branded himself as the voice of xenophobic nutbags in America.

"For years, Lou Dobbs has used his platform on CNN to spread myths and misinformation about Latinos and immigrants, even as his network tries to woo Latino viewers," says the site bastadobbs.com. "Dobbs is helping fuel the rising tide of hatred and extremism against Latinos in this country. It’s time we said enough (that’s “basta” in Spanish)."

Now we know why Lou wants that border wall so bad. It's not to save America, it's to save him.

Lou Dobbs 911 call: "Hi this is Lou Dobbs of CNN. There are about fifty Mexican guys outside my house right now using leaf blowers to fill my driveway up with dry grass clippings and random garbage. If you don't come down here and chase them off I'm going to put on my federale badge and cheesy Mariachi moustache and start blasting away like it's a Sergio Leone movie. Barack Obama is a foreigner."

Kanye's Lucky He's Not A Fly

The President thought he was speaking off-the-record when he called Kanye West a "jackass" for stealing the spotlight from Taylor Swift during the VMAs. Unfortunately, in the Twitter era - did I mention I'm on Twitter? - there is no such thing as off-the-record.

Within a couple hours of a bunch of reporters gleefully tweeting about Obama's remark, the audio was available. So the rest of us can enjoy the prez making like Kathy Griffin. At least his boobs are real.

More Nutter Antics

South Carolina Republican Congressman Joe Wilson became a nutter hero last night when he shouted "You lie!" at our president while our president was trying to clear up misconceptions about his health care plan.

Whatever you think of Obama and his plan, Wilson's heckling was out of line, as Wilson himself acknowledged in his apology.

"This evening I let my emotions get the best of me when listening to the President's remarks regarding the coverage of illegal immigrants in the health care bill," Wilson said. "While I disagree with the President's statement, my comments were inappropriate and regrettable. I extend sincere apologies to the President for this lack of civility."

Wilson defenders claim his outburst was "spontaneous," but I call them liars. Wilson is from a state full of people just as racist as him; he knows well that his public outburst will stand him in good stead with these people when election time rolls around again. It was all calculated.

Being a nutter doesn't mean you're just shooting from the hip. Nutters can plan too. In fact, the nutters with plans are the scariest nutters of all.

The thought of nutters with plans is what makes all the nutters with guns so scary. And, yes, there was another one last night outside the Capitol while Obama was giving his talk. Cops arrested the dipshit - a Falls Church, Virginia dipshit - after a search of his car turned up a shotgun and ammunition.

I guess it was just a random guy from Virginia driving up to the Capitol and trying to get through security with a shotgun. Happens every day, right?

Nutters like Falls Church are why nutters like Joe Wilson need to learn to dial it back. The last thing we need in this climate is Congressmen encouraging even more insanity.

Futility

I applaud the Obama administration's efforts toward having a common sense discussion about health in this country, but, I fear they are in vain. People aren't going to listen...and not just because they disagree with Barry and his minions politically.

They won't listen because, quite simply, they are Americans, and Americans don't like being told that they have bad habits.

Americans are, by and large, rude and thoughtless people. I experience this truth every day in my building which is full of assholes who don't know how to close doors without slamming them. You could lecture these brainless fiends endlessly about it, describing in minute detail how annoying it is to be jarred from sleep or restful reverie by sudden sharp banging noises, but they would just smile and nod, and go right on doing it.

Because they are fucking jerks.

And, because Americans are fucking jerks who don't care about anyone but themselves, they are not going to stop sneezing, coughing and blowing snot in other people's faces. Kathleen Sebelius can hold a daily demonstration of how to contain your disease-carrying mucous by sticking your nose in your elbow, but it won't matter.

These morons will decry this unacceptable government intrusion upon their God-given right to spread their germs in any way and in whatever quantities they choose. They will wave signs. They will brandish assault rifles. They will gather together to cook animals, drink alcohol and watch Glenn Beck.

This mindless self-centeredness is also why people who already have health insurance won't stop protesting against the public option. They don't give a fuck that others are suffering. All they care about is their "rights," which they think are being threatened by the great Socialist scourge. As long as they can get their colonoscopy without having to pay, who gives a shit if a bunch of poor people can't get dental work or glasses or their festering sores tended before gangrene sets in and they need their limbs hacked off?

It's pure selfishness. Or, as some call it, the way of the Real America.

Crabbie's Daily Language Lesson

Barack Obama gave his speech to the school children today, in which he encouraged America's future crackheads to work hard and not give up on their dreams, and a bunch of other stuff they could've just as easily gotten from watching the movie Rudy.

There was, for some reason, a huge flap over this speech. One group of nutters got all angry because they thought Barry was indoctrinating their innocent children into the evil ways of Socialism, or whatever -ism they're irrationally frightened of this week.

Crabbie will now fulfil his own public service requirement for the week by giving a little lesson in the difference between "indoctrination" and "education."

Indoctrination: When you want to fill my kid's head with something I don't agree with.

Education: When you want to fill my kid's head with something I do agree with.

That is all.

Obama Caves Again

Obama environmental adviser and alleged 9/11 conspiracy nutter Van Jones was removed from his position in the dark of night after being bombarded by the right for several days over taped remarks he made about Senate Republicans' abuse of power.

Jones admitted his remarks about the Republicans were offensive but denied their charges that he is a 9/11 "truther."

If this is the first you're hearing of this story...well, that's not a surprise, since the Obama-sucking mainstream media haven't bothered covering it. All you need to know is that Change We Can Believe In Guy has once again bent over and let the right ass-rape him.

I don't know why Republicans were so burned about losing the presidency and the Congress. They have more power now that they're not in power.

He's Not Impressed

Michael Moore has weighed in (he never gets sick of that one I bet) on the performance of Barack Obama so far. And, shockingly, he's not as upset as Bill Maher:

"I'm still in a stupor of stunned ecstasy that Obama won," said the Commie tudball. "And I approve of most everything he's done, from apologizing to the Iranians for America overthrowing their democratically elected president in 1953 to appointing Kumar (actor Kal Penn of the "Harold and Kumar" movies) to a White House position. He is doing the best he can with the mess he inherited, and I and millions of others are counting on him never to forget that he came from the working class and that his people need him now more than ever."

Moore is less complimentary toward the Democrat-controlled Congress however:

As for the congressional Democrats, what a bunch of losers -- weak, scared, stupid. They had better get a clue pretty quick or the Dark Forces will return.

The Dark Forces never left Mike. They just needed a little vacation. That's why they told Sarah to quit her job and lie low for awhile.

What Is This Accomplishing?

I'd like someone to explain to me what all the screaming at the town hall meetings is accomplishing. Besides getting a bunch of nutters out of the house and into the fresh air.

Yeah, I know - it's making Obama back off on the controversial aspects of the health care reform package. The nutters and the talk radio assholes who egg them on would really like us to believe that too. But of course it is a lie. The real reason Obama can't get the thing passed the way he wants it? The Democrats who can't give up the insurance company tit.

The Democrats have a majority, and could therefore ram this bill through if they wanted. But a lot of them value their lucrative connections more than doing what is best for the country.

The nutters can flatter themselves that they're making a difference, but they're really not. They're just a sideshow. They're just a distraction from the real scandal. They're just loud-mouthed rubes with nothing better to do.

Shah Rukh Khan Is Not A Terrorist

Bollywood superstar Shah Rukh Khan is not a happy man after being detained for 2 hours at the Newark airport because his name came up on a watch list.

"Certain countries have issues with my name," Khan said afterward. "I am very proud of my name."

Khan called the US paranoid about Muslims. He neglected to mention that we're also paranoid about Christians like Barack Obama who we think are Muslims because their middle name is Hussein. Yup, pretty much, the name is all it takes.

Reports say Khan was freed after someone from the Indian consulate in New York came over to reassure the immigration goons that they hadn't captured the world's most fearsome terrorist, but a guy who plays heroic helicopter pilots and wacky alcoholics who will die if they have even one more drink. In movies where everyone sings and dances and there is always a little fat guy with a beard who is supposed to be funny but isn't.

Dear Idiots...

To all the mouth-breathers showing up at the town hall meetings with your signs and your yelling and your adorable impotent outrage: Calling Barack Obama "Hitler" won't get you arrested. Calling him a Socialist won't get you arrested. Calling him a pinko Commie negro subversive Muslim babykiller won't get you arrested. In certain parts of New Hampshire, carrying a gun won't get you arrested. But you know what will get you arrested?

Waving around a sign that says "Death to Obama" on one side and "Death to Michelle and her two stupid kids" on the other.

And these people wonder why everyone thinks they're moronic crackpots?

Crazy Packing Heat

Some nut came to an Obama town hall appearance in New Hampshire with a gun, and toting a sign bearing Jefferson's famous quote, "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time, with the blood of patriots and tyrants." The cops did not arrest the man because it wasn't technically illegal for him to have the gun. You mean Obama didn't order the weapon taken away from him? I thought he was trying to rescind our 2nd amendment rights? I thought he was an evil dictator who ruled by proclamation? What's all this observing the law crap? Hitler would be disappointed.

Democracy At Work

The propaganda is working on the rubes. They actually think Socialism is sweeping the nation, and that any day now Barack is going to send someone over to take their weapons, their gas-guzzling pick-ups and their porn, and hit them with a ray gun that turns them into fruity Prius-owners who would rather go antiquing than watch football. That's why they're so mad. Of course, if they had a clue, they'd realize that Barry and those nasty Dems in the Congress don't really have the guts to remake America. Cash for Clunkers ain't gonna turn the USA into Sweden.

I Feel Like I Learned. I Don't Know About You.

Barry Obama, Professor Gates and that knucklehead cop had their little beer sit-down at the White House yesterday as promised. Oh, and Joe Biden crashed it, cause Joe Biden has nothing better to do (put on a hat Joe - your head is endangering low-flying aircraft).

And we learned what from this learning moment? That pundits would rather discuss the brands of beer being consumed than the racial issues the whole affair was meant to highlight. That Barry Obama clearly sees himself as a populist/activist in the Teddy Roosevelt mode...except he doesn't have anything resembling Teddy's political cojones.

Dear Barry: If you're going to use the Bully Pulpit, you can't be afraid to bully people. But you won't even take on a Congress dominated by members of your own party. In your hands it's more like the Pansy Pulpit.

Smoothing Things Over

Barack and Michelle left Italy today. I'm guessing the hand crept a bit lower once they were on the plane, away from the photogs. Barack has a few things to smooth over after being caught ogling a 16-year-old Brazilian delegate for some junior G8 group, with Sarkozy nearby giving a knowing grin. Pat the booty, pat the booty. Yeah, he'll just righteously fuck her, and all will be well.