Ashlee Simpson No Longer Pregnant

Our long national nightmare is over - Ashlee Simpson finally had her baby. The longest pregnancy since Minnie Driver's ended Thursday night when Simpson forced 7 lb., 11 oz. Bronx Mowgli Wentz - not making that up - through her birth canal and into the cold, cold light of the world. Pete Wentz is said be hysterical with joy. Almost gay over it. Ashlee is just grateful for the drugs. Papa Joe will commence ruining the child's life as soon as he can get away from burying his face in Jessica's tits.

Beach Bitch

Minnie Driver shat out her kid and there she is right back at the beach (though thankfully not in a bikini). I swear this chick doesn't have a proper home but lives in a hole like a crab or some other kind of crustacean. I'm not sure how she keeps her clothes from being covered in sand though. Still working on that part of it.

Thank God...

...no more pictures of pregnant Minnie Driver in her bikini. Yes the whale finally shat out her kid. Only one? He was 9 lbs., 12 oz. - and she named him Henry. Well fuck - what's the use of having a kid if you're not going to name him something stupid that will stick with him the rest of his life and make him miserable? Doesn't the bitch get that if you're a celeb it's your duty to ruin your child's life?

Look What Just Washed Up

Now the ocean is filled with dolphin and seal puke. Katie might want to look into sunscreen at some point. She's still not as unsightly as Minnie Driver.


You think a bunch of windmills would wreck your view...

Clue Me in Please...

Minnie Driver has been pregnant longer than the Iraq War has been going on. I know because there are constantly pictures of her and her big old preggo bump. Why are there constantly pictures of her and her big old preggo bump? Is there some rule that anyone semi-famous who gets pregnant must have their picture splashed all over everywhere? Honestly, who gives a fuck? What has Minnie Driver done worth mentioning since Good Will Hunting? And don't throw The Riches up in my face. I saw a few minutes of that once...it's not that great.