Sober Simpson

A rare sight nowadays - Ashlee Simpson not drunk and belligerent.

I'm pretty sure Joe Simpson's dreams for his little darlings didn't involve both of them becoming boozy embarrassments. But, that's what he got.

No Comment

Not saying anything about Bronx. Kids are off-limits. I just hope he doesn't get that thing stuck in anything. Infant jaws-of-life extractions are just not funny.

Snappy Dresser

Dear Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: if you want to be taken seriously as a world leader, you're going to need to step it up in the clothing department. At least get yourself a clip-on. That look you went with in your victory speech - that look doesn't say "I'm the President of Iran," it says "I'm a math teacher enjoying my day off in the home improvement section of Barnes & Noble. Later I will hit the food court and get myself a bean burrito."

Actually, maybe it's appropriate that Mahmoud didn't go with the "I'm the President of Iran" look since, in fact, he isn't. Many people in Iran, at least, don't believe he is. Especially the young people who voted for somebody else because they're sick of living under a tyrannical regime that seems hell-bent on alienating every other responsible nation on Earth (Americans know the feeling after 8 years of George the Clueless). The anti-Mahmoud people over there believe the election was rigged, and they're spitting mad about it. And what could've tipped them off that there was something funny going on with the vote count? The fact that Mahmoud won by an unrealistic landslide margin, for one thing. But what really gave it away was when Katherine Harris was spotted getting into Ahmadinejad's armored Saab. They knew they were screwed then.

Of course there's nothing the protesters or anyone else can do about it: Ahmadinejad is the president, and they'll just have to learn to live with that. Unless they'd like to take matters into their own hands and blow the monkey-looking motherfucker into small pieces. If America had any clue, we'd have covert people over there right now helping them bring this about. We'd do a Salvador Allende job on him. Or even better: a Moe Green job. Shoot him through the eye while he's getting a massage. Unfortunately, America doesn't have that kind of finesse anymore. All we know how to do is roll tanks in, then stand around and wonder why everyone hates our guts. The only people we can deal with anymore are scared shitless, half-witted teenage pirates armed with rusty AKs. Anything more challenging than that and we're like Ashlee Simpson with a Rubik's cube. We don't even know where the fuck to start.

Not What He Had In Mind

Pete Wentz turned 30, but there was no gaggle of male strippers ready to get on all-fours and take it in the ass at the drop of an extra $50, there was only a birthday cake emblazoned with a picture of his idiot wife Ashlee Simpson and their kid Zippa Dee Do Dah. Good times, eh Pete?

The Anti-K-Stew

I wracked my brain trying to think of the one starlet who stood most diametrically opposed to the awesome standard set by K-Stew, and came up with Ashlee Simpson. Ashlee is, in every way imaginable, the anti-K-Stew. She is phony and fake and plastic, and desperate for validation to the point of being pathetic, and, most damningly, utterly devoid of talent or worth. While K-Stew is completely authentic, totally lacking in pretense, adorably gawky, and doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks of her...oh, and is hot and can act her ass off.

Ashlee Simpson makes K-Stew barf.

Didn't Think She Had It In Her

Ashlee Simpson got liquored up and possibly coked up at an event the other night and allegedly verbally assaulted husband Pete Wentz's ex-girlfriend Michelle Trachtenberg. "The evening started off very civilly," a spy told that walking pile of pigshit Perez Hilton. "Pete and Ashlee had a pleasant conversation with Michelle and her boyfriend for close to 20 minutes." Then, "Ashlee got very very drunk. She also kept making frequent bathroom trips."

And the green-eyed monster came out to play and started shrieking and calling Michelle all sorts of nasty names like "poopyface" and "little so-and-so" and "poopyhead." I'm trying to imagine what any kind of verbal exchange between Ashlee Simpson and Michelle Trachtenberg would sound like but my brain isn't able to sink to that level. Pete was probably all like, "Why didn't I stick to men?" Mystery to me too Pete.

Don't Get Our Hopes Up...

Pete Wentz has grown so tired of media scrutiny that he sometimes thinks of packing up his woman and his kid and leaving the spotlight behind. "Sometimes I think Ashlee and I should do Newlyweds 2, take that fuck-you money and move to an island somewhere. Just disappear," said Wentz. But of course he'll never do it because he's a media-whore just like his buddy John Mayer. Even if he did move to an island (don't bring Jessica or her fat ass will sink the boat), he'd probably have cameras set up all over the place so he could stream video and pictures of himself back to Harvey Levin at TMZ. Harvey loves Pete's pictures. Especially the ones where Pete and Mayer are sucking each other off. You don't think they exist?

Jessica Simpson Boards The Fat Train To Fatville

Guess the butt.


That's why Jessica's so sad...cause she's got a blubber-butt. And Tony Romo just dumped her for a cheerleader. She'll be spending the next month on Pete and Ashlee's couch shoving assorted cream-filled confections down her maw and not bothering to get up to shit. Sad stupid wretch.

Congratulations Lisa Bonet

I thought Bronx Mowgli was the absolute worst baby name in history - until I read that Lisa Bonet had named her new kid Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. Yeah Lisa - congrats on that one. Not only did you break the record for stupidest baby name ever, you put that sucker so far out of reach that I doubt anyone will ever top it. Unless Pete and Ashlee have another one and name it by picking words randomly out of the dictionary.

Worthless Baby

Ashlee Wentz and Pete Simpson failed in their efforts to sell pictures of their baby Kimchee the Jungle Boy, so they put some on the web for free, claiming they were offered big bucks but declined. Cause they have principles. Same as Tara Reid when she refuses to blow men for coke.

Shut The Hell Up You Emo Fag

Pete Wentz went on with Howard Stern and proudly revealed that Ashlee Simpson is great in the sack. Well Pete, she should be, after all the practice she got with Papa Joe. Seriously though...what the fuck is with this guy? All he does is flap his yap and flash his idiot face around for the sake of press run. Isn't he supposed to be a musician? Doesn't he have a horrible album to record? Isn't there some dumb-ass indie film director willing to cast this fucker and take him off to Canada or someplace for a few weeks just so we can get a fucking break? How does a buffoon like this ever get it into his head that people give a fuck about him in the first place? And as for Howard Stern...what are you, seventy? The world has heard enough fart jokes. You can retire now.

Get Lost Losers

Pete Simpson and Ashlee Wentz have been shopping pictures of their baby Mowgli the Jungle Boy around to celeb rags but so far no one has been willing to bite. "Covers of them tend not to sell well," one unnamed source explained. Poor Mowgli the Jungle Boy - not even hardly born yet and already getting dragged down by his loser parents. Maybe he could petition to be adopted by Angelina. With a name like Mowgli, he should be in good shape.

Ashlee Simpson No Longer Pregnant

Our long national nightmare is over - Ashlee Simpson finally had her baby. The longest pregnancy since Minnie Driver's ended Thursday night when Simpson forced 7 lb., 11 oz. Bronx Mowgli Wentz - not making that up - through her birth canal and into the cold, cold light of the world. Pete Wentz is said be hysterical with joy. Almost gay over it. Ashlee is just grateful for the drugs. Papa Joe will commence ruining the child's life as soon as he can get away from burying his face in Jessica's tits.

Insufferable

You know what I hate most about Pete Wentz? His tight pants. The way they cling to his thighs and butt. I hate them worse than I hate his stupid face and his idiot tattoos and his sunglasses and his fucking fat idiot bitch of a wife. They're married right? I can't remember anymore.

Kid Doesn't Want to Come Out

Ashlee Simpson's kid knows what it's in for once it comes out. It knows it will spend the next several years of its life as a prop for a couple of self-whoring douchebags who have exhausted all other means of making themselves seem interesting to the media. It knows it will be criticized and called ugly and retarded by evil fuckers like me who have nothing better to do with our lives than sit here chomping cookies and making fun of children over the internet. It's a cycle of lameness and we're all a part of it. Yes, even you.

Wentz, Simpson, Jonases

A gay orgy waiting to happen...with Ashlee Simpson thrown in. The Jonas Brother in the hat needs to stop trying quite so hard.

Open Mouth, Insert Whatever

What happens in Jessica Simpson's brain every time a camera comes near her? Why does she have this weird instinct to open her mouth? I have a theory: I think Papa Joe used to videotape her sucking his dick. So, now, every time she sees a camera, there's this Pavlovian response. Well, I'm no Freud...it's just an idea.

Ashlee's Mock-Hippie Period

Ashlee Simpson is the only one who doesn't get the irony of dressing like a hippie and riding around in a car like that. By the way...it's very nice of Ashley Tisdale to take up the slack of being Ashlee Simpson while Ashlee is busy being a knocked-up wannabe flower-child.



Fake nose and all.

Links (Because I Care)

Mario Lopez named "Hottest Bachelor" by People Magazine. Eva Longoria agrees. Allie is Wired

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz celebrate Pete's 29th Birthday. How many fucking birthdays do these wads have every year anyway? Bricks and Stones

Cyd Charisse has died. I used to think she was a dude when I was younger. Gravy and Biscuits

Jack Black put Coco Pops in his butt when he was a kid. They're still in there. Dirty Disher

John Mayer and Pete Wentz Get a Room

Look closely and you will see John Mayer and Pete Wentz clowning around by photographing paparazzi through a window.

Mayer and Wentz are the new power BFFs in Hollywood. This is incredibly awkward given that Wentz just married the sister of the girl whose heart Mayer shattered into a million pieces not that long ago.

Maybe Jessica will have her studly quarterback boyfriend beat the shit out of Mayer. You know Mayer wouldn't last ten seconds in a fight with a tough jock like Tony Romo. He'd be all on his knees with his hands up whimpering and crying for mercy.