She Found Him Wandering In The Park

Richard Gere got a lifetime achievement honor, or something along those lines, at the Critics' Choice Awards, and his Nights in Rodanthe co-star Diane Lane was there to make sure he didn't get lost returning to his seat. I thought Buddhists were supposed to be all about rejecting material things and shit. So why is Gere accepting awards? It's only a little award so I guess it's okay. I'm assuming he made mention of Tibet in his speech. I wish the Chinese would stop oppressing those people - not because I care about the Tibetans but because I'm sick of people like Gere and that doucheface from The Beastie Boys ramming it down my throat.

Richard Gere Sets Record Straight On Shetty Kiss

Richard Gere planting some playful kisses on Indian star Shilpa Shetty has touched off a whole firestorm of controversy. But Gere himself says the whole thing was no big deal, and that those who want him jailed over it represent a small but vocal minority. Said Gere on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart:

Kissing the girl on the cheek was nothing. ... It was an AIDS event for truck drivers. It was the largest truck depot in South Asia. They were climbing on their trucks [cheering].

Shetty herself was not offended. Says Gere:

We went and had dinner afterwards and nobody said a word about this.

Shit, Richard - don't tell them you had dinner with her. They'll probably tack another six months onto the sentence.

But seriously, says Richard, the whole thing is just a bunch of political radicals making noise:

There is a very small right-wing conservative party and they are the moral police in India and they do this quite often. ... I don't know if anyone has gone to jail, but [a case like this generally] goes to a reputable court and is thrown out.

So they have reputable courts in India. Well, that's good news.

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India Wants Gere Arrested For Kiss

An Indian court has ordered the arrest of American actor Richard Gere on charges of public indecency. The order stems from a well-publicized incident at a recent AIDS charity event in which Gere repeatedly kissed actress Shilpa Shetty, antics which were viewed by many in India as disrespectful and obscene. A court in the city of Jaipur reportedly issued the order after a complaint by a local lawyer, Poonam Chand Bhandari (try not to laugh at that first name you dipshits). Of course this couldn't be another case of an Indian lawyer trying to get famous by going after a high-profile Western celeb could it?

Ms. Shetty, reportedly, has also been summoned by the court. Shetty rose to prominence earlier this year when, during an appearance on the British show Big Brother, she became the target of racial taunting. But Shetty's adoring Indian fans have turned on her after the Gere incident, and her remarks that over-reacting to such innocent tomfoolery makes India look "regressive." I don't know, I think India looks really sophisticated and mature when I see pictures like this:



Why does a grown man have a poster of Shilpa Shetty to begin with? A dirty calendar, sure, especially if he works in an autoshop. I guess he tore that down off his teenage son's wall. Right. And he never jerks off when he sees a hot-looking cow crossing the street either.

Honestly, I blame Richard Gere for all this. He should've known that he was in India, and would get in trouble for even so much as breathing on a woman he wasn't married to. But, you know how Americans are. So disrespectful of other people's cultures. Evil, thoughtless bastards all of us. Of course, if it weren't for our companies out-sourcing customer assistance jobs, half of India would be living on the street. Which is where the other half of India already lives.

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I So Wanted To Let The Indian Thing Drop, But...

Crabbie was all ready to let the whole "I hate India" gag go - I'm sick of it frankly, and some of you are getting mad at me - but then, well, the Richard Gere story came across. The one where Richard, at some kind of AIDS awareness event, got a little overly affectionate with a Bollywood actress named Shilpa Shetty, touching off a firestorm of protest that has seen - and I swear I am not making this up - effigies of Richard being burned in the street by outraged Indians. Here's the footage that touched off the anger in the first place:



Okay, Richard is being a complete ass in that video, practically molesting that poor Shetty woman. But, in Richard's defense, Shetty did take his hand first, and when he started pecking at her, she didn't exactly struggle against him. It looks, to rational eyes, like a couple of celebs being playful and silly. But obviously a lot of people in India don't agree, hence the effigy-burning.

Now, at this point, I could go into some wacky diatribe about how melodramatic and nutty Indian people are, and how they really need to develop a sense of proportion about things - you know, realize that someone not taking their shoes off should probably not be grounds for criminal prosecution, regardless of how offended someone might have been by the act. And that some dopey American actor pretend-kissing an Indian girl is a pretty lame excuse for a lot of violent protesting and burning things. But there would be no use ranting about this, because, a) the joke is played-out and; b) it would only lead to more people telling me how intolerant and swinishly American I am. So fuck it. However, one thing does need to be pointed out about this whole "no culture is superior to any other" argument: it is cowardly, both intellectually and morally.

Here's what I'm talking about: In America, we once thought it was okay to kill Native Americans because they were devils, and God wanted us to rid the earth of them (plus they were on land we wanted for our cattle and sheep). We also thought it was okay to burn women at the stake as witches, because God wanted us to rid ourselves of their wicked influence (and because they were sexually liberated while the Puritans with the torches were all miserable and repressed). Now, you tell me - is whatever culture you belong to, no matter how wacky it may be, not superior to these, which advocated the murder of human beings, and justified it religiously? Or are you not willing to consider one culture superior to another under any circumstances? Of course, the examples I used are more extreme than some mad Hindus burning effigies or threatening to lock an actress up for wearing shoes, but that's not the point. Everyone keeps using the absolutist argument, "no culture is superior to any other," which conveniently absolves them of the responsibility of actually defending the specific acts sanctioned by whatever culture. I'm not allowed to criticize an act, because there's an ancient and revered set of rules behind it. But there was an ancient and revered set of rules behind witch-burning too, and the murder of the Apaches, and there have been others behind the persecution of Jews, and homosexuals, and lots of other people. But, these days, we don't judge. We slap the tag "culture" on something, and dance off merrily into the sunset. Screw moral judgment - that's for sanctimonious hypocrites. There's no such thing as a reasoned, thoughtful moral judgment apparently. And there's also no such thing as a proportional response. Kick Liz Hurley out of India forever for disrespecting your customs - I wouldn't blame you. But chuck her in jail? Burn effigies because Richard Gere play-kissed a woman? Sorry - any "culture" that believes those actions make sense is inferior, and does deserve to be criticized. And in this case "culture" doesn't just refer to some abstraction, it refers to a group of people making choices - deciding they think it's okay to humiliate and degrade and possibly imprison someone merely for offending them. People like that need to get over themselves - I don't care what country they're from, or how long they've believed the same things.

Fact: cultures evolve. Why? Because people think about their practices. Question them. That's why we don't burn people as witches anymore or kill Apaches. We realized we were wrong. Yes, amazing - we changed our culture after thinking. You know, thinking? Using your brain instead of mindlessly going along with tradition? You've heard of it, right? Try it some time - you might enjoy it.

Update: Yes, all cultures occasionally deserve criticism. Especially when the people of that culture appear to have their heads up their asses. And America is obviously no exception. In fact, there is one respect in which American culture deserves to be harshly criticized - our love of guns. Today at Virginia Tech university, a man with a gun has murdered 22 people and wounded at least 21 others. Why? Who knows. All I'm sure of is this - a man with a knife or a bat does not get to kill 22 people before being subdued. When are the anti-gun-control NRA assholes going to wake up and realize that the fact of holding a gun is what gives these psychos the guts to do what they do in the first place? Rip America a new one over this - we have it coming.

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Richard Gere Goes Harry Connick

Richard Gere hammers out a tune at the Cinema for Peace gala.

"Gerbil in my butt
I've got a gerbil in my butt
If you get stuck in a rut
Just stick a gerbil in your butt

Don't be a sadness victim, shove a mammal in your rectum
Gerbil in my butt..."