Richard Gere Goes Harry Connick

Richard Gere hammers out a tune at the Cinema for Peace gala.

"Gerbil in my butt
I've got a gerbil in my butt
If you get stuck in a rut
Just stick a gerbil in your butt

Don't be a sadness victim, shove a mammal in your rectum
Gerbil in my butt..."

Clive Davis Pre-Grammy Party

Clive Davis's Pre-Grammy party is always a highlight of Grammy weekend. Here we see Clive himself, looking like an old mobster.

One of Clive's main claims-to-fame is that he discovered Whitney Houston. Where did he discover her? Under a ratty blanket crawling with fleas in the corner of an abandoned warehouse? And is it too late for Clive to undiscover her?

Here's Carrie Underwood. I suppose Carrie will win a whole bunch of Grammys tonight and make people resent her even more. One of these days, Faith Hill and Martina McBride are going to kidnap Carrie, and drag her off someplace and beat the hell out of her with bricks stuffed inside socks.

Rocker Slash. Um, would someone inform Slash that it's no longer 1988?

Christina Aguilera performs in a get-up Tina Turner might've worn. Is she giving a Nazi salute? Maybe she wants to be the next Leni Riefenstahl. Is she taking mountain-climbing lessons yet?

Barry Manilow, aka The King Of Lame. I think Barry should give Siegfried Fischbacher a call. Siegfried needs a new partner ever since Roy Horn had his face bitten off, and Barry would be perfect. They could do their little animal-teasing act, then Barry could sing a few tunes. It would be the gayest, most fabulous thing in the history of the world.

Ashlee Simpson, aka The Sane One. All right, it's time for people to stop inviting Ashlee Simpson to things. We have to disabuse this dumb bitch of the notion that she's famous. You know, perform a do-over. "Ashlee, we're sorry, but we made a mistake when we started treating you like a celeb. We thought you were going to be a cute, plucky little punk-rocker, but then you got your nose amputated and, well, you stopped being even remotely interesting. Now you just make us feel sad every time we see you. So, if it's not asking too much, could you please just go away? Maybe move to the desert some place and open up a gas station. Find a nice Navajo guy to marry. Anything. Just...fuck off."

Oh look, it's the new "cleaned-up" Whitney. I don't know about you, but I preferred her as a crackhead. Whitney + Bobby Brown + lots of drugs = entertainment. Whitney - Bobby Brown - drugs = some broad shrieking old Dolly Parton tunes.

Nick Lachey squeezes in between Kat McPhee and Vanessa Minnillo. That high whistling sound you hear is the steam coming out of Jessica Simpson's ears.

(BTW: Nick is too hot for either of those silly tramps, if you ask me.)

Alecia Moore performs. Alecia recently had a memorial to her dead dog tattooed on the inside of her left arm. I love a girl with class, don't you?

Kid Rock and Sharon Osbourne. Is there anything to report here I wonder? Nah, she's way too old for him. However, if you are going to screw around, there's an advantage to doing it with Sharon Osbourne - you don't have to worry about her husband finding out, because he's too bombed out of his mind.

Just don't try picturing Kid Rock and Sharon Osbourne actually having sex. You could drive yourself insane.

Fergie takes the stage. Don't give anyone any ideas there, Fergie. Not that we haven't already had that idea...

Lagerfeld, Still Creepy

Someone made a documentary about Karl Lagerfeld, which is why he's hanging around the Berlin Film Festival aka the "Berlinale." A documentary about Lagerfeld - that must've been interesting to shoot. Hauling all the equipment into the cave. Waiting for night to fall so Lagerfeld would come down from his roost. Baiting him with dead rats. Having paramedics on-hand in case anyone got bitten by him (rabies you know)...

Justin Timberlake Celebrates JT-TV

What the hell is JT-TV? Apparently, it's some kind of TV channel you get through your mobile phone. Verizon is doing it in conjunction with Justin Timberlake. Justin Timberlake TV. Hmm, that should be interesting...if by "interesting" you mean "soul-crushingly boring."

Of course, in typical Hollywood fashion, the launch of JT-TV meant a huge, extravagant party attended by lots of big stars. Like Justin himself, pictured above. What's the matter with your eyes there, Justin? Strain them trying to find your penis again?

Oh, look who showed up - Kevin Federline. So I guess he does still get invited places.

Timberlake and Federline share a very awkward embrace. Man, Justin does not want his picture taken with Federline. He's got that "I'd rather have my penis branded with a hot flaming poker" look in his eyes. I guess he wouldn't be interested in joining some kind of Men Who've Slept With Britney club then. Yeah, I know - big club. Not as big as the Women Who've Slept With Britney Club, however.

Speaking of men who've broken up with famous blonde sluts - hey, it's Kid Rock. Wow, he looks rough. For a second there I thought he was one of those fat old still-barely-living members of Lynyrd Skynyrd. Losing Pamela must've really busted this guy up. Damn you, Borat!

Lindsay Lohan is still in rehab, so I guess we'll just have to settle for Lindsay-lite, aka Michelle Trachtenberg. No, she's not as cute as Lindsay, nor as wild. But she does dress hideously, much like Lindsay. And she's also a completely vapid twit.

Speaking of vapid twits - yup, Paris. Ooh, she's acting really serious here. Cause Paris is a serious actress now, and she wants us all to know it. Come on Paris, do something goofy and dumb. You know you want to. Paris. Parrrisss. Come on Paris. Show us your goods, Paris. Paris...

Naomi Campbell keeps showing up everywhere. I thought she was off taking care of her anger issues. Guess those are cured now. Must be some spell that witch-doctor cast. Strong hoodoo.

A party's just not a party till Tara Reid shows up. And falls down.

The evening's entertainment - a transvestite Jessica Simpson impersonator. No, I'm kidding. It's Fergie. No self-respecting transvestite Jessica Simpson impersonator would be caught dead looking like that.

Rodeo Drive Walk Of Style Awards - What A Skanktacular

The Rodeo Drive Walk-of-Style Awards took place last night in Beverly Hills. Damn, Anna Nicole just died - don't those people have any shame? Oh, I guess they didn't care. All right then...

Paris Hilton - she looks fairly decent here I guess (for a homophobic racist). At least she's color-coordinated. With Paris you never know what you're going to get. She could turn up wearing a Rainbow Brite t-shirt and a pair of zebra-stripe jogging pants. If you're Paris, you should just feel fortunate that your picture isn't all green and night-visiony for once.

Mischa Barton. Well, I have to give Mischa credit - she keeps trying. One of these days she may do something right. But I hope not.

Fat Tyra Banks. All right, she's not fat. She is a whining cry-baby though. "Ooh, they called me fat and I'm not fat. " As someone who's been called fat his whole life: Get over it, fatso.

Naomi Campbell in some kind of Mata Hari get-up, standing alongside...um...what the hell's her name again...oh, it's right on the tip of my tongue...wait...Stephanie Seymour? No. Um...Christy Turlington. No, that's not it. God damn it, I hate it when this happens. Let's see...supermodels who were big in the '80s...hmm...Linda Evangelista? No. Not Elle MacPherson either. It's...oh, I know. Cindy Crawford. Yeah. That's the bitch's name. Damn. She must have grandkids by now.

Speaking of people with grandkids - hey, it's Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. Or as I like to call them, The Hottie and the Nottie. Aw, I kid Demi. She's still fairly attractive. For someone who lived through the Depression.

J-Ho and Mark Anthony. Smile Mark. Oh, that's right - you don't like having your picture taken. In fact, you don't really care much for fame, do you? Sort of odd that you would choose J-Ho to be your woman then. Cause that bitch can't live without the cameras on her. Look at the way she just flirts with it. Ho can't help herself. You, on the other hand, look like you're trying to pass a kidney stone.

And speaking of stones - yup, Sharon Stone. I've used up all my old-jokes for the day, so I guess I'll have to go with how bad Sharon Stone sucks. Hey, did you see she got nominated for a Razzie for Basic Instinct 2? I personally didn't see it. I kind of knew what it was going to be beforehand - one shot of her bush surrounded by two hours of dumb thriller. And, since I already saw her bush in Basic Instinct, and wasn't much impressed, I figured I'd pass. But hey, if it works, it works. And if you're Sharon Stone, what else are you going to do? It's not like you've got any acting talent to call upon.

The SAG Awards - A Celebration Of People No One Gives A Crap About

The SAG Awards were on last night, but I didn't watch them - I was too busy counting my pubic hairs. Anyway, there was the usual red carpet stuff on E!, Seacrest making everyone uncomfortable, and probably Matenopoulos and the rest of it. Then the actual awards, which were on TNT and TBS. What? When did TNT and TBS start showing awards shows? I thought all they had was re-runs of Law & Order? And speaking of Law & Order, here's Mariska Hargitay. Yes, that's the kind of night it was. No Angelina. No Brad. No Justin and Cameron. Mariska Hargitay.

Anne Hathaway. Whenever I see her, all I can think about is the scene in Brokeback with her and Jake in the truck. That was some acting by Jake, pretending to want to have sex with a woman.

Meadow Soprano gives a wave. Insert lame joke about someone getting whacked. Move on with life.

Where's a sniper when you need one?

Debi Mazar. Now that's when you know your awards show is pretty lame. But it's not really, really lame until either Kathy Griffin or Andy Dick show up. And if both of them show up, then you might just as well clear out the whole place. And don't forget to disinfect.

I can't remember why I used to not like Eva Longoria. Now I think she's kind of cool, in a lucky-not-to-be-a-Tijuana-hooker way.

Cate Blanchett and her long neck. Must be such a chore being Cate this time of year, always nominated for a gazillion awards. Why don't you try sucking for awhile, Cate, then you won't have to spend three months shuttling from one stupid red carpet to the next? It's not easy learning how not to act though. Unless you call up Madonna and get some lessons.

(BTW, Cate has really beautiful eyes, doesn't she?)

Hey look, it's Camilla Parker-Bowles. Oh no, wait. It's Helen Hunt. Damn.

Teri Hatcher. Please tell me it's the camera angle. Oh boy.

Katherine Heigl, radiant as always. And still probably really pissed at Isaiah Washington.

The diminutive Reese Witherspoon. Has Reese settled on a man yet since chucking Ryan? She was messing around with Jakey-poo there for awhile, but I haven't heard anything lately. Maybe she's gone over to the other side. I think she'd make a great angry lesbian, don't you? She just needs to get a buzz-cut and work out a little. Stop dressing so girlie. Maybe get a lipring.

Fun Fearless Male Award

Carmen Electra puts in an appearance at Cosmo's Fun Fearless Male Award. And how exactly does one win a Cosmo Fun Fearless Male Award? One way of determining a male's fearlessness might be to offer them a chance to sleep with Carmen Electra. If they're a germophobe, I guarantee you they will immediately run away in terror. By the way, the winner of the award was none other than Nick Lachey...

Yes, Nick Lachey is your Cosmo Fun Fearless Male Award winner. Lachey had to beat out some pretty stiff competition to nab this honor. Brad Pitt, for instance, was highly touted, but though he easily qualified in the Fearless department (for living with Angelina Jolie), he came up way short in the Fun segment of the judging (for living with Angelina Jolie). Kevin Federline was also considered for this award, then the judges realized that if they gave it to him he might actually show up, which was a risk they weren't willing to take. All-in-all, Lachey would seem a boring, safe choice as Fun Fearless Male.

(And doesn't Nicky look happy to win the award. Almost as happy as he was the first time he rolled over in bed and someone other than Jessica was there.)

Emmy Rossum's New Look

Cute little Emmy Rossum attends the Maria Callas Collection Preview (whatever the hell that is) in New York. Interesting look Emmy's sporting there. Sort of reminds Crabbie of something...

Oh yeah. This bit Crabbie did a couple months back. I took a picture of Emmy and photoshopped some garish make-up onto it:

And, of course, I got trashed for it by some little commenter:

Whatever! That is so Photoshopped! She has way more class than that you boob.

Oh, so I'm a boob, am I? So Emmy Rossum would never paint herself up like a circus clown, would she? She's got way more class than that, does she? Well who's the boob now, boob?

The Critics' Choice Awards Bring Out The She-Males And Boring People

The Critics' Choice Awards happened last night. A bunch of boring shit like Little Miss Sunshine and Dreamgirls won some statues. But that's not what we care about, is it? No. We want to see what people were wearing and what their hair looked like. Miss Penelope Cruz, for example. Now there's a beauty. And she didn't even go too heavy on the raccoon-look last night. She was more of a ferret or perhaps a prairie dog.

It's Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling. Are they married yet or still engaged or thinking about getting engaged or just living in sin? I don't know. And I don't really care. I find both of them tedious. Rachel with her stupid pink hair, trying desperately to not seem like the most boring chick on the face of the earth. And Gosling with his serious-actor affectations and his Gordon Gekko slick-back. To borrow a phrase befitting Rachel's hair: Gag me with a spoon (like fersure).

Okay, Jennifer - we all know you're a goofball. We've seen it, and we sort of like it. So why, whenever you appear at these awards shows and things, do you feel it necessary to adopt that dopey, hard-core Alias thing? I mean honestly. Look at your face Jennifer. You don't seem bad-ass. You look like you tasted something funny and now you're trying to hold down your puke until you can run to the bathroom. Stop it. I'm serious.

I don't know what to make of Jessica Biel. Certain parts of her body appear quite feminine, while others would seem more at-home on someone who played defensive end for some hideous NFL team. It's strange to me that a girl as pretty as Jessica would aspire to have the upper-arms of Lou Ferrigno. And as for that ass. I'm sorry, but that ass is fake. That is an implant situation. This bitch has more space-age polymers in her body than a whole roomful of strippers.

Boring Chicks Abound At The People's Choice Awards

Heroes starlet Hayden Panettiere looks very cheerful. At least Tommy Lee isn't hanging off her like a drunk off a lightpost for once.

Grey's Anatomy's Katherine Heigl tones down the boobage for the night. Very classy. Yawn.

Another Grey's Anatomy star, Ellen Pompeo. Come on Ellen. Black? I mean, black is just so...black...

Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria flashes a somewhat maniacal-looking smile. Well, at least she got rid of that atrocious Posh-bob.

I guess we can shelve those rumors about Halle Berry being pregnant. This picture is almost enough to make Crabbie turn straight (she looks like a piece of delicious chocolate all wrapped up in gold foil; I don't know whether to feel turned on or hungry).

What the fuck? Cameron Diaz won a People's Choice Award? For what? Most fugitatious acne-ridden train-wreck? And what's with the arm, Diaz? Are you going Jessica Biel on us?

Yup, Aniston won one too. And look, she's making a funny face with it. That's the comic talent that made us love her in the first place. Seriously, this bitch is the Lucille Ball of her generation. Too bad her Desi Arnaz dumped her for Angelina Jolie (ha ha haaaa!).