Rihanna Is Wearing My Windshield

That dress was black when Rihanna started her day. She hit the wipers but it just smeared the shit around more. She had to stop at a gas station and clean it all off, and pick up a liter bottle of Sierra Mist.

Fame-Hater

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Susan Boyle hates fame so much, she has decided to do a "glamorous" photo shoot for Harper's Bazaar. This old warbling hag is the new Keira Knightley. Except she's even more annoying because at least Keira sometimes accidentally says something funny. Boyle is just tedious and I bet she smells like a rummage sale.

How Bad Could It Have Been?

Ling and Lee are back in the USA after being sprung from Kim Jong Il's evil clutches by the master babe-rescuer Bill Clinton. Funny, but I expected them to be all emaciated and bruised and fucked-up, like they'd been in a death-camp. Instead they appear to have possibly been stranded in Kansas City for a couple of days, with a change of clothes and plenty of shampoo.

Yes, I know, they scrubbed down on the plane. They probably suffered all sorts of tortures over there. No hand lotion and only two kinds of salad dressing to choose from. Those inhuman North Korean savages!

(Editor's Note: Am I the only one who reads "Ling and Lee" and thinks "new pandas at the San Diego Zoo?")

$20 Million? Bitch Really IS Crazy.

Paula Abdul is not coming back to American Idol, and now we know why: the show's producers were offering her a multi-year package worth $10 million, but that was only half what the addled Paula was demanding.

Yes, Paula Abdul wanted $20 million to stay on American Idol. And for some reason the FOX people wouldn't go for it.

Actually, maybe Paula has a gripe. According to the New York Times, Ryan Seacrest recently re-upped to the tune of $45 million over three years.

How in the fuck is Ryan Seacrest's contribution to that show worth $45 million? He doesn't fucking do anything! At least Paula brings that weird sexual tension with Simon Cowell, and the ever-present possibility of an on-camera meltdown.

Then again, look at it from FOX's perspective. You really gonna invest $20 million in a woman who's capable of downing a shitload of pills and driving herself off a cliff at any moment? You'd be better off hiring Britney Spears. At least she can be controlled, with shiny objects and the occasional smack to the back of the head.

Oddly enough, $20 million is also the exact amount you would have to pay me to sit through an entire episode of American Idol.

Stop Giving Her Movie Parts

Sienna Miller is out promoting that horrible looking G.I. Joe movie she's in. So you know what that means. Sienna talking about her sex-life!

"I'm supposed to be this complete slapper, that's my reputation," Sienna said. "I think if you put a camera in anyone's life and document it daily for six years, from the age of 21 to 27, there are going to be things that aren't always pretty. Those are the rebellious years, the years of self discovery. I've never been someone who has conformed, and I think my response to that level of attention was to pretend it didn't exist."

I'm sorry Sienna, what was that again? I was busy sorting my toenail clippings. I promise I'll listen this time.

He Still Gots It

Bill Clinton flew over to North Korea and negotiated a pardon for those two meddling journalist chicks who got themselves arrested, and were facing years of hard labor. Wonder what Bill said to those little midget nutbags? "You guys like fat Jewish girls who don't mind being used like dishrags? Cause I know a whole bunch of them. And cigars. You like cigars?"

Once a Slick Willie, always a Slick Willie.

Work It Jonny

Bald. Fat. About to be divorced. If it weren't for the pot stash, what would he have?